Sunday, January 20, 2019

Better or Worse

I woke up on Saturday morning to tweeted videos of boys from a Catholic school taunting and mocking elderly indigenous people. If you somehow haven't seen this yet, you can find at least one article about it here. The school and the boys are being raked through the coals on social media. The whole event and the seemingly endless stream of videos that have been surfacing has spurred a bunch of debates in a very short period, several of which have been fascinating and sometimes disturbing to follow.

This isn't a political post. It could be--there are plenty of articles being published now about the incident--articles that try to digest the politics associated with the thing that happened. That's fine and well, but while I've watched with horrified curiosity for a dozen different reasons, one of the sub-debates happening has made me think about a topic I've wanted to broach on Stranger for some time: religion. You know. That other thing about which no one has strong opinions.

Whenever religious people are involved in some publicized despicable act, a conversation about religion and whether it's good or bad or something in between often surfaces. I'm usually curious to hear these debates, largely because for a long time I was quite religious.

Growing up Mormon, I was used to spending three or more hours at church every Sunday. Church events took up portions of my weeknights, too. For all four years of high school, one of my daily school classes was a religion class held just at the edge of the public school's property. The home I grew up in had religious pictures hanging in every single room, bathrooms not excluded. As a child I just sort of assumed that this was probably the case with every house in America. I was used to this. The religion wasn't a thing we did; it was a lifestyle, infiltrating every aspect of everything we knew.

More than ten percent of my income was given to the church, without question. When I was 19, I left home to live in Ukraine for two years as a Mormon missionary, where I worked from sunrise to well past sunset every day, only talking to my family twice a year for a brief phone call. I was beat up multiple times on the streets of Ukraine and on three separate occasions I literally thought I might die in that country. Despite that, I never considered calling it quits. I remember seeing a picture of my mom after I had been gone for about 20 months and thinking that her face looked unrecognizable to me in a way I still can't explain. By that point, my family seemed like they belonged to a different lifetime in some alternate universe. A lot of that is probably because at that age, those two years accounted for a tenth of my life and 100% of adulthood, so it seemed a lot longer than two years does to me now.

The mission thing wasn't unique where I grew up. There was never any question in my community that I and most of my friends would do this thing that seems kind of nuts when I think about it now. (I use that word not disparagingly. I'm super happy that I lived in Ukraine for two years and have zero regrets about it. But that doesn't make the fact any less nuts.)

After Ukraine, I spent the next six years attending a Mormon university to get undergrad and law degrees. A substantial amount of my daily life was devoted to my religion, again, without question.

All of this is to say that I was very religious for very many years. Most of my family is very religious, as are a good portion of my close friends and colleagues. I am surrounded by religion in my work and social life and social media life and neighborhood and literally everything that I do.

With the background I've described, and the total immersion of religious life I still experience on some level just because of where I live and who I associate with, you can maybe imagine what a strange thing it was a few years ago to become not religious.

After spending so much time in the closet and trying desperately to stay there, convinced that eventually my passion for the religion would help me figure out a way to make that all work, I finally had to start facing some harsh realities. I've written about that experience generally, but the tl;dr is that I felt it necessary to accept, just on the basis of basic emotional survival, that the religion was not something that could keep being a part of my life in the same way it always was. For my own peace and happiness and sanity, I had to move on.

I am thoroughly convinced that anyone who has not been in that position has no idea how gut-wrenching it is. From time to time, I've heard people suggest that losing one's religion or stepping away is taking the easy way out. I totally resent that. The easy way for me would have been to just keep doing what I was doing, miserable and unfulfilled and feeling truly dishonest with myself, but at least staying the familiar course. It took substantially more courage to come out and try to determine what it meant to be a good person in a paradigm that was totally foreign to me.

So yes, I stepped back, and possibly understanding the word "faith" really for the first time, I started making some choices for myself that completely changed my life and purpose.

When I began forging that new path, I made a decision not to do it with any bitterness or guile or disrespect. I couldn't imagine how any of those things would be productive. If the purpose of making a new life for myself was to find peace, I certainly wouldn't be doing that well through anger.

Truthfully, that has not always been easy. If you think there is never a reason to be angry at religion or religious people, you should come be a gay man in Utah for one day. Also, if you do, you better pencil me in for brunch.

