Sunday, July 1, 2018

You guys. Jurassic World. There's another one.

Last week Meg told me there was a new Jurassic World movie out, and then she threatened me to see it with her.

This is an activity that makes sense for us because our relationship is basically based off of the first Jurassic World movie. When that one came out I wrote a recap about it that was, how do I put this, somewhat critical. If you go to that post and look for Meg's contribution in the comments section, you'll find the birth of our friendship. Just three years ago we were commiserating over hating Jurassic World and now I'm 8th in line to get her children.

Mark my words: I will do what it takes to ascend that list.

Which is maybe why Saturday afternoon I showed up at Century 16 movie theater at 3:00 in the afternoon to meet Meg. What happened over the next two hours will be hard to explain. But I'll try.

You guys.

I really, truly, believed that the last movie was so bad that it was literally impossible for this one to be worse.

Remember the woman running faster than the T. Rex in high heels?

Remember the Disney channel kids who had perfectly blow-dried hair as they came out of the water after driving a 25-year-old vehicle they found in the jungle into a lake?

Remember how Chris Pratt taught the raptors how to love???

You guys.

This new edition of Jurassic World makes the the last one look like The Godfather.


I'm not even sure how to recap this crap because it made NO FREAKING SENSE WHATSOEVER.

But I'll try.

So the movie starts with these guys in a weird bubble submarine thing and they are trying to find dinosaur bones under water and I don't totally know why but I think it has something to do with DNA. There are some people above ground too. Then a giant monster eats the submarine. Meanwhile these people in a helicopter are yelling at some man to come get into the helicopter because there is a T. Rex behind him but instead of running to them or turning around to see why they might be freaking out he just comically holds his hand up to his ear and repeatedly screams "WHAT? I CAN'T HEEEEAAAAR YOUUUUU."

Then a water monster eats him somehow.

Suddenly we are in a grass-rootsy hipster start-up space definitely in San Francisco. This is where woman Ron Howard who ran faster than the T. Rex in high heels works these days. Meg explained to me when woman Ron Howard came onto the screen that her hair is longer in this movie, which is how we know she's nice now.

This non-profit organization she started(?) exists because there's an active volcano that's about to blow on Dinosaur Island and Congress is currently all hands on deck debating whether or not they should go in and save the dinosaurs or just let them go extinct again.


Jeff Goldblum vomits nonsense about how the dinosaurs are going to destroy mankind if we don't let the volcano kill them.

This is apparently convincing because Congress is like "THIS IS AN ACT OF GOD AND WE WILL DO NOTHING" and when that announcement happens, woman Ron Howard is like "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Then she whispers "no one cares" as a tear slowly rolls down her cheek like that native American who hates littering. Suddenly her two quirky sidekicks, who it is now apparent are going to be the lovable characters we will have to watch say horrific one-liners for the next two hours, are standing right behind her and they're like, "we care."

Suddenly woman Ron Howard gets a phone call and she is told she has to go up to Downton Abbey somewhere in northern California to meet with the farmer from Babe.

I'm not kidding you about this house. Meg has taken to calling it Pemberly Manor. When it first came onto the screen, she leaned over to me and said "where did they find a 17th century Victorian castle in northern California?" This is when it became clear to me that Meg still had expectations for this movie. And it made me sad for her. Kind of like watching a little boy sit on the front porch waiting for weekend dad to never show up and play catch with him.

There she finds out that the Babe farmer and that one old guy who started Jurassic Park were like super tight but then they had a falling out and then that other guy died and now farmer wants to save the dinosaurs. An evil man works for the farmer and his favorite thing to do is to lean down and put both hands on desks before delivering lines for dramatic effect.

Evil guy tells woman Ron Howard that he wants her to go to Dinosaur Island so she can use the system that she has access to to track down one of the raptors Chris Pratt had taught how to love so they can save it.

She's super excited about this and she agrees because she thinks evil guy just cares about the animals.

The Babe farmer guy has a granddaughter too and he apparently raised her after her mother died in a car accident BUT THIS IS A LITTLE MYSTERIOUS.

Woman Ron Howard goes to Chris Pratt, with whom she has apparently had some falling out after they found love through a mass genocide that they caused a few years ago. She talks Chris Pratt into going to Dinosaur Island with her by reminding him that he taught the raptors how to love.

