Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Time to Update my Resume

Are you guys sitting down? I need you to be sitting down for this. I have a really serious and shocking thing to say at you. I'm very worried Awesomesauciness is going to have a heart attack when she hears this news because she always says she's super old and apart from being incredibly sassy, that's all I really know about her. Maybe everyone can go and sit with her while you read this just to make sure she's ok.

I'll wait.

Ok. Now is everyone sitting down in Awesomesauciness's house? Is she as funny in person as she is here? Does she have cats? Did she ask about me OMG YOU HAVE TO TELL ME EVERYTHING SHE SAID LEAVENOTHINGOUT!

My big news is that I, Eli Whittleblister McCann, performed manual labor.

You guys. This is not a drill. I did actual physical work this weekend. BY MYSELF. WITH NO HELP FROM ANYONE. I actually, legitimately, hashtag did it myself. I didn't hashtag do it someone else's self.

I HASHTAG DID IT MYSELF.


Let me explain.

So my house sits up on top of this hill, which gives me a pretty awesome view of the west side of the valley from the front porch, but it also makes me feel like a target for terrorists. When I moved into the place, there was really no landscaping in the front yard. It was just one grass-covered hill down to the street. And this has always felt kind of odd to me.

Last year I planted a few trees in the front yard just to have something between me and the criminals. But there has still been something missing.

So you know what I did this weekend? I said to myself I said "Eli. You are an absolutely beautiful man and you are going to plant a hedge today." And then I got super embarrassed and I was like, "stop it! You're beautiful." Because I can't take a compliment. But then I realized that since this was a conversation with myself, deflecting the comment back onto the complimentor was just another way of getting a compliment. It all got very confusing for a while but the point is that two different speakers have now called me beautiful.

I wholly underestimated how much work it would be to plant a hedge. It never occurred to me that digging out the grass all around the perimeter of my front yard, moving that grass to a dirt plot in the backyard, and then planting 20-something bushes is actually not super easy.

And it's a good thing I didn't know that when I got started because I probably wouldn't have gotten this accomplished after 9 hours on Saturday:




You guys. Nobody has ever been as proud of anything as I was after finishing this.

Even The Perfects couldn't deny that I had done a good job. Mr. Perfect yelled out to me that he was impressed. I have already added his statement to my resume. That part looks like this:

Quotes from my References

"The day Eli was born was the bloodiest day of my life." Cathie McCann

"If anyone is going to slap my child in the grocery store, I hope it would be Eli." The Non-angry moms on the Internet

"Eli . . . ha[s] been pre-approved for a credit card!" American Express

"Wow, Eli! I'm impressed [with everything about you and you are the best neighbor we've ever had and we like seeing you naked through the window every day]!" Mr. Perfect

So, yeah. I don't want to lose my job. But let's just say that I'm preeeeeeeetty confident I wouldn't stay unemployed for long.

~It Just Gets Stranger

54 comments:

  1. What type of bushes are they? They look like boxwoods! I will warn you though, if they are boxwoods, you'll be waiting a long time for them to actually look like a hedge. My parents planted boxwoods 16 years ago, and while they have gotten bigger, they're still not touching each other...

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    1. I agree with this entire statement (without actually knowing Stephanie or her parents). My first husband and I tried to MOVE some boxwoods from one part of our (brand new) yard to another, and in the ten years we lived there together, I can't remember ever having a "hedge".

      But Eli's manual labor is definitely a good start at landscaping.

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    2. If they are fed regularly and get enough water boxwoods should fill out within the first 6 years or so. Twice yearly iron injections help a lot. But, yeah, they are slower than other shrubs that do well in the Mountain West area.

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    3. and sometimes they don't like Utah winters... but at least you didn't plant pyracantha monsters with thorns from hell.

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  2. I'm guessing the Perfects live to the right of you? Well, my right, as I am looking at the picture anyway. I guess that would be to your left then, right? Oh, heck. Nevermind.

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    1. So, weird interjection here, but I have always pictured his conversations with them being directed the other way, as though, facing Eli's house, they were the neighbors to the left. I have very clear pictures/videos in my head of his conversations like this.

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    2. In my mind, they were always the neighbors to the right. So I'm not feeling any dissonance with these pictures.

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    3. I also see them to the right, so it works for me.