Even if that has been challenging at times, for the most part, I've been able to maintain a nuanced perspective about the whole thing that isn't bitter, and because of that, I've been able to move on without making the whole thing any kind of obsession. I'm really grateful for that.

Through all of this, I've come to believe that religion doesn't have the market cornered on good or bad people. If I made a list of the best and worst people I know, half of the people on each list would be religious. I suspect that that may be true for most of you, too.

I remember hearing a quote popular in Mormondom long ago about how a church isn't a place where perfect people gather to behave perfectly, but rather where imperfect people go to become better. I get the sentiment, but I do think the latter part is overly simplistic.

People sometimes say that they found God and it changed them. Maybe that's true--I wouldn't want to discount that if that's your experience, but if I'm being honest, I really don't believe that religion changes a person. I believe that all it does is magnify the kind of person they already are. In that way, religion helps some people do better and others do worse.

Racists use their religion to justify hate and apathy, sometimes by strapping themselves to fiery sermons and notions of a vengeful God. Selfless folks use their religion as a vehicle to serve and as a tool to practice humility. I've thought from time to time that I wished we could take religion away from the people in the first category and give it to the latter.

A religion has a responsibility to speak out when it is being used to stoke hate, and when it doesn't do that well, it doesn't deserve to be well.

I believe all of this, because I've seen it. I've seen it in my community and sometimes in my own extended family. I saw it within myself on some level, too. Looking back, I know that I used my religion as an outlet for the best and worst parts of myself. I hope it was mostly for the former, but I'll let the people who knew me then be my judge on that.

All of this is to plead, as someone who was once quite religious and is now quite not, please take a moment and truly ask yourself if you are using religion to do better or worse. (I think some form of the question should be considered by the nonreligious as well as the church-goers, by the way.)

Ask yourself, sincerely, if you are using your religion to make the world a kinder place. Ask yourself if your religion motivates you to love others rather than see them as inferior or different. Consider whether your religion is making it easier for you to forgive and empathize, rather than begrudge and judge. Ponder whether your religious participation compels you to be more honest with other people, or does it give you an avenue to take advantage of them.

Do yourself a favor and think about this. And if you feel like your religion might be making you do worse, do yourself an even bigger favor and make some changes. 

Your religion won't do that for you.


Ukraine, circa 2004.

~It Just Gets Stranger

41 comments:

  1. This has to be one of your best posts. I certainly hope that in my life, my behavior and example exemplify the teachings of Christ.

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  2. This post left me feeling kind of sad, and I'm not exactly sure why that is. Part of it is thinking how awful it must have been to grow up LDS at a time when there was even less empathy for the struggle of gay LDS members than there is now. Part of it is thinking how hard it must have been to forge your own path the way you did. And part of it is that as someone who is still LDS I often think about the way the LDS church treats gay people, and wonder how it could possibly change for the better considering the church doctrine. It hurts to think of how many young people are walking the same path you did, and how much they all must be struggling in ways I can't even comprehend. I feel like something has to change but I don't see it happening anytime soon.

    Anyway, thank you for writing this. I have often wondered about your religious journey but of course it's no ones place to ask. I'm glad that you have come out of all that struggle to what seems like a much more peaceful and happier place... even if that place IS in the circles of hell doing wedding planning.

    Not that we know what hell is, Cathy.

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  3. Respect. And can I pencil you in for brunch next time I come to Salt Lake City as a straight woman, or is that more of a, like, snacks in the park kind of thing?

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  4. Also, I was denied access to commenting on your previous few posts, but as a millionty other people offered, I would also love to be a beta reader for your book. I have been a reader for many author aspiring friends, and I really enjoy the whole process. And here’s how I planned my wedding: since my parents live in Michigan, and Devin is from California, I made everyone go to a tiny town in Illinois called “Nauvoo” - some of you may be familiar with it. My mom picked out my wedding dress, I drove home from college to try it on, said thanks mom it’s great, and drove back to school. My best friends decorated my reception, another friend did hair/makeup/photography, and we all worked together and made bouquets with those cloth flowers you buy at hobby lobby. You’ll figure out what works for you.

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    1. Amy - have I asked you where in Michigan your parents live?

