Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Hippie School Emails

Recently I met someone who works at something called a "Montessori" school. He gave me a very long explanation for what this is but basically it's just a place for rich hippies to send their children. So naturally the Snapples had to start emailing a bunch of these schools about the education of their child.

Our victim here sent an email to the Stranger account after the end of this explaining that as the emails became more ridiculous, she googled "June Snapple" and found Stranger. I may have to start a new cover.


From: June Snapple
To: Private School
Subject: Connections

To whom it may concern,

I have recently moved into the area and my gifted child and I are exploring education options. My gifted child has very specific needs and demands the highest caliber of education. Your institution boasts of out-of-the-box new-age progressive approaches. I may be interested in encouraging my gifted child to choose your institution as well as making sizable donations. Can you please help me understand your institution's views on free love?

June Snapple



From: Private School
To: June Snapple
Subject: Connections

Ms. Snapple,

I would be happy to discuss specifics of what our school offers. We are a Montessori institution wherein we believe in allowing the children to teach themselves within certain limits. Our supervisors then help create the environment for this to take place. Can you tell me about your child? What is his/her name and age? What kinds of needs does he/she have?

Margaret


From: June Snapple
To: Private School
Subject: Connections

Margaret,

I don't like to impose gender labels on my gifted child. It is up to my gifted child to choose a gender one day, if that's what my gifted child desires. Additionally, my gifted child has not yet chosen a name for itself. For a period it temporarily asked be known as Flitterglow, but since has unassumed that title.

My gifted child has a very strict vegan, gluten free, paleo, seedless, organic, locally grown only, sugar free, non-frozen, raw only diet. It is important also that my gifted child not associate closely with any other children who eat meat or animal-derived products or any children who enslave animals as pets. My gifted child has very strong moral objections and environmental concerns.

My gifted child's body is five years old.

June Snapple


From: Private School
To: June Snapple
Subject: Connections

June,

We try our best to accommodate dietary and other restrictions. We ask that parents help us understand how we can best help meet the needs of the children. I'm sure you have a very gifted child.

Margaret


From: Paul Snapple
To: Private School
Subject: My Crazy Ex

Dear Margaret,

I understand that my ex-wife, June, has been communicating with you regarding the possibility of enrolling our son Matthew Snapple, who is exceptionally gifted, in your school. I am certain that June has been driving you crazy, giving you an earful about all of Matthew's "unique needs." Please be aware that June and I share custody of Matthew and largely disagree on child-rearing practices. Matthew does have unique needs, but they do not involve moral veganism (WTF?) or any other hippie crap June has decided to enforce upon him this week.

Matthew is a very gifted hunter. Last year alone he and I shot down 15 animals in our community. It ended up being a bit of a mistake because, as it turns out, horse meat is not that good and kind of hard to sell. But Matthew is enthusiastic about killing animals and that's the point I wanted to make.

If Matthew attends your school, I will insist that you provide him time to explore his natural hunting desires. He is very gifted.

Paul Snapple


From: Private School
To: Paul Snapple
Subject: My Crazy Ex

Paul,

We have been contacted by June and have exchanged some information concerning what our school offers. We are happy to provide you whatever information you are looking for.

Margaret


From: June Snapple
To: Private School, Paul Snapple
Subject: Homewrecker

Dear Margaret,

I understand you have begun corresponding with my husband, whom I have cc'd on this email. You are aware that this is a married man, I'm sure. I would like to politely ask that you cease your communication with him before you cause further problems in our already-struggling marriage.

June SNAPPLE


From: Private School
To: June Snapple, Paul Snapple
Subject: Homewrecker

June

Paul emailed me asking for information about our school. That was the extent of our communication. Again if either of you are interested in what our school offers I will be happy to direct you to that information.

Margaret


From: June Snapple
To: Private School, Paul Snapple
Subject: Homewrecker

A little TOO happy if you ask me!