I know you all love Chris Pratt and that this is a very unpopular opinion but OMG WHY DO THEY PUT CHRIS PRATT IN MOVIES HE IS SO TERRIBLE.

And you can't stop reading Stranger because you're offended that I said that because I came out just last week so everyone will think you left us because you're a homophobe.


So they all go to dinosaur island and even though they told us that it would be extremely hard to track down the one particular raptor they were supposed to look for, Chris Pratt finds it in like 4 minutes.

And THAT'S when they find out that the people who took them down there to "save" the animals are actually evil because they suddenly start shooting the animals and Chris Pratt with tranquilizers.

Then, out of nowhere, the volcano erupts cartoon lava, which slowly starts covering the island.

I'm not kidding about this lava and its properties. It was like a ten-year-old's concept of volcanoes.

It slowly oozes over the land, inch by inch, colorfully destroying everything our heroes hold dear.

So everyone is fighting against dinosaurs and fighting with dinosaurs and fighting each other and trying to stay on top of logs and rocks so they don't step in the lava and none of this makes ANY sense and the T. Rex keeps stepping in to help the nice humans because I guess we've all just accepted that the T. Rex is our friend now and he has the ability to recognize motives and distinguish human virtue from vice CALL ME OLD FASHIONED but back in MY day IN THE 90s the T. Rex ate people indiscriminately.

Some other crap happens and then eventually woman Ron Howard and one of her side-kicks is out by the water and they're watching the volcano eruption. The entire island is being engulfed in smoke and flames. It's dramatic.

But suddenly. In all of the flames that are totally consuming the island. Finally. Chris Pratt emerges from the smoke, running, and behind him also emerges, wait for it. Are you sitting down. You need to be sitting down for this.


They are all running together, in a giant pack, led by CHRIS FREAKING TERRIBLE PRATT, who apparently can run at least as fast as all of them.

A whole community of dinosaurs. Running together. To escape the volcano. As friends. All of them.

ALL of them.

It looked exactly like a scene from Braveheart.

I cannot overstate how ridiculous this image was.

No. It wasn't like Braveheart. I think it was stolen directly from Land Before Time.

I seriously started to think this movie was just a parody of itself at this point.

Meg and I were laughing so hard I thought we were going to get kicked out of the theater.

Woman Ron Howard and her sidekick get into this bubble car thing and they, Chris Pratt, and ALL of the dinosaurs, go running/driving off of a 500-foot cliff together.

They all land in the water and all of the dinosaurs are frantically trying to swim and magically no one is hurt at all.

Woman Ron Howard gets stuck in her bubble car and Chris Pratt has to dive down to expert scuba certification level (like, seriously, 200 feet under water) with nothing to help him breathe so he can cut the bubble car that is made of glass and metal open with a pocket knife. And he takes several seconds to show her the knife so she understands what he's going to do. And then after several minutes of being deeply submerged, they majestically swim to the surface somehow without immediately dying of dysbarism

Eventually they wash up on shore somewhere and that's where they see the giant ship finishing packing up all of the dinosaurs that the evil people captured. So woman Ron Howard and Chris Pratt sneak onto this ship by jumping a huge truck over a ramp and landing it where like 1200 crew people are working, but not a single person notices them.

They go into the ship where they find one of their allies who is trying to save the raptor that got shot earlier. She's a doctor, so she knows what she's doing. Specifically, she's a "paleo doctor," which does not mean she relentlessly tells all of her friends about her nonsensical diet that most definitely does not work, but it apparently means she's a doctor for dinosaurs. This, despite the fact that she has never seen a real dinosaur until this exact moment. 

Nonetheless, she tells the others that she needs to remove a bullet from the raptor's leg, but she can't save the raptor unless she can perform a blood transfusion.

Then woman Ron Howard stands up triumphantly and she's like "I USED TO VOLUNTEER AT THE BLOOD BANK."

The doctor gives her some completely nonsensical instruction about which dinosaurs are blood donors for raptors, and this leads them to their only option.

A T. REX!!!

So woman Ron Howard and Chris Pratt have to go searching for a T. Rex on the ship so they can draw a gallon of blood and I think they fall in love somewhere during this and Chris Pratt sniffs her hair and that could not possibly smell good because they just spent the day in the jungle fighting dinosaurs.

