Sunday, October 27, 2013

Anger

I've been angry with someone for a little while. I don't get angry all that often. It's just not really my thing. Frustrated? Yes. Flabbergasted? Most days more than once. Annoyed? At least every time I see an ad for Glee. But truly angry? Not often.

Someone I know well and was close to did some pretty terrible things to me not long ago. Some of the worst things anyone has ever done to me. And when it first happened I became sad. I felt weak. I didn't know how to process what I was feeling because what I was feeling was unprecedented for me. This may have caused me to act a little crazy. Not a lot crazy. But a little.

I will forever give people the benefit of the doubt when they act a little uncharacteristically crazy from now on. Because I'll wonder if they've just experienced unprecedented pain. And I'll guess that they are on the rocky road of figuring out how to process that pain. A journey that may cause a few missteps, here and there.


After some of the sadness got old and the stubborn and empowered part of me began to take over, the weakened state turned to anger. And I suddenly felt myself expending a great amount of energy suppressing that anger and my urges to let it fuel unproductive behavior.

I've been almost completely successful at this. While feeling the "low road" boil within me, I've mostly traversed the high one, seemingly moving on and healing.

Some of that suppression is the product of adulthood and maturity. So I guess that's something to celebrate. Because if this had all happened 15 years ago, I totally would have written with lipstick on the bathroom mirror at school terrible things about the person who caused the pain. Instead I'm writing vague references to their indiscretions on a personal blog read by thousands. But I'm using words like "empowered" and "indiscretions" so that it seems like what I'm doing isn't immature.

Adulthood: Acting like a teenager, but with a better vocabulary.

The reason I'm mentioning all of this is actually because this whole experience is constantly teaching me some things about myself and about the importance of perspective. Throughout all of this, I have known very well that anger doesn't look good on me. And it doesn't feel good either. Anger eats away at your soul. It's a powerful feeling and one that makes it difficult, if not impossible, to feel anything else. It's hard to love someone when you constantly feel anger toward someone else. It's overwhelming to care about a person's problems when you are enraged by another person's misdeeds.

It sucks to live in anger.

But what's more, anger is blinder. It keeps you from seeing things accurately. It keeps you from seeing things in a way that could help you overcome the anger. That's the dark irony of the emotion. Those who are angry have to make a conscious effort to set it aside if they are to have any chance of internalizing the circumstances that caused the anger, internalizing them enough to eliminate the motivation to feel rage.

Last week the emotion reared its ugly head for me, more than it ever has. I was faced with the memory of some excruciating pain that I was all too happy to run away from the moment I had the chance to do so a few months ago. And in that syndicated return of feelings and memories and circumstances that I was so relieved to leave, I felt the anger begin to turn into something more powerful than itself: hate.

I don't hate people. I don't like hating people. I don't want to hate people.

But if I'm being honest with myself, I have to admit that that's what I started to feel last week.

Over the next few days I relaxed a bit. And then I saw something that had a profound effect on me. It was small and sort of seemed insignificant.

A family was going up an escalator at the mall. A mother, a father, and three small children. A little girl, no older than four, was standing next to her older brother who got a little too rowdy and pushed her down. She hit her leg on the sharp edge of the escalator stair, dropped to her hands and knees and began screaming and sobbing.

I can't handle seeing little girls cry. It melts my heart. No matter the reason for it. Put a crying little girl in front of me and I will give you whatever you want as long as you tell me it will make her feel better.

I felt myself wanting to rush up there and comfort her. But I'm a strange 29-year-old man with ringworm and a foot disease so I recognized that this wouldn't have been appropriate.

Her dad picked her up and the brother immediately began crying, tugging on her foot, and saying, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for you to feel hurt."

I pretended to be occupied by a window display at the top of the escalator because I was now invested in these people and was curious to see how it would play out.

When the father put the little girl back down and she had mostly stopped crying, I heard her say back to her brother, "it's ok. I'm sorry, too."

I wanted to run over there and be all, "uh-uh, honey! He pushed YOU! You have nothing to be sorry for!"

But, again, the ringworm and foot disease.

I couldn't get that experience out of my mind for the rest of the day. And I kept wondering how often I forsake the opportunity to recognize that "it's ok. I'm sorry, too," because I'm too preoccupied with the anger associated with "uh-uh, honey! He pushed YOU!"

And sure enough, as I thought about this particular situation that I've experienced in recent months, I found myself able to identify all of the reasons I had to be sorry, too. And there was something healing about this that caused a lot of the anger to dissipate.

That's not to say that what happened to me was justified. It was not. That's not to say that what happened to me wasn't painful. It was. And that's not to say I should roll over and let it happen again. I won't.

The point is, I can't control whether other people are prepared to recognize and seek penance for their mistakes. But I can control whether I'm ready to do the same for mine. And if I take that opportunity, other people's actions and thoughts become more and more irrelevant. And my negative feelings about them go away.