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    2. In the Detroit area, on the Pontiac/Flint side; in a township called Waterford

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  5. The Catholic school you refer to is a local one. I have been following the local news about the event, watching an interview from the elderly gentleman as well as the young men involved in the incident. Both sides state events that are quite different than that which is being tweeted. Of course, if it’s on the internet, it must be true.

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  6. This was incredible. It gives us all something to think about.

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  7. I nearly cried reading this. I also grew up Mormon in the middle of Utah and am now not religious at all. Reading so much of what I've felt over the last couple years but written by someone else is just amazing to me. Especially the part about just how hard it is to leave a religion/ way of life that is all you've ever known. I think everyone finds peace in different ways and I found mine when I chose to no longer be religious. There's a lot to be said about being happy after years of feeling broken. Even still, it was so extraordinarily difficult to make that decision. It's still hard some days, but my decisions aren't something I can regret. I'm glad you were able to find peace too. Thank you for posting this.

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  8. Reading this at 1:38 in the morning, I don't understand most of this. I'll read it again tomorrow

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  9. You are amazing. You perfectly explained what it's like to grow up Mormon and the pain you go through when you decide to leave. I still haven't left but I've spent about 5 years in terrible pain challenging the doctrines and trying to figure out how to reconcile the things I believe with the things I completely disagree with. It's hard to stay and it's hard to go. You have a beautiful perspective about this and you've handled it with so much dignity and grace. Keep doing you.

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    1. This breaks my heart and I don't know the best way forward, but I will support you as much as an internet Stranger can.

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    2. I feel like I am in this same boat right now as well. It’s a painful process.

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  10. As someone gay who grew up in the Mormon church and just recently came out and have left the church I appreciate this post SO MUCH it really puts into words my experience as well and how I feel about religion in general. KEEP SPREADING THOSE GOOD VIBES

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  11. ‘Scuse me. I’ll be back to finish reading right after I relocate a few pictures of Jesus to my bathrooms.

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  12. As always, your hair looks great.
    And thank you for putting into words what has been bouncing around in my brain. Not only because of the most recent media hype, but also what’s going on between friends on Facebook. If God *is*, then he should be love not hate.

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  13. Thank you for writing this. It says so much that needs to be said. I grew up non-Mormon in Utah and, for my own reasons, have very similar views to what you have talked about. I used to hear, constantly, what? You're not Mormon?! But you're SO nice! Does something to you over the years. I often have thought that religion can really bring out the worst in people, unfortunately. Some of the most religious people I know are also the least Christian people I know and some of the least religious people I know are the most Christ-like. Funny how that works!

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  14. This is an amazing article that really puts words into how I have felt sometimes regarding religion. I am happy you have been able to move on in such a positive way. Sometimes you need to live your truth and you can't just wait around for some religion to finally have a revelation.

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  15. I just cleare my throat and tapped my inner microphone. Is this thing on? I have a few things I’d like to say as the winner of several bottle doll contests and other major awards on the mom blog, as well as a MAJOR contributor to the punky Brewster post: first, I’ve deeply appreciated following your journey all these years. I found your blog after Jenny Lawson shared Snuggie texts, and I’ve never looked back. At that time in my life, I was home with two tiny kids, lost and looking for my true north, and your posts often kept me going when I needed a boost of joy. Second: I grew up and stayed in my super cozy Lilly white bubble of eastern Massachusetts. My parents brought us to a wonderful, progressive church who openly welcomed the LGBTQ community (although they didn’t call it that back the ). I too was very religious. I loved the beautiful way our minister, a woman, discussed social justice and how they related to religious teachings. I loved it. I looked forward to it. I loved my youth group. I loved my other minister who was like a huge hippy. But it changed. When the beloved ministers moved on to new places they were replaced with people who just got down with the Bible, and the stringent following of Jesus (who I’m SURE was amazing, but that’s a different post)...And all Of a sudden, as I became a young adult, I realized that my little universe was not the norm...just like you. And that my cozy warm peaceful church was probably an outlier. And then I started to pay attention to what powerful religious organizations can do at their worst. And I was heartbroken. And so I decided to become non religious also. And it was hard. And it was sad. And I often thought how easy it would be to just join up again and focus on he positives. But I can’t do that. And I won’t bring my boys up that way. So we as a family study social justice, nature, science, truthful history, civil rights, and kindness as our everyday religion. But at Christmas (which we view as a pagan/secular holiday) I still can sing along to all the church songs. And I still miss it. Even though this privileged white straight woman can’t understand coming out, I do understand losing religion. It’s a weird feeling to describe and your words really spoke to me.