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    4. I'm with Chava - I've always visualized them on the left when facing the houses.

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    5. Ok. This is clearly important to everyone, so let me clear it up: The Perfects are on the right when facing my house. The house on the other side belongs to a newscaster guy that I grew up seeing on TV and now every time I run into him I feel like I live next to Oprah.

      So The Perfects are on the right (of course they are). But in a way, aren't The Perfects everywhere?

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    6. Listen sonny, I say they're on the left - due to the weird driveway (prominent in your Perfect stories) you Yankees seem to favor - so don't confuse me with facts, mister, my mind is made up!

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    7. But there's a driveway on the other side too! MY driveway!

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    8. THAT driveway lacks the inherent weirdness necessary for a Perfect sighting, Eli.

      Trust me on this. You really have no idea where they come from, do you? Hmmmmm?

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    9. Okay - just to clarify - your driveway is the to right of your house? Because that is where I always pictured it. And when I saw the picture I thought for a moment I was wrong and then thought it would be weird for you to plant a hedge on the side of your driveway between the driveway and the house . . . .

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    10. Wait, what?! Your driveway is between your house and the Perfects, Eli? You must be mistaken, your driveway has to be over by the newscaster guy. I just can't wrap my head around it the other way.

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    11. Okay, that's it! Eli, this weekend you must move your driveway to the left (correct) side of the house. Shouldn't take more than 10 hours or so, and it'll look fabulous on your resume.

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    12. Who is the famous not-Oprah newscaster who lives next to you?

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  3. Eli, you gotta cover that dirt in 3" of bark mulch, elsewise, the weeds will be shooting up momentarily. It's pretty easy to spread mulch (much easier than digging), and if you get a solid 3", you won't have to put ground cloth underneath. Good luck!

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    1. Yep! Black weed barrier tarp, then a couple inches of wood mulch. Helps keep down weeds and helps retain water, especially during the hot summer months. Putting down a granular pre-emergent like Dimension, 2-3 times a year, will also help prevent weeds from creeping in.

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    2. Although after looking at the photos again, the soil looks dang near close to the level of the concrete retaining wall...so if you put weed barrier and bark on I'm afraid the bark would be blown off and out into the street in the first storm.

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    3. You could skip the weed tarp, mulch, and granular pre-em and just use a liquid pre-em like Evade on the bare ground, or spot treat any weeds that pop up with a small, direct shot of roundup, if you want to avoid weeding.

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  4. I'm impressed that only took 9 hours! Well done.

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  5. I'm super impressed!!! *clapping clapping excessive clapping*

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  6. Not to rain on your accomplishment, but you do realize that you've just set yourself up for years of trimming hedges?

    Pull those babies out right now! Grass is so much easier!

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  7. Definitely mulch. Weed pulling is evil and time consuming and the perfect punishment for two "almost done growing children" when they irritate me.

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  8. Reads Eli's post, and the world begins to fade...

    *fans self* Woooh!! Did I just....wait, who are you people?

    *grabs cane and starts shaking it at hordes of young hooligans in the house*

    Okay, did Eli Whittlebottom McCann tell you kids to come over, stomp on my lawn, and put your feet up on my coffee table?

    ELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Anyone want some cookies and lemonade?

    p.s. sweet jeebus, you will now have elebenty-hunnert hours of yard work to do every week...my boxwoods are sentient, and I swear they growl when we get out the hedge trimmers...it's frightening. They're currently 943 ft. tall, because we've been too afraid to cut them back since the unfortunate "cat" incident of 1957.

    p.p.s. seeing the comments on the Perfects' house, it's apparent they're on your left (facing Eli's house), because the dreaded 90 degree driveway is the only barrier between you and the Evil Perfect's. Sleep with the light on. Hell, sleep with ALL the lights on, Eli.

    p.p.p.s. I am as funny in person, but that's because OLD and I don't shiv-a-git what others think anymore. It's very freeing, like going braless. Also, I have a cat....had 42, but something about "hoarding" and "laws"...psssh...whatever.

    p.p.p.p.s. your hair looks fabulous, btw

    p.p.p.p.p.s. is there a limit to PSess?

    p.p.p.p.p.p.s. y'all wanna hear me bitch? obviously, I'm captivating because you've gotten this far, so go read my blog (click on my name)...and if you comment I promise to approve you.

