I work at a pretty big law firm (for Utah). There are nearly 200 attorneys spread out over several different offices, plus lots of staff. What this means is there are a lot of people at my firm I don't know.
The vast majority of the people who work for my firm are quite Mormon, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't worry from time-to-time that being a big fat homo wasn't going to cause some drama at work at some point. Fortunately I made some exceptional friends very early on who have been terrific allies in waiting--promising me that if ever I was mistreated, heads would roll.
I've never had to put that to the test because people have been just lovely. There are a few exceptions to that, but none involving anyone whose opinion matters to me.
I have friends in the legal community who will, from time to time, ask me how uncomfortable it is for me, a big fat homo, to work at what is known to be a very conservative and religious firm. They are often surprised when I tell them how pleasant it is--how much I love and admire the people I work with.
No, I don't respect everyone in my firm, but that would be true in any office of this size. In fact, I think it's possible that I'm treated better at my quite Mormon firm than I would be at some place much less so, if for no other reason because the people I work with are aware of the outside perception so they are extra careful to make me feel welcome and loved.
When I first started coming out I was nervous about bringing my boyfriend as my date to firm functions. In fact, for a little while I would purposefully not bring him because I was worried about making the old guard uncomfortable or possibly putting myself in a position where I could be fired by people who didn't want to work with a big fat homo.
Then I had an experience a few years ago where I suddenly decided that I was going to live my life as honestly as I could and if that made people uncomfortable, that was their problem. So I brought the boyfriend to a firm summer party. This was prior to my dating Skylar, but the boyfriend kind of looked like him so when I next started dating Skylar and bringing him to firm functions nearly everyone thought there had been no change and I told Skylar to just go with it so I wouldn't look like a big fat homo who is also a big fat ho because there are some limits to my "living in honesty" motto.
Skylar has had to pretend for like 4 years that he played with this one woman's children at a firm picnic in 2015 because every time they see him they all run over to him and reminisce about what a great time they had that year. He's living a lie and there's no way out of it at this point.
We've thought about calling up the old boyfriend who is still a good friend of ours and having him go with me to a firm party to see if anyone notices that it's not Skylar.
Even though I'm completely out at my firm and have been for years, there are still people who don't know I'm gay because there are just so many people at the firm. I don't really know anything about those people's lives either so I totally get it.
Take, for example, one woman who found out I got married in September and so when I ran into her on the elevator she told me to "be careful" because she knows two other couples who got married in September and "they're already pregnant!"
I run into her about twice a week and every time I do she makes some weird pregnancy comment and I'm always like "still no baby!" and this is all going to be very awkward if she ever meets Skylar.
Also, every Christmas I make several batches of banana bread and take it around to a large handful of people at the office and several of them still ask me every year how I got my "wife" to do all that baking. The first time this happened I objected to the general insinuation that I was the kind of husband who would consider baking the "wife's job" and I gave him an earful about how in my house we don't divide chores up according to traditional and outdated beliefs on gender roles and it wasn't until several minutes later that I remembered I don't even have a wife.
A few years ago one older attorney tried to set me up with his niece. He called me and asked me to come to his office right then to meet her. She was already there, waiting, and I felt like it was very much not the time to come out to him. It couldn't hurt to just go say hello. So I walked down the hall and when I got there I discovered that his niece was a friend of mine who at the time was living in the same apartment complex as me. She knew I was gay. We had somehow never made the connection that I worked with her uncle.
Before I could say a word she held out her hand and said "I'm Liz, and I just found out my uncle invited me here because I'm looking for a man." I shook her hand and said "I'm Eli, and so am I."
Her uncle beamed, not catching the wording between us, and clearly pleased with himself since this setup seemed to be going quite well. There was a split second as she gazed into my eyes in sarcastic romance that I wondered if maybe I could marry her.
I wonder if Liz knows how to bake banana bread.
~It Just Gets Stranger
For you, is it hurtful, exhausting, humorous, or . . . to have so many assume straight until verified gay?
ReplyDeleteThat's a complicated question for me. I think if I'm trying to give a simple answer I would say I never anticipated or thought about the fact that "coming out" is something you have to do, constantly, for the rest of your life. I sort of naively thought when I first started coming out that I would have a bunch of conversations and then it would be over. Literally every time I meet a new person I have to think about whether I need to come out to them, and that is really not fun for me. I still catch myself trying to avoid saying something because I don't feel like having to go through the song and dance with someone I've just met at a party. So I'll hesitate before saying something like "my husband" because I don't know if I'm in the mood to deal with an awkward silence or an positive over-reaction or whatever it may be.
DeleteBut there are definitely some humorous things that come from this as well, which was the point of this post.