They get the blood and bring it back to the doctor who immediately pulls the bullet out of the raptor in one simple move before smiling and declaring "she's going to be ok!" And they all cheer.

Suddenly the ship docks in northern California.

It took them about one hour to get from Costa Rica to northern California.

On a cruise-liner.

That's over 4,000 miles.

Even if they were traveling at 170 miles per hour, it would take them more than a day.

The average cruise liner is capable of travelling around 23 miles per hour, max. That means that it should have taken this ship at least 7.2 days to get to its destination.


Once they get to northern California, they bring all of the dinosaurs to Downton Abbey.

The mysterious granddaughter who is like 10 years old somehow discovers that the guy who works for her grandfather is evil and that he is planning to sell the dinosaurs to highest bidders so they can be used to fight wars.

You know.

Instead of tanks and airplanes and missiles and nuclear bombs, countries would now like to start sending in completely untrainable dinosaurs to fight their battles.

She tells the grandpa and when he confronts the evil guy the evil guy suffocates the grandpa with a pillow.

So now the child is on the run in Downton Abbey.

That very night, people from ALL OVER THE FREAKING WORLD show up to Downton Abbey to participate in the dinosaur auction. They were able to gather surprisingly quickly for this surprise event.

They're all such extremely offensive stereotypes of the countries they represent that I'm pretty sure this movie is actually a hate crime.

Oh I forgot. The heroes all get captured at some point and they are put in jail cells under Downton Abbey with the rest of the dinosaurs.

The auction people make their purchases for a while until suddenly the auctioneer introduces a new dinosaur that was recently created and it is like part raptor/part T. Rex/part the alien from Signs and it can apparently hunt down anyone and kill them.

Just then Chris Pratt shows up with some of his dinosaur friends that he let lose and they free the mutant and chaos happens and some people get eaten and the next thing you know Chris Pratt and his raptor WHOM HE TAUGHT HOW TO LOVE fight an entire room of like 200 people with Chris Pratt's bare fists and he is successful even though all of the people he is fighting have weapons INCLUDING and I'm not kidding you about this FREAKING LIGHT SABERS.

So after Chris Pratt beats up all 200 people, he and woman Ron Howard find the child and try to escape with her and that's when they run into the evil guy.

Evil guy is like, "oh. Are you sure you want to take her with you? What if I told you . . . SHE'S A CLONE!"

This plot point makes absolutely. no. sense.

But apparently the reason why the Babe farmer and the guy who started Jurassic Park had their falling out was because the guy who started Jurassic Park didn't like that Babe farmer cloned his daughter after she died in the car accident.

Why this girl being a clone would have any bearing whatsoever on whether or not someone would want to raise her is beyond me.

OH AND I FORGOT TO MENTION that alien clone child sometimes and only sometimes has a British accent.

Then there's this whole to-do with the mutant dinosaur on the roof and the hero raptor ends up throwing the mutant through a ceiling so that it lands perfectly on the horns of a museum dinosaur, effectively killing it.

Then they all run underground again to dinosaur prison where they find out that poisonous gas is leaking and it's going to kill all of the dinosaurs unless they do something.

Woman Ron Howard holds her hand over a comically giant red button that will open all of the doors and let the dinosaurs out into the wild EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE FOUR LEVELS UNDERGROUND and she wants to do it but Chris Pratt is like "you can't let the dinosaurs out. They will kill everyone."

So she steps away from the button and hugs Chris Pratt.

Suddenly the doors open anyway and they all turn around and see clone girl with her hand on the button and then she says to them:

You need to brace yourself for this.

It's the best part of the whole movie.

Go pop some popcorn and come back.

I'll wait.

She looks them in the eyes, the camera moves in, the music swells, and she freaking says:

"I had to. [dramatic pause] They're alive. Like me."

You guys!




Meg let an uncontrollable laugh out the moment she said it. Her laugh was loud enough to draw stares from the couple sitting down the row from us.

She laughed so hard that I was worried it was going to induce labor.


We were both in the violent shakes for the next several minutes, trying to stifle our hysteria.

