Sunday, December 27, 2015

People of the Gym

We all fall within one of these designations. ALL OF US.

January Man/Woman:

This is someone who comes to the gym in January only. This person can be seen wandering the floor, politely using half a dozen machines incorrectly and dangerously. He/she shows up the first Monday after New Year's Day and comes very consistently for that whole week. He/she shows up once or twice after that in January, and then usually never again for the remainder of the year, although there is sometimes a cameo sometime around the beginning of the summer.


King Kong:

This is a very large round man with enough testosterone to power a small city. He is usually heard before seen. He lifts extremely heavy weights off of the ground and then drops them onto the floor. Repeatedly. He also often screams when he does this. Between each action, he walks in a small circle, arms out on each side, looking menacing. It isn't clear what King Kong's goal is, but it's usually best to just stay out of his way.



Social Hour Guy:

Social Hour Guy knows everyone in the gym and he will make you feel like you are best friends. He is rarely ever seen actually working out, but he is extremely encouraging to everyone else. Social Hour Guy is basically like a little league coach who isn't getting paid.


Locker Room Man:

Locker Room Man is most certainly on the sex offender registry. He is never seen outside of the locker room. He wanders it, day and night, lurking, but never talking to anyone.


Fashion Show Woman:

Fashion Show Woman spends the majority of her time fixing her hair in front of the mirror. She works out about as much as Social Hour Guy. She will never be caught dead sweating. She inexplicably appears to be in good shape, leaving one to wonder if she does all of her working out somewhere else.


Gym Stretcher:

The Gym Stretcher walks into the gym, finds a mat, and then spends one hour stretching. The Gym Stretcher never does anything else. The Gym Stretcher pays a monthly fee to do this.


Angry Man/Woman:

Angry Man/Woman is mad all the time. They will never interact with anyone or smile. This is probably because they hate exercising. LIKE EVERY GOOD RED BLOODED AMERICAN SHOULD.


Resident:

The resident seems to live at the gym because no matter what time you go, they are there. Their lives are confusing.


The Hoarder:

The Hoarder gathers as many weights as there are weights. If you try to take any of these weights, The Hoarder will say some variation of "excuse me, I'm using that." This lasts for one to two hours.


The Intervenor:

The Intervenor will attempt to interject himself into your workout in any way possible. This usually means giving an exceptional amount of unsolicited advice or insisting on spotting you, even after you protest.


Cologne Man:

You can smell him from anywhere in the gym. Sometimes he goes into the locker room mid-workout to spray more cologne onto his body. This man does not want anyone to think he ever smells like anything other than a 13-year-old boy who just received his first bottle.

~It Just Gets Stranger

53 comments:

  1. "Cologne Man" made me laugh out loud. I LOVE these descriptions.

    You should add something about moms who join for the free babysitting and to ensure that they get to actually shower during the week. (It is surprisingly difficult to find time to shower when you're a mom with young kids.)

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    1. I could be Social Hour Gal, but if Cologne Man is anywhere near me, I will become Angry Woman. Don't even get me started on the fact that of us are "scent"-sitive.

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  2. Nailed it. The angry person is so real. There's a girl at my gym my husband and I have dubbed "Mean Gym Girl" (creative, I know). She scowls nonstop, won't return a smile or greeting, and the only time I've heard her speak is when she walked in, saw me using her favorite elliptical, and screamed at me that she wanted it and should be able to use it. She also doubles as The Resident as she seems to be there 24/7, which is most likely why she hates her life. In other news, I haven't been to that gym in over a year.

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  3. This, this right here is why I don't go to the gym any more, well that and the fact that I hate working out like every red blooded American.

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  4. My gym is two stories with the pools, courts and free weights on the first floor, treadmills, ellipticals, weight machines, etc. on the second. I came in one day to hear a woman SCREAMING at the front desk about the elevator being out and now she would have to use the STAIRS to get to the 2nd floor. When I saw her working out later, she was using the stair-stepper machines.

    I'm a January/March/May/July kind of user. I go for about a week with the best of intentions and then slack off and stop going all together. Then eventually I feel guilty about the money I'm wasting by not going and start going again and then slack off, then feel guilty, etc. It's a vicious cycle.