I would be very interested to hear others' thoughts on this.
(example: 3 days ago an attorney I work with but don't know well yet asked me my plans for the holidays. I told him I'm going to Palau. He asked who I was going with and I hesitated and didn't feel like telling him this was a late honeymoon or that I was going with my husband because I wasn't sure I was in the mood to come out to this *very Mormon and conservative* person right in the middle of a work meeting, so I just gave some vague response. Then I felt sad about it and ashamed of myself for the next couple hours. I assume no straight dude would ever even think to hesitate before saying "I'm going with my wife." And I'm jealous of that.)
DeleteWhat about saying you’re going with a friend? I am sure you and Sky like each other as well as love each other so you are friends. Easy answer as well as truthful.
DeleteThe constantly having to come out is so much more exhausting than straight people can understand. Even in places where you've already come out, new people flux in and out, and you either keep a mental checklist of who you've explicitly spoken to and who you haven't, or you let people play catchup on their own. Sometimes it's just easier to let people make their assumptions.
DeleteMy point is that calling him a "friend" feels like I'm not being truthful, even if we are friends. No straight married person would ever refer to their spouse as "friend" in that context. They would say "husband" or "wife." I get very tired of constantly playing that game. I have moments where I think, "I'm just going to call him husband and let the chips fall where they may." But then when a situation like the one I identified comes up it suddenly feels different.
DeleteThere should be nothing shameful in gauging the situation and analyzing whether you have the mental bandwidth to handle the discussion at the time, or whether it's worth the effort.
DeleteFrom the conservative side of the aisle, I would like to say that you should never have to worry about playing the game of worry if you say "husband" to any one. Who you love, does not change who you are or any of the wonderful qualities that make you, you. Whether its a conservative person, or a religious person, if they aren't stuck up their own ass (not that we know what an ass is), they will never take issue. And if they do, that's their problem, not yours. They can deal with the guilt of making someone feel bad for no reason other than their own insecurities and their own sick ways of finding pleasure from putting others down. You do you, and make no apologies for finding love and happiness in your life.
DeleteAs a straight person, I’ve never had to worry about what to call my husband. I never realized that was a privilege, so thank you. I agree that calling Skylar your friend would feel disingenuous. I mean, if I heard my husband had called me his “friend,” I’d be pissed and wondering who he was cheating on me with. It sucks that that’s not as straightforward for you. I am also one of those conservative Mormons, and I would definitely prefer to hear someone refer to their husband than their “friend” because that would me that the person I’m speaking to is feeling free to be themself.
DeleteAnyway, none of that was really helpful, but I just wanted to say thanks and I’m sorry.
So genuine question, what is the best way to refer to relationships without assuming straightness? In my job it's not unusual for me to have to refer to spouses with paperwork that may need to be completed. I try to avoid assuming the gender of someones spouse if they haven't told me, which is easy if it only comes up once or twice and I can just say I need your spouse's signature or something to that affect. But I sometimes have to refer to their spouse multiple times and it starts to seem strange and impersonal at a certain point to refer to another human as spouse over and over, and maybe that's just me and that is the best way to handle the situation, but I'd be interested in any other thoughts.
DeleteCan't you just ask what their spouse's first name is? I know it's not foolproof with so many gender ambiguous names nowadays, but it might at least give you a clue on the ones you can definitely tell. If you're dealing with paperwork it would make sense to get their first name anyway.
DeleteYou could always just be direct and ask "What is your husband or wife's name and preferred pronoun?" that way you remove and awkwardness of accidentally assuming incorrectly. My family owns a title insurance company and the vesting on many deeds they prepare often includes the vested parties relationship to each other om addition to their names so the company policy is to always just ask directly and it saves a lot of time and embarrassment down the road when say Chris & Sandy Smith should be wife and wife and not husband and wife.
DeleteSo your wording here: “boyfriend who looks a lot like Skylar” and with whom you are “still really good friends”. I mean, are you toying with us right now?! Is this a test? Or do you have more of these?! Eli... do you have a “type”?
ReplyDeleteThe post was not referring to Matt.
Delete... so, you admit to having a type?
DeleteOh!! But also... my husband is ABSOLUTELY the baker at my house, and every single time something baked comes out of my house people assume I made it. (And I mean, I do, sometimes.) but more often than not, I have to explain. No, my husband does most of the baking at our house. But then sometimes it does make me wonder: who am I? I’m all for my husband baking, but (can I be like really really honest?) what is my role here, if he does the baking/cooking better/more often than me? I mean, I don’t want him to stop, because he also does the dishes and the laundry and cleans the bathrooms, but sometimes I don’t know where I belong in this house. (Sincere, and also, not something I can ever complain to anyone about because what, wah wah wah my life is too easy?) ...do you all hate me now? Publish this comment as anonymous? So glad that’s a thing for when I don’t want people to know it’s me. Phew. No clues here at all, either.
ReplyDeleteThis is me! I don’t want to come off like I’m humble bragging and I’m certainly not ungrateful for all my husband does, so it’s not something I ever talk about with anyone, but I do feel like...what’s my place? What/how can I contribute? It’s not a competition and I know things won’t always be fair and everyone is happy with how things are because it works for us, but I still sometimes wonder where I really fit. So glad I’m not alone!
DeleteI realized a few years ago that this was the main reason I'm not really attracted to men who are better looking, better dressed, and better cooks than I am. If he's the ornamental and domestic one, what's my role in this relationship? As a feminist, I'm embarrassed to feel this way, but as a woman, I want to be prettier and more domestic than my man.
DeleteAn amusing coming out ancedote: my wife and I were honeymooning right after our wedding and before a hike had stopped at a Whole Foods for some snacks. We also wandered a bit through the store, and the Wife had to head to the restroom leaving me in the toiletries aisle by myself.
ReplyDeleteA helpful floor worker came up and asked "Can I help you?"
And I, panicked, responded: "No I'm just waiting for my... uh... FRIEND."
She'd been my wife for less than 48 hours and I disowned her to a stranger already. Ah the joys.
I love and hate this story so much.
DeleteMy husband is a teacher and for the first few years we were together he would refer to me as "Brenda" because he was not out at school. Then he and I both reached a point where we decided that the only way for people to feel like homosexuality is normal, was to normalize it and use phrases like, "My husband and I." As people got used to the fact they also started using the same nomenclature. Last year someone came up to me at work and said, "I hope you and your husband have a great holiday" and it felt really good.
ReplyDeleteHowever, we're lucky in that we are financially secure so if one of us lost our job we wouldn't be homeless a few days later. It is one thing to be brave when you have nothing to lose, it is another to be brave when you have everything to lose. So I've never judged anyone for their choice to be out or not.
I had a boyfriend named Nic very early on who I referred to as "Nicole" to some people at work. I felt really dumb when I finally just came out. Now I laugh about it.
DeleteIt's okay Eli - I always knew you were attracted to me ;)
DeleteI was raised Southern Baptist... Fun times...I did not raise my kids in the church. I'm glad.
ReplyDeleteBoth my kids (14 and 18) are part of the LGBT community. Therefore I am too ��.
Just this weekend my husband asked my oldest to give a straight answer to the question "Did you like ____?", Because it was just shoulder shrugs. The response was "I can't, I'm not straight enough"
The sass is strong with that one.
I can only hope they don't have to feel like they are continuing to have to come out.
Aren’t Matt and Skylar twinsies?
ReplyDeleteI felt a little bit like this being a Mormon in San Francisco. I know it isn't at all as intense as your situation, but being a Mormon in San Francisco also has risks of backlash and mean comments and losing friends (I was literally never invited out to coworker happy hours), but luckily not the risk of being fired. I wondered a lot if I should "come out" and say I'm mormon and that's why i'm not drinking coffee, as a nurse, on night shift? Or do I just let them make assumptions. Or lie and say I just don't like it. I know its not the same, but hiding something that is important to you sucks. And having to have the same annoying/awkward/offensive conversations over and over again also sucks.
ReplyDeleteI told a new friend yesterday I was a member. She asked me if I was joking.
DeleteSoooooo, how many of your coworkers do you think have stumbled across Stranger??
ReplyDeletePlenty.
DeleteI began to recognize my assumptions about every couple being a heterosexual couple many, many years ago but struggles to overcome my tendency to revert to this thinking when meeting new couples. I knew it was wrong to assume the person was hetero - but mental programing is hard to undo!
ReplyDeleteI had the fortune of hiring someone about 5 years ago who referred to her boyfriend as her partner. When she did so - I assumed that she was talking about a girlfriend because I'd never heard a heterosexual person refer to someone as their partner. I was genuinely surprised when I met him that he was male! AND then proceeded to mentally beat myself up for making the assumption that he wasn't because of her word choice.
However, this experience did the most for me in terms of adjusting my mental programming and my own word choice. I have gradually replaced the phrasing of boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife with partner. Some people look at me strangely but when I don't clarify they eventually catch on what I'm asking and answer. I'm hoping that it makes those around me who are not heterosexual more comfortable in talking about their partners as well.
You two had very different upbringings. Do you think Skylar hesitates to come out to some rando like you do? For whatever reason.
ReplyDelete