The dinosaurs run free and break into towns and villages and the zoo and there's this whole montage where a T. Rex and a lion are standing on opposing pride rocks taking turns roaring at each other and Jeff Goldblum's voice occasionally cuts in, saying things like "if the dinosaurs are not kept in check, there's no telling what they'll do" and the Jurassic Park music plays WHICH IS BLASPHEMY when held up against this putrid catastrophe of a cinematic misventure.

When the movie cut to the credits we both sat in silence for a moment.

Meg looked at me and simply said, "let's leave."

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. Dude, is this movie eleventy hours long? Because that's a lot of stuff packed in there! And is it me or does the whole dinosaurs running around northern California a bit reminiscent of The Lost World? Well, regardless of how ridiculous this sounds (and how amazing your hair looks), I suppose I will probably still need to see it anyway once it is out on DVD or on the Netflixes.
    Also, why do they keep bringing Jeff Goldblum's character back in various Jurassic Park movies? Even in the original one? He was a math guy, not a dinosaur guy!

    1. It felt like eleventy hours. I told Meg at one point during the movie that I wished they had a clock at the top right corner counting down how many minutes were left so I at least knew how much longer I had to be completely miserable.

  2. Thanks for saving me $20. Now I won't have to bother taking mom to see this "disaster" movie or should I say this disaster OF a movie. Sounds really, really stupid!!!!!

  3. There needs to be a blog giveaway where someone wins the chance to go to a terrible movie with you and Meg. That sounds like a good time.

    1. If enough people say yes, can this happen? Also can it be all expenses paid? Because I live in Paraguay and can’t afford to fly into SLC on a whim...

  4. Best. Movie. Recap. Of. All. Time.

  5. They actually only made this entire movie so you would review it again because your initial review of Jurassic World was so good. Serious.

  6. Ok Eli, I completely agree with you in every way that this is one of the worst movies ever made! However, I think you left out some of the dumbest parts, like how Chris Pratt was able to run as fast as the dinosaurs even though he had just been shot by a dinosaur tranquilizer in his chest! Also, how about when the mutant dinosaur pretended to be asleep when that man was trying to take one of his teeth?!! And how did the Ron Howard side kick man end up going from disguising himself as a dockworker to being a lab assistant?? And how was Chris Pratt magically able to find the little girl’s bedroom in like three minutes when that house had like 4,000 rooms and was the best he could was to hide it bed with her? And is there a reason why the Asian man who also in Jurassic Park hasn’t aged at all? Is he one of “the others” from Lost?

    Or how about why in the heck was the creepy guy who smothers the farmer the little girl’s legal guardian??! And who was the old lady who raised both the mother and the child but left without a word as soon as the evil man told her to?
    Sorry! This movie was so bad that it kept me up for like two hours that night thinking about how a five-year-old could have written a better script! However, if you feel the need to watch another recent release movie that will immediately make Jurrasic World look like an academy award worthy movie, please check out Rampage with the Rock and please review it for us so I can verify to others that it truly wins for worst movie ever!!

    1. There was just too much to cover. It was incredibly overwhelming.

  7. I haven’t seen any Jurassic movie since I was in daycare in the early 90s and even then I thought We’re Back was the superior dinosaur movie. Also this recap is exactly why I don’t see blockbuster movies anymore. Give me small release indie and arthouse films that care about plot over money, please.

    I do love Chris Pratt though, because he grew up about an hour north of where I grew up. Gotta support the local boy!

    Lastly, I hope guilting readers into staying by threatening homophobia is going to be a new thing. 😂

    1. I want you to know that you are showing your homophobia by disagreeing with me about Chris Pratt.

    2. Oh no! I’ll recite Somewhere Over the Rainbow 20 times and watch Liza Minnelli movies all holiday weekend in repentance.

    3. I will love Chris Pratt forever because he brought life to one if my favorite characters, Andy Drwyer, from my most favorite show, Parks and Rec. That being said, I have been extremely dissatisfied with his other movies.

  8. "Then, out of nowhere, the volcano erupts cartoon lava, which slowly starts covering the island.

    I'm not kidding about this lava and its properties. It was like a ten-year-old's concept of volcanoes."

    All I can see if my 3rd grade science project where I mixed baking soda and dyed vinegar in an attempt to create a volcano.