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    1. I don't think I understood a word of this comment and yet it's still awesome in a way only awesomesauciness can be.

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    2. "I don't shiv-a-git" is officially my new favorite phrase.

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    3. I love you.
      That is all.
      PS- thanks for the cookies and lemonade.

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    4. Awesomesauciness wins the interwebs forever. OBVI.

      And if you don't believe me, then believe HER. Her blog is amazeballs.

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  9. Nice job, Eli!! The shrubs look perfectly placed.

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  10. I'm waiting for him to decide to turn the backyard into a vegetable garden and then start begging people to come take summer squash and zucchini off his hands starting in July.

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    1. When Eli starts gardening, put him in charge of the veggie tray at the reunions so Lee can come back and make desserts for us again. ***hmmm cheesecake***

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    2. Good call, I think we all want to avoid Robitussin pie.

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  11. It looks beautiful! My daughter and I are going to start our seeds for the yard this weekend. I can't wait...and neither can she.

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  12. Those look almost as fabulous as your hair.

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  13. I planted 8 new perennials in our back yard a couple weeks back, and it took 2 hours, and OMGTHEDIGGING, and my aaasssss!, and all I can say is if those plants die, I. am. MOVING.

    The fruits of your manual labors are lovely. And yes to mulch. And until they grow into full on hedge size, they are very pretty little balls of green. Keep em watered...they're a hearty shrubbery, but even they can have a hard time rooting themselves in after they've been planted. We lost 2 last year after planting several throughout the yard. Made no sense, really. Why just 2 out of, like, 10 or 12? Statistics? Did all the other ones suck up the water they were supposed to be getting, maybe? ::gasp!:: Do we have evil and conniving shrubbery in our yard? Shiiiit...

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  14. How has no one mentioned the visible house number... let the intense research, followed by spontaneous visits, commence!

    Also, the Perfects are totally on the left when facing Eli's house from the street.

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    1. Well now that Eli has stated they're on the right, I feel silly...

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    2. You do know that you can just do a search of the Salt Lake County Property Records? They are online, you can have his address in like 10 seconds, you only need to know his name -- he only put his middle initial on his deed, apparently he can't be committed enough to(or can't remember/spell) a middle name to put it on anything permanent. Or maybe his middle name is simple W? That is also what he has on his bar filings.

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  15. Finally! A picture that shows enough to figure out where your house is! Be expecting a large shipment of cats.

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    1. Are you sure you want to get a large order of cats that were shipped with burritos?

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    2. Just as long as they aren't cat burritos.

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    3. I'm totally the best stalker guys! I totally drove by his house and took this picture instead of doing some Googling and Google mapsing. http://imgur.com/91UD9eJ

      Prepare to receive some burritos shaped like cats!

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    4. If the cats get shipped with burritos, expect some very overweight cats. Trixy is going to have to lead some major aerobics/spinning/pilates/pirates/bootlegging/teetotaling/waitwherewasigoingwiththis classes.

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  16. I just can't breath from laughing! Here Eli is, working hard and expecting congrats....and the left-right orientation of the Perfects to his house discussion is as captivating as all get out!! We are all picturing a man's neighbors' house lol! Eli, we are so thankful to be part of your world!

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  17. Left, right... No matter, I just want confirmation that that house pictured right next to yours is the Perfects'.

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  18. Man, you know you almost don't even need the other recommendations on your resume now that you have Mr. Perfect's! Although the one from American Express is pretty dang good! I mean that's pretty impressive that you know them! Are they nice? Do you think they'd come to my house party?

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  19. Am I the only one a little freaked out that Eli is being stalked?! Eli, " Stranger Danger" is what all the kids say these days.

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  20. Every time I read about the Perfects, I read it as the Prefects and feel like I'm in a Harry Potter book. So I don't think you did that yard work, Eli, it was Hagrid with an umbrella in the front yard.

    And awesomesauciness is now professor McGonagle.

    And in Arizona, we just put rocks in our yards. And weeds fight back (scorpion weed).

    Just sayin'

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    1. Do what you have to do, I'll secure the castle.

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    2. Can I blow up the bridge, please please please? I always considered myself a Seamus.

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