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  16. I rarely comment even though I've been reading this blog for years, but I really felt moved to comment on this post. As much as I love your humorous posts, I especially love your serious ones because you manage to walk that incredibly thin line - you are always respectful, but also call out BS. That's a skill not many authors have, honestly.

    Whenever I think about people who use religion to harm, I remember when I was 15 and in a church youth group. The leader brought a dozen donuts and invited boys (only boys, mind you) up to pick out a donut to eat. But one of the donuts had been stomped on first, so obviously no one wanted to eat that one. Then the leader informed the group that that gross, dirty donut was just like a girl who had had premarital sex. That donut was ruined and no sane boy would want it. It's been 15 years and I'm still absolutely horrified by the fact that an adult told a bunch of little girls that we were worthless if we did something as simple as have sex, and that was the day I mentally checked out of that particular religion.

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    1. That is devesrating. I’m so sorry that you experienced that. It’s stories like yours that compiled in my heart, pushing me away from organized religion (just my personal choice, there are many wonderful good religious peeps obv)

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    2. That makes my skin crawl. I wish your experience was an outlier but sadly that attitude pervades our society, even amongst people who aren’t religious. But it also perfectly highlights why I’m disgusted a school sent teenage boys to a protest march. It’s just teaching them to devalue women. Just what we all need...yet another generation of entitled bigots.

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    3. Not quite sure how a protest march devalues women. These young men were protesting abortion. Does that raise a generation of entitled bigots? Just wondering...

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    4. Hi Anonymous, there is video footage of these teenage boys harassing women in DC (which is where I happen to live). They were not sent to this march armed with thoughtful knowledge on both sides of a complicated and sensitive subject impacting the health of women.

      The topic of this march is not as simple as “protesting abortion”. To simplify it so egregiously is to gloss over centuries of how society treats women, access to safe medical care for women, and how society views sex both in terms of men having sex as opposed to women having sex.

      Frankly, I’m unwilling to educate a literally anonymous stranger on this multifaceted subject in the comments subject of somebody else’s blog.

      If you genuinely, honestly care about the feminist perspective, there are many resources available to help guide you.

      Asking women to do the work for you in blog comments is not the way to genuinely gain knowledge on such a complex topic.

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  17. Thank you for this post Eli.

    I was raised ELCA Lutheran, in the Seattle metro area, so I was raised in a progressive atmosphere. I attended a Lutheran university which requires two religion credits as part of the general studies, but the two courses have to be from different perspectives, in an effort of encouraging students to broaden their world views. I took Christian Theology where I learned about the concept of Pluralism, and I took Buddhism. My brother took Judaism, and the chair of the religion department at my Lutheran school was Jewish. My church, next door to the university, held a wedding reception for our gay music director and the northwest synod bishop came to celebrate.

    This upbringing has made me very uncomfortable with the way religion is presented and perceived in America, because it goes against everything I was taught and currently believe. I never see my experience reflected in the media.

    This current controversy really disgusts me because a catholic school is using its position to indoctrinate teenage boys. They bussed them out for a school field trip for the sole purpose of protesting the reproductive rights of adult women. I do not trust this school to honestly and objectively discuss the medical risks of pregnancy (a procedure that is still deadly for many women, even in first world countries with leading medical advancements) vs the medical procedure of aborting a pregnancy. I don’t even trust a catholic school to teach these boys about the risks of unprotected sex and how to practice safe sex, let alone how to empathize with the nuances of unplanned pregnancy women have to endure.

    I find that absolutely abhorrent and disgusting — that the adults running this school are using religion as a way to enforce a status quo where white men are above everyone else. That’s certainly not what Jesus taught.

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    1. This might seem too on the nose of a reply, considering the topic of the post, but PREACH IT, SISTER! ::clapping hands and then raising them to the heavens::

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  18. This is an amazing article that really puts words into how I have felt sometimes regarding religion. I am happy you have been able to move on in such a positive way. Sometimes you need to live your truth and you can't just wait around for some religion to finally have a revelation.