  9. Best review ever! I love any and all Jurassic Park movies, anything with dinosaurs, giant mutant animals, Cloverfield Monsters and for some reason natural disasters!! Here is something I found on Imgur, so I am stealing to re-post here
    3 Million AD.
    The humans are extinct.
    The dino-scientists find mosquitoes with human blood.
    Guess who they clone...
    Jeff. F-ing, Goldblum.
    They mis up the mosquito DNA with Goldblum's.
    Surprise Assholes.
    This is now the sequel to "The Fly".

    You're welcome :)

    1. THIS. *slow clap* Someone get Unknown a typewriter to start working on this script.

    2. This post is producing some of the most genius comments I've ever seen on a blog.

  10. Reading your fabulous recap of this awful movie finally justified the fact that I saw it. Before this I was just bugged. So thank you for the laughs.

  11. I kind of want to see it more now. I love a good unintentional comedy.

  12. Thank you for this excellent recap. I’ve adamantly refused to watch any Jurassic movie since my husband forced me to watch the original repeatedly during our first year of marriage many moons ago.
    That being said, Chris Pratt is my 16 year old’s current obsession so the aforementioned husband took her to see this newest monstrosity opening weekend. My 13 yo son had better sense and opted to go to grandma’s instead. He has not regretted that decision.
    When I asked how the movie was, they gave nothing away, which frustrated me to no end because even though I will never watch this movie I must have an entire play by play so I don’t change my mind.
    My parents took my 14 yo niece to see it Saturday. My mother said, and I quote, “ I’m so traumatized I may need therapy.” Upon further questioning, she didn’t give much of an explanation other than all the dinosaurs were released upon humanity and the girl is a clone.
    From now on I’d like YOU to watch and thoroughly recap every movie ever before I decide if it’s worth my time.

  13. "And you can't stop reading Stranger because you're offended that I said that because I came out just last week so everyone will think you left us because you're a homophobe."

    That made me spit my drink out from laughter. And now you owe me a drink.

    You need to review all movies.

    1. He needs to review home movies, I think that's a niche that has yet to be exploited.

    2. Oh my gosh, YES! Home movie reviews would be perfection.

    3. The home movie reference made me think it's time for another dramatic reading from Eli's journal.

  14. Some friends took their 80+ year old mother to see this movie. She kept asking why they had to make the dinosaurs so mean. 🤣

    1. This is so something my grandma would say. My uncle took her to Italy years ago and after walking around Rome for 2 days he asked her what she thought and she said, "this whole place could use a good scrubbin' and fresh coat of paint!"

  15. You're dead to me. and i'm not even a bigot because i'm gay. also, the reason i liked the movie was not because Chris Pratt is hot... Lava is hot. so there.

  16. 10/10 Eli came out because he was in the process of writing this review and knew his readership.

    Well played, McCann. Well played.

    1. I love the Jurassic Park movies and was going to stop reading Stranger because of this review, but I can't now because people would think I'm a homophobe. D**n you Eli WhittleParkWorldKingdom McCann!

    2. I also love the Jurassic Park movies. But these are not Jurassic Park movies. These are an abomination. At least they had the decency to call them by a slightly different name.

  17. It is so nice to hear someone speak eternal truths.

  18. You forget the part where women Ron Howard got stabbed through the kneecap by a dinosaur talon and just kept running around like nothing happened.

    1. The dinosaur who was able to find her because the lights got turned on, even though they had earlier said that they can smell things up to a mile away! I guess their sense of smell doesn’t work unless the lights are on.

    2. I really appreciate that people are just accepting my use of "woman Ron Howard" to describe the lead actress.

  19. My favorite part was immediately after they miraculously made the jump onto the boat and as they watched the island be consumed by ash and comical lava, there was a lone dinosaur standing there watching the boat like, "um. . . guys? You're just gonna leave me here? . . .Dammit." And all the characters were openly weeping.
    It was all I could do to hide my laughter and eye-rolling from my 12 year old brother who was INTO it.

    1. I cannot believe I forgot to talk about this part. That went on FOREVER. Also, and I haven't confronted Meg about this yet, but I think she actually shed a tear during this scene. If true, she'll blame it on pregnancy.