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    1. I'm a January person too but mostly because it's way too cold to exercise outside in the winter here unless you are skiing or snowshoeing, then when it warms up I move back outside to exercise.

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    2. Me too. Although a part of me avoids the gym because I don't want to be one of THOSE people, even though I totally am one.

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  5. Stereotypes are really hurtful. I wonder if I ever met Eli how he would mock me? Not cool.

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    1. We don't have to meet you to mock you after that comment. It's funny. Laugh.

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    2. Seriously, someone needs to lighten up.

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    3. He did say EVERYONE falls into at least one of these, I know I fall into multiple categories. Learn to laugh at yourself or life is going to always be an uphill battle. So Eli, spill it, which category(ies) do you fall into?

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    4. Well, the Suzzzzzzzzzzz, since you asked: I am commonly Social Hour Guy, Angry Man, occasionally the Gym Stretcher, and during Ironman training, I was very unfortunately a resident. Which earned me an Academy award for my role as Angry Man.

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    5. So you were the Social Angry Stretching Resident...SASR for short. Yep, I can picture it now.

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  6. As I read through this I couldn't help but think that I toggle between about six of these. But I think I'm mostly Social Hour Guy. But without friends. And without talking to people. I'm just Hour Guy.

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  7. King Kong is my favorite. Every time they drop the weights I think there's an earthquake. I never get used to this. It's probably my PTSD from living in SF for so long.

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  8. I haven't been to the gym in almost 10 years, but I guess I'd be the "angry" one. And not even necessarily because I'm mad (although I am because exercise is clearly punishment for the sins of man) but more because I get all focused and extreeeemeely red. Red to the point where people get concerned if I break a sweat and think I'm dying, so I look like I'm ready to kill someone even though I'm just trying to workout like a normal human (an impossibility, of course).

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  9. Here's a video for some more gym stereotype laughs:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nU4EJfX2aXE

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  10. I am totally the gym stretcher. I used to do that all the time in college. 10 minutes on the elliptical, and then followed by an hour of stretching. The same thing happens now at my apartment building gym haha. Eli nailed it. Although there always seems to be one more type, "the reader". This person is usually past 50's and only goes to the bicycle to read a book. After an hour, they get up and go home. They never do anything else. I always see them there!

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  11. A couple of years ago I was a very freqent user of the gym. I don't know precisely which categori I fit into. Probably the angry woman - but not angry. I would hear my music, favorits chosen for my work out, and which I loved. I would then push myself intensely for as long as possible on the eliptical. I would sweat so much that the floor around the machine would be all wet and I would be almost blue in the face. After the cardio I would try to slide around unnoticed whilst wiping the floor trying to catch my breath. After that I would strech.
    I didn't really talk to anyone unless spoken to because I was in my own world all the time.
    It turns out I wasn't as invisible as I thought. At one time I went to a club with some friends and a young man approaced me. I was kind of flattered until he asked me - his face flushed with enthusiasm - "Isn't you the one who use the eliptical for ever??" I guess he would be the social hour guy.
    I know all the types in the article and also the ones mentioned in the comments.
    I actually think I'm going to start joining the gym again :)

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    1. You sound like me, except on the aerobic machines rather then the weights. Quiet, focused types (obviously the totally awesome category Eli missed). We go in, we do what we need to do and we leave. Talking is very minimum.

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    2. That's me, but mostly because talking is difficult when you can barely breathe. Stupid asthma. Also I know the second I strike up a conversation with someone at the gym I'm then going to embarrass myself by falling off the treadmill or tripping over my own feet.

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  12. I love working out. But then, I'm Canadian. Unfortunately, due to certain issues I have, I can no longer workout with anything heavier then light weights. Which makes me sad, but at least I can workout.

    I know all those guys. I always hated the Intervenor. Always telling me how I should do things, then proceeded to watch him do the move improperly and role my eyes at him. Or wanting to spot me. I'm a skinny guy, but I use to be very strong. And these guys would come up to me and think I needed a spot. DON'T TOUCH MY WEIGHTS! In any case, I now have a nice gym in my basement away from all the riff raff.

