Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Vomit

Skylar found vomit in our backyard.

Actually, Duncan found it first. We noticed that Duncan had taken an extreme interest in one corner next to a climbing rose bush. A big snowstorm had come through, dropping more than a foot of powder. Duncan spent a few days frantically digging through that snow at that spot for reasons that were unknown to us.

We kept wondering what was going on, assuming that maybe one of his toys was back there. Then I came home from work a few days ago to confrontation.

"Did you vomit in the backyard?"

He said it more like an accusation than a question. Like I was in trouble. And I immediately became defensive, so defensive in fact that I probably looked more guilty because of it.

Then I paused, reminding myself that if I vomited in the yard I wouldn't be ashamed of it, and I would have probably written about it on the internet by now, so to whatever extent Skylar was accusing me of something, the shame projection was misguided.

Skylar apologized, "but to be fair" he did remind me that I have a history of vomiting in the backyard. It happened last summer, in fact. Skylar had made lamb chops for dinner and I ate too much of them. I had taken Duncan outside to do his businesses when I suddenly started thinking about how barbaric it is that we rip meat off of bones with our teeth and the next thing I knew, I was projectile vomiting into our raspberry bush.

Relax. The harvest was already over for the year.

The raspberry bush became Duncan's favorite part of the yard for the next few months because, and I'm just gonna say, dogs are disgusting.

But this time it wasn't me. I reminded Skylar that when I threw up into the raspberry bush, I immediately ran into the house to tell him about it, so why would I keep this newest incident a secret?

As he acknowledged that I was probably right about this like I am about everything, he gasped, and said "Eli! This means someone broke into our backyard to vomit!"

I had to admit that that had to be one of the weirdest reasons for trespass, so weird in fact that I couldn't imagine that it could be true. I suggested that maybe it was an animal, but Skylar shot that down, telling me that "this is for sure human vomit. I know what human vomit looks like and this is human. vomit."

He seemed pretty confident and I wasn't interested in a detailed explanation so I moved on.

We finally settled on the vagrant being a college student. Over our back fence are college dorms. When I bought the place I was a little nervous that this neighbor situation could get annoying fast, but other than catching the occasional youttthhhh jumping over the wall to cut through my yard to get to and from school, we never hear a peep from those people.

A college student vomited, human vomit, in our yard.

To be honest, the whole thing is as exciting as it is disgusting. I went to BYU, so I never had the college drunken party experience. I sort of feel like I'm living an alternative life now. It makes me feel young again, and sort of in the mood to read a chemistry book and not understand it.

I am so going to go play hacky sack in the quad tomorrow afternoon.

My disgusting dog.

~It Just Gets Stranger

24 comments:

  1. I can smell vomit from a mile away. It is a superpower but also a curse.

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  2. Our disgusting dog picks up poop in her mouth and carries it around - sometimes back INTO the house . . . .

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    1. Ugh. My disgusting dog does this too. Especially when he's annoyed with me. If I work late I come home to poop on the living room rug. Not because he pooped there, mind you, but because he pooped outside and then carried it into my house.

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    2. How old is your dog? We keep hoping she'll grow out of it . . . .

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    3. He's two and a half. I was hoping he'd grow out of it, too, but no luck so far.

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  3. Amy Rose: I went to Purdue University, and I guess that means I had a “half” normal college experience. I went to bars as designated driver for all of my roommates’ 21 birthdays, and sometimes they talked me into going dancing at clubs, and a few times they even got me to frat parties (no comment). But they and their boyfriends were curiously protective of me and were very careful to not let their drinks get mixed up with mine, and helped keep weirdos from trying to dance with me. THAT SAID, I either have blocked the memory, or I truly never saw or had to deal with vomiting drunks. I am suddenly, 13 years after graduating from college, wondering if I missed out on something. But no, I have given my vomit dues to the universe in the form of children and a very old three legged dog, who vomits on the regular.

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    1. I have lived in a college town for more than half my life and I've never had drunk college students vomit in my yard, even when my house was adjacent to campus.

      However - I will admit that as a full grown adult I did vomit in someone else's yard . . . it's a long story and yes, it involved alcohol . . . .not that I know what that is.

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    2. I think the fact that you own a three legged dog is my favorite thing I know about you so far 😄

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    3. My dog is basically one of my favorite things about myself, too, Hilary! He’s just that cool. If you want an update on that fluffy ball of three legged fur, he threw up tonight while we were eating dinner. Thanks, dog. He goes tomorrow to get his teeth looked at, and hopefully he will start chewing better and I won’t have to be on constant vomit duty. And, because sometimes people want to know about his three legs, he had four when I got him, but then we learned he had a malignant nerve sheath tumor in his paw. He had the surgery in May, and he is doing really well - minus the teeth issues, I guess.

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  4. Skylar is almost a doctor so we have to trust his assessment of human vomit vs other animals.

    Also, I spent one semester working at campus safety my freshman year and most of the calls I took were drunken students wandering into the wrong room and peeing or vomiting in trashcans.

    It was enough to convince me to always lock my door.

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  5. Ironically I'm reading this sitting at home with my dog, who is sick and has been vomiting all day. And then she tried to eat it. God, they're disgusting creatures. Adorable, sweet, loving, disgusting creatures.

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  6. Nothing like a good vomit post to pull the readers in. Seriously, more vomit posts, we all do it, the stories make us feel better about it.

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    1. I accidentally logged into my wrong google account. I hate that google won't let me combine my blogger account and my gmail account. I had to use my official gmail account for something kind of professional and kind of secret, and I forgot to log out.

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    2. THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A MURDERER WOULD SAY

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    3. Well I do feel stabby from time to time, but I haven't murdered anyone...yet...

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    4. It took me A WHILE to realize what was happening here, Suzanne Hickmannnnnnnnnn. Between the murder talk here, and the creepy stalker rapist talk down below, this comment section took a real dark turn. Pass the popcorn!

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    5. Don't worry I'm back on my non-professional google account today. No murderers afoot (that I know of). Besides, my life is too pathetic to be a target for a murderer. They'd break into my house, take a look around and say "Oh my God she's already in hell, I can't possibly make this work" and quietly tiptoe out and close the door behind them.

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  7. OR...maybe The Perfects aren't so perfect....

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    1. Devin and I used to watch all those “true crime” shows, back in the old days when we owned a tv and hadn’t sold our souls to Netflix yet. And one thing I can tell you is the people who on paper look Perfect are ALWAYS the ones that have the weirdest, creepy skeletons in their closet. That’s why I try so hard to broadcast pretty openly all my flaws and imperfections, so that I won’t get murdered, or become a suspect in someone else’s case.

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  8. I am currently listening to the true crime podcast “criminology” and they are talking about the east area rapist and how he would prowl around people’s backyard and watch them through their windows before attacking them. Soooo basically that’s probably what is happening to you.

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    1. And just like that, I won’t be able to sleep tonight. My nine pound dog is not nearly fierce enough for me to feel secure with thoughts like that in my head! googling adoption options for a Doberman or German Shepherd...

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