From: Paul Snapple
To: Private School
Subject: My Crazy Ex

Margaret,

Thank you SO SO SO much for covering. I have no idea how June found out that we started carrying on. I should have been more clear upfront that June and I are still technically married and living together and seeing a couples counselor. If Matthew attends your school, our involvement together is going to have to be kept a secret. Please try to understand.

Paul


From: Private School
To: Paul Snapple
Subject: My Crazy Ex

I wasn't covering anything. I did nothing to give you the impression that anything was going on here apart from exchanging information about the school.


From: Paul Snapple
To: Private School, June Snapple
Subject: Homewrecker

Margaret and June,

I think the three of us ought to sit down to a nice lunch together and try to work out our issues. There is no reason that we can't work together to provide Matthew the best resources possible. Which he deserves, considering how gifted he is. What say ye?

Paul


From: June Snapple
To: Private School, Paul Snapple
Subject: Homewrecker

Only if it's vegan.


From: Private School
To: June Snapple, Paul Snapple
Subject: Homewrecker

Actually I know where we can get some gifted horse meat.


~It Just Gets Stranger

22 comments:

  1. I want to be June when I grow up

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  2. I was going to say I wanted to be Margaret when I grow up, but now that doesn't seem so original

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    Replies
    1. Well you could develop multiple personalities and be both June & Margaret when you grow up, that would be original.

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  3. I think it's amazing that your correspondent googled "June Snapple" and found you. That's just HI-larious!

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  4. Margaret, if you are reading this, you are quite a trooper and have more patience then most of us. Kudos to you.

    Probably my favorite line "My gifted child has a very strict vegan, gluten free, paleo, seedless, organic, locally grown only, sugar free, non-frozen, raw only diet." and second was "But Matthew is enthusiastic about killing animals and that's the point I wanted to make." LOL'd at that and the horse meat. Too funny.

    Brianne and I are still BFF's though. Your humorous blog post will not scratch her from being my #1 BFF in my ranking system.

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    Replies
    1. Oh Lee! You sure know how to make my day! I wonder how Eli has time to do all this correspondence when I am busy working?

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    2. I laughed so hard at the dietary restriction line. I used to work for a school like this and June Snapple is actually not really an exaggeration of a lot of the parents those schools deal with. One time we had a parent demand to be able to come to the school every day and work alongside the kitchen staff to prepare the part of the meal that would be given to her son.

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    3. YES! That lady is awesome! I love people like that!

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    4. Anon...my heart goes out to you for having to deal with people like that. Too many people in this world need a good whack upside the head or some smelling salts or something.

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  5. Margaret is a consummate professional, I tip my hat to you lady! Come to think of it, June Snapple could be a very valuable tool for assessing the level of professionalism a potential job candidate exhibits under stressful situations. Sometimes you just can't tell from the interview.

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    Replies
    1. Oh Suzzzz! Such an incredibly wonderful idea!!!!

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  6. Messing With People never gets old!
    If you're looking for someone new to mess with, I'd like to suggest the Portland Cuddler, http://cuddleuptome.com/retail/

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  7. I would really like the back story on how June and Paul Snapple got together in the first place.

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  8. Oh, so you're one of THOSE parents ... I had to laugh at all the "gifted" mentions. I literally had a parent last week come to my office looking for another teacher and when I offered to help her, she went on and on and on and on about her gifted son. "He's so gifted! I was gifted too! We had gifted testing done when he was little and then it's like ... what do we do with a kid who is so gifted? So we decided to homeschool him because he's so gifted. He's in 3rd grade and doing gifted Algebra, and he'd be bored out of his mind in a classroom because #gifted."

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    Replies
    1. Natalie, as I said to Anon above, my heart goes out to great people like you who teach our youth yet have to deal with the imbeciles that are their parents.

      I mean, I'm gifted and I don't go around bragging about how gifted I am and how I scored in the 99th percentile for spatial reasoning and how gifted I am in that category. I'm very humble about my amazingly gifted mind.

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  9. What an incredible fabrication. Thanks for sharing- very funny.

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  10. Alanna - you've been knocked off the throne . . . . .All Hail Margaret!

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