  20. I honestly though you would be done summarizing the movie when Chris Pratt came running from the volcano with his dinosaur herd. But then there was SO MUCH MORE. A Clone Child?! Wow. Now I have to go watch this.

    1. A lot of people are saying they need to see this now that they've read the recap. I promise you, the movie is so long that it's not worth it, even for the laughs. I recommend waiting until you can DVR or Netflix it so you can just skim through it and catch glimpses of the absurdity.

      You've been warned.

  21. Ummm question - you said "Remember the woman running faster than the T. Rex in high heels?" - was the T-Rex in high heels? Please forgive me I have never seen the movies.

  22. Eli, it sounds like you’ve lost your belief suspenders. Do you want me to send you an amazon link to my favorite pair? I always wear my belief suspenders to movies like this, makes them infinitely more enjoyable!

    (Though I’m honestly not sure anything could have made this enjoyable

  23. Also I LOVE CHRIS PRATT! But only as Andy Dwyer in Parks and Rec. I liked him in Guardians Of the Galaxy because I feel like that character is just a slightly different version of Andy Dwyer. I can’t take him seriously in serious roles....full disclosure this is also the reason I am nervous about the new Amazon Jack Ryan series. Jim Halpert is now playing someone who was first brought to life by Harrison Ford? Really??? I don’t know if I can handle it!

  24. Hello! I am over the moon excited that I am back home, finally, on my real computer and able to comment again because my phone has been hijacked by technology/internet/apple goblins that hate me and don't want me to be able to comment anymore. I am so excited by the possibility of commenting that I don't even remember what I was going to say. Which is kind of like what happened when I got to hang out with Eli and Duncan on Sunday, I was so excited to be hanging out with them I couldn't think of anything to say. Just Blah Blah Blah I'm such a weirdo. BUT IT WAS COOL. What is this post even about? I read it like three times driving back home from California, too... Dinosaurs? Does Hollywood still make movies? I wish there was a way I could just watch them, right from home, like wherever I wanted in my house just through my phone or something. Sigh.

    1. Amy - I think the phone gods are against us - I tried commenting earlier this week via phone as well and just realized it never posted :(

    2. This is completely a possibility . . . Except you like us and wouldn't censor US! RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!

  25. Am I okay if I say that Chris Pratt is generally a really bad movie actor but I like him as a person?

    1. Look, I’ve never met the guy. He’d probably be a great accountant or something. I’m just saying, stop putting him in movies.

    2. His acceptance speech at a recent award show was stellar. Yes - he wins awards - and I'm okay with that because I show his acceptance speeches to my son who thinks Star Lord is awesome and they inspire him to do better and believe in himself and believe in God.

  26. I also have to add two things I was surprised you didn't cover.
    First, Pratt gets hit with a tranquilizer that knocks out dinosaurs and he is paralyzed then when the lava comes he some how miraculously and crazily pulls himself out of the path. And THEN right afyea he is able to run across half the island and outrun dinosaurs!!!
    Second, they we're selling those dinosaurs for pennies. Ok millions but not enough millions. I am a financial advisor so maybe I am just too much of a numbers person and no one else cares. I can't remember all the numbers but like one dinosaur went for like 2 million. And the evil guys eyes are getting big when they have sold like 10 dinosaurs and they are at 30 million. 30 million probably barely covers the cost to transport and cage those animals! Why is he drooling over it? He probably manages hundreds of millions for the old guy. Not to mention the cost of developing that new one and they are selling it for only 10 million! Sheesh.
    My friends and I sat and discussed this movie for about an hour after, talking about all of the plot holes. We talked about it like it was a real thing and not a movie, haha.
    Also I love love love Chris Pratt!!!

  27. Hey there! Awesomesauciness here...been missing a LOT lately, because adulting, but I know someone who worked on movie sets with Chris Pratt and he said the dude is real, solid, and nice as can be...unlike some actors who are arrogant asses. The first JW was awful, unintentionally hilarious, so maybe I’ll go see this one for the same reason.

  28. Honest Trailers just released their video for the latest Jurassic World, and I thought you would appreciate it:

    Between your perfect recap and this trailer, I definitely have no need to waste my time watching this movie.

    1. There's one for the first Jurassic World as well, in case you haven't see that Honest Trailer: