Sunday, September 29, 2013

Skin Cancer

On Saturday I called Bob and Cathie, who always seem to answer every phone call together and on speaker phone.

Cathie: Hello, so--

Eli: I HAVE CANCER!

Cathie: I'm sorry. You have the wrong number.

Eli: MOM! THIS IS SERIOUS! SKIN CANCER! I HAVE IT! I'M SO YOUNG!

Bob: Where is your "skin cancer?"

Eli: First of all, father, I can tell you used finger quotes when you said "skin cancer" and I very much resent that.

Cathie: It's not that we don't care about you. It's that we don't trust you.

Eli: I have done absolutely NOTHING to violate your trust!

Bob: Remember when you had "leukemia" for five years?

Eli: As a matter of fact, I do! And I also remember how my family didn't even want to celebrate with me when I beat it on my own and without any special treatments.

Bob: We feel confident you can overcome "skin cancer" the same way. Wherever it is.

Eli: It's on my arm. There's a spot the size of a dime and it looks EXACTLY like all of the pictures of skin cancer on the Internets.

Cathie: Son. Everything on the Internet looks familiar when you're trying to identify diseases.

Bob: It sounds like a fungus.

Eli: I haven't even told you what it looks like yet.

Cathie: Yes. Definitely a fungus.

Bob: You probably got it at some bathhouse in China.

Cathie: Or Korea.

Bob: You probably have fungus all over your body.

Cathie: I wouldn't be surprised. Your personal hygiene has never been one of your strengths. We have some cream. Come over tomorrow and we'll put some cream on it.

Eli: Is nobody else concerned about the cancer?

Bob & Cathie in Unison: YOU DON'T HAVE CANCER.

Eli: But--

Bob & Cathie in Unison: NO.

A little later I got a text from Cathie.



She was referring to this, of course:


I swear. If that cat gave me cancer . . .

~It Just Gets Stranger

33 comments:

  1. Ewwww, gross. Ringworm. I heard a song about that once.... "I'm sorry to tell you that....you got....RINGWORM...."

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    1. Have a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oR_QfhkoOCA

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  2. How dare you blame your diseases on the feline community!

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  3. Hahahahahaha!!! This! Hahahaha!!!

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  4. O MY GOLLY!!!! the look on your face here is priceless - guaranteed to keep me giggling all day - thanks

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  5. I wish me real cancer was only ring worm.
    ...Kristen K.

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  6. Hahaha!

    But seriously, get your spot checked out! Can't hurt, right? We strangers worry about you!

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  7. I love cats. They did not give you cancer. By the way, I hope you really don't have cancer.

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  8. I actually have gotten ringworm from my cat. She was adopted, so apparently she came from a dirty place! Luckily we're both clear of ringworm for 2 years now. Btw, it's nothing like cancer.

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  9. Don't worry, Eli - I have beaten ringworm. It took me an entire summer once, but I survived. On my own, without the support of my family. You can do this!

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  10. Ring around the wormy, - Oh, sorry Eli. Look on the bright side, at least ringworm is not an actual worm! You will overcome.

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  11. I love that Cathie writes ellipses as "dot dot dot."

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  12. That...looks like MY CAT

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    1. I believe you meant "That dot dot dot looks like MY CAT".

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    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    3. That cat looks like both of my boys!

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  13. My cat, Bugsy the Insane, is the self-appointed spokescat for all of feline-dom and he says that cats do not transmit ringworm, or any other type of worm, to humans, other cats, or any creature save the occasional dog...and only then if said dog really, really deserves it.

    There, straight from the cat's mouth. Relax, Eli, it's not ringworm.

    It's probably just cancer.

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    1. Cats actually can spread different types of worms and other diseases to people and other animals. Do yourself a favor and look up toxoplasmosis...

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    2. Eli! Do not--I repeat DO NOT--look up toxoplasmosis! It's worse than cancer! It's a zombie like parasite that eats your brains and scientists are starting to blame cases of schizophrenia and dementia on it! See? I warned you! Don't look it up!

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    3. I'm sorry, Confessions, but Bugsy, the Insane is after all the self-appointed spokescat for all of feline-dom...

      What? You want me to capitalize your title? Sigh...Very well...

      The Self-Appointed Spokescat of All Feline-dom, Bugsy, the Insane

      Is that better? Good.

      Anyway, where was I...oh yes, toxoplasmosis...Bugsy says it's that nasty pork we humans insist on eating that causes it, not he nor his feline friends.

      Personally, I think you are correct Confessions, but Bugsy can be stubborn about some things.

      He is insane, after all.

      I apologize for him.

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  14. cancer is a serious subject, not to make light of dot dot dot just saying

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    Replies
    1. She was "dot dot dot" -ing the Chlamydia. Not that it would have been inappropriate to do so for the cancer.

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  15. This post made me laugh so hard I had to shut my office door.

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  16. I don't want to alarm you, but in cats syphillis is airborne. I hope you didn't breathe in too vigorously while holding that feline...

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  17. More Bob and Cathie, please.

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  18. Hope your cat cancer works out. Maybe if you hold a stray dog you'll get stray dog cancer cells to fight the cat cancer cells and it'll all work out?

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  19. What ever it is... Put some Tea Tree Oil on it... It will go away..... lol

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  20. I think it's funny how many of us Strangers are cat owners...

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  21. I got ringworm when I was in junior high, and I had skin cancer when I was 19. I touched cat once when I was little. There must be a connection.

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  22. Sorry your usually funny but this doesn't sit well with me. Skin cancer is kind of serious. Had a close family member almost die from it. Not cool.

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