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  19. I left religion entirely 6 years ago. I had been faithful for 45 years. There was a straw that broke the camel's back but it had been building for a long time. I can say that I am a nicer, more caring person now. I'm much more aware of other people difficulties and problems and try to help more. Back when I was religious, I though poor people must have done something to deserve to be poor or did it too themselves with bad decisions. I am ashamed of how I thought then. Actually, I didn't think about it much, just accepted what I had learned.
    I also regret all the time I spent doing religious things. What a waste of time and energy for nothing. I will never ever go back. Even if god as described in the bible existed, it wouldn't be worthy of worship.
    I hope your journey goes well.

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  20. Thank you for reminding ALL of us, religious or not, to work to make the world a kinder place. Thank you for reminding us that we can disagree without being disagreeable. And thank you for encouraging us to be better.

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  21. I'm a recovering Baptist so I can relate. It drives me nuts when people put faith above reason.

    I think that one day mankind will evolve to realize that religion was just a neurological disorder.

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  22. I’m not ready to publically share all of the thoughts this post brought up for me just yet. What I will say is thank you for this. Even though my relationship to religion and how I came to that place is different than yours, your story makes me feel less alone.

    Religion is a tool. A hammer can be used to build a home, or beat someone to death, it isn’t inherently good or evil, it is just a device. I also know that ther is a way to build a home without using a hammer at all. There are many paths, do your best and be truly kind to each other.

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  23. Thank you for your post. I grew up in Utah with a very religious family. I left the church 4 years ago after realizing people use religion to enable the best and worst parts of society. It was refreshing to read your post and realize I’m not the only person who has felt that way. I appreciate the blog and how candid you are in difficult topics.

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  24. I saw this post and honestly couldn’t wait to see what you thought!

    “Religion” itself has always been such a confusing thing in my family. My father was raised Mormon, mother Catholic. As a baby they apparently compromised and baptized me Episcopalian ����‍♀️. But by the time I was 7-8, I was baptized Mormon. Long story short, my parents were weird. Bless their hearts. My life since has been a weird battle between my faith and my “religion”. Ultimately I definitely feel more at home at the LDS church. But like I’ve told my husband, I’m no “ride or die” chick. (Like why can’t I drink coffee ��).I’ve got questions. And so does my “four square, born again Christian” husband” ����

    To me there’s a HUGE difference between “faith” and “religion”. My faith keeps me going, but religion could definitely strengthen that faith or weaken it. It really all depends on the person and the church.

    Thank you so much for sharing such a personal thing. I’m usually pretty closed off about my feelings on this.

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  25. Hi again, awesomesauciness here, and still not dead....if I listed every religion I’ve tried.....we’d be here ALL day, because old. I’m devoutly Christian and claim ZERO religion. It’s a man-made construct and has no place in my life. It would, but there’s all those people to deal with. And they invariably get in the way.

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  26. Thank you. Just... thank you. I’ve been gradually pulling away from the religion that I was raised in, (A belief system where speaking in tongues was seen as totally legit and not the weirdest shit ever), and it’s hard. It’s hard to turn my back on the ideas that used to give me comfort. It’s hard to listen to my father pray and not believe that anyone is listening to those prayers. When I realized that I no longer believe that I will one day see my deceased little sister in heaven it crushed me. It felt like losing her all over again, because it meant accepting that she’s gone for good. It all hurts so much, yet staying in the church would mean living a lie and I can’t do that anymore.

    Leaving the church is NOT the easy way out. I’ve alienated friends because I told them that I was doubting. They think I’m “straying from the path” because I haven’t “experienced God in a real way”. I’ve caused my mother endless worry because she thinks I’m going to hell.

    I haven’t read your blog in years, but I always enjoyed it back in the day. I’m so thrilled to come back today and read this post. I hope your life is amazing. Hugs to you from this former religious person.

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  27. This post is awesome. And your ability to express such complex sentiments in a caring way is one reason why I keep reading your blog. That and the perpetual hope I will find another post about messing with people on the internet. As a once devout Catholic who felt moved to be the first in the family to renounce the faith, I so agree that no religion corners the market on love and forgiveness. To each his own- but, please- let your choices make you, and the wold, a better place. :)

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    1. I, too, would love another messing with people.

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