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    1. Omigosh Lee, I don't know why, but I always pictured you as slightly beefy and maybe growing just a little ponch from getting older and eating your kids Halloween candy. More like my dad 20 years ago, I guess. I mean I KNOW you have a little blog-profile picture and every but I never looked til now. (Cute kids btw!)

      Anyway, sorry for the creepyness factor, but you just blew my mind.

      This is like when your favorite book is turned into a movie and you are super shocked that they chose "so and so" to play your favorite character...

      -Mag

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    2. SINCE WHEN DID LEE LOOK LIKE THAT. I strongly encourage all strangers to take a look at who he really is.

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    3. This is truly very upsetting. It reminds me of the time I finally looked up a picture of Ira Glass.

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    4. Hundreds of people around the world just looked at your profile, Lee.

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    5. But that's not what Lee looks like. That's not what he looks like at all!

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    6. Relax people. Lee is Eli. That's a stock photo.

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    7. LOL bunch of weirdo's. I'm surprised no ones checked out my pic before. I always check out people's profile if they have them. Helps me associate who I'm talking to. Plus if they have a blog it gives me something to read. But yeah I'm the skinny guy. Sorry to blow the magic. :)

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    8. Today the part of Lee will be played by his understudy: Leotrix.

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  13. Trying to decide who I would be... I guess fashion show woman hits me closest, except I sweat more than anyone there, and am hardly fashionable. But I do spend a ridiculous amount of time fixing my ponytail at the gym. Other than that I need a new category... The Unfashionable who Sweats Too much Since All she does is Yoga. Or something.

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    1. I would like to join your Unfashionable Who Sweats Too Much group. I have cute workout capri pants because I had to buy new ones, but I wear holey, stained up t-shirts. And I have to wear sweatbands on my head to catch the sweat.

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  14. Once I was walking on a treadmill while reading a book, dropped the book, and decided to try picking it up without turning the treadmill off. MUCH to my surprise, this wasn't a good idea, and I fell off the treadmill. Gracefully, of course. At the rock climbing gym, I was told that my falls off of the bouldering wall were spectacular. I believe this calls for another designation. What should we call it?

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    1. The extremely uncoordinated. I am that one as well. I have performed the running treadmill pick up trick as well with similar results. Also I've knocked over an entire bottle of water that people had to help me mop up, dropped weights on my feet while loading the squat bar, and toppled off my aerobic ball during a group class. Just to name a few.

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    2. Yay, I'm not alone! Extremely uncoordinated people of the world unite!... while standing very still in one spot and trying not to trip on anything. :)

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    3. Yay, I'm not alone! Extremely uncoordinated people of the world unite!... while standing very still in one spot and trying not to trip over anything. :)

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  15. I fit in none of these.
    I. Do. Not. Work. Out.

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    1. I don't work out either. I just walk around my neighborhood. This is good for spying on the neighbors without looking like you are spying. Sometimes I count the neighbor's cats for variety. "working out" at a gym would be so boring. They don't normally let people take their cats to the gym.

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    2. I'm an extrovert, so I guess that makes me Chelsea/Social Hour (Gal). I don't believe in exercise for the sake of exercise, so if I'm at a gym, there had better be a pool and/or ballroom dancing. I'll walk or swim because FUN (and/or Social), and I'll dance because FUN (and Social). What are weights? What's an elliptical? Huh?

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  16. These are amazing.

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  17. I am most of these.

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  18. Another reason to hate Glee:
    http://www.cnn.com/2015/12/29/entertainment/mark-salling-glee-arrested-feat/

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  19. I'm basically January Woman, except I tend to do that during the summer when it's not as crowded.

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  20. I work and train in an aerial arts studio, so I don't often go to a typical gym. However I did go with my father one morning over Christmas break and was basically the gym stretcher. Aerial arts require flexibility so it was a good opportunity to spend more time stretching than I can when leading warm ups for my classes. Though I did work on my pull ups and took a short turn on a treadmill.

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  21. Um. Sorry. Your post is missing "training for something man/woman"...like the peeps that show up consistently year round, seem to know a select group of people they wave to, mostly work out, dressed for function, and leave quickly. It leaves me to conclude you are January Man, in the gym, with the messed up weights...right? I always did like CLUE.

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  22. What is this "gym" of whence you speak? It's a euphemism, isn't it? It is, right?

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