I can see clearly now how I am responsible for some of my own pain. I can finally move on from that because I'm prepared to let myself mourn the hurt that I contributed to the circumstances that led to my heartache. And I can finally let go of how I was wronged and suffer remorse for how I was wrong.

We grow from tending to our weaknesses. We shrink from denying that they exist. And we wilt from focusing on how the weaknesses of others hurt us.

I don't have all of this figured out. But I took a thousand baby steps this week. And I'm proud of that. Let's all have some cheesecake.

~It Just Gets Stranger

51 comments:

  1. You have some Brene Brown in you, which makes the world go 'round more smoothly. There is a healing book (assuming you are into these kinds of books-- and no, it's not from the Twilight series....) called "Forgive for Good" that helped me a lot. Thanks for posting this. You are a very well-rounded and courageous person because you are honest. Of course you don't know any of us, but that makes it all the better!
    Pain sometimes makes it easy to do stupid and hurtful things. Like you said, I am sure the person that hurt you is well-rounded and was responding to his/her own pain when he/she did the thing that hurt you. Gosh.... it is hard to write stuff when it isn't gender specific!

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    1. I needed this today more than a Laugh today Eli, Thank you :)

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  2. cheesecake fixes everything! i'm a firm believer in that. and go you! it's hard to let that kind of anger go, but it feels so good when you do :) thanks for sharing!

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  3. Thank you for sharing this. I've been feeling a lot of anger toward someone recently, and it helps to be reminded that as much as I wish they would realize how awful they were and at least try to make things right... that's not something I can control, and dwelling on it will only cause more hurt. The only thing I do have control over is how I handle it. I can focus on learning from and making up for my own mistakes, instead of just wishing that the person I've been angry at would own up to theirs. I need to stop being angry. I still have plenty of things to figure out, and numerous baby steps to take, and this post has been very helpful. I wish you lots of cheesecake, and feelings of peace and relief as you move forward. Thanks again.

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  4. your blog is so perfect...humor and life philosophy.... I wish you the best, Eli.

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  5. Thank you for writing and sharing this. I'm sure it wasn't easy, but it's something I needed to hear. So thank you.

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  6. I have yet to comment on this here blog, but this post is the "cherry on top" to a lesson The Lord would have me learn today regarding experiences over the last few weeks I've had with people and their dark sides. So I feel obligated to say: Thank you for being a tool in His hands and conveying such a sweet lesson in healing and moving forward. Props yo.

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  7. Since you recognize that the other person may have had other things going on, AND you recognize "your part" in the incident, then there are a couple of choices you can make TODAY to help you eliminate the rest of the anger you feel. First, ask yourself, HONESTLY, if you believe that the actions of the other person were INTENTIONALLY malicious. Second, ask yourself whether the other person can RECTIFY the situation (whether or not he/she "owns up" to the act). If the answers are "no" and "yes" (in that order), then proceed to: Third, TELL the other person how what they did hurt you and ASK him/her to correct it. FINALLY, no matter what any of the answers are, no matter if the other person says "sorry" (whether sincere or not), just decide to FORGIVE him/her.

    If you tell the other person that you're angry, you're not giving up any power. But if you DON'T tell the other person AND you harbor that anger, then you ARE giving up ALL of your power. If you forgive those that hurt you, whether they express any remorse or not, you are freeing yourself to live in peace. It's not about controlling others. We ALL have free will. And since you generally live in a place of "giving the benefit of the doubt" then you have (probably) already begun these steps, and you're already healing. Posting about it is a definite sign that you are maturing, Eli.

    And by the way, is that COCONUT I smell in your hair? Beautiful!

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  8. "It's ok. I'm sorry too."
    Wow. That perspective is profound... I can't get over it. Thanks for sharing, Eli.
    --s

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  9. I've seen the same behavior with my children. They seek comfort from the people that hurt them and are quick to forgive and often hurt as deeply when they cause hurt to others. Would it be a bad thing to be as little children?

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  10. You can't change someone's actions, but you can change your reactions.

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  11. I've come to realize that when someone wrongs you, you can absolutely be angry at them...for a little while. As you write so eloquently, however, once that anger turns into something that traps you, it's time to forgive. The relief you feel from forgiving someone for being a douche is the relief of letting go. When that happens to me, I actually feel a physical sense of relief because my chest, which tightens up from being angry or upset, relaxes. It's a good feeling, and a hard-earned one.

    Also, I could have saved thousands of dollars on therapy if I'd read your post years ago. Keep 'em coming! Cheesecake for all (which would be an excellent political platform, by the way)

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    1. But how do you forgive them? In your heart or do you go up to them and say "I forgive you". Cause if I did the latter I could seriously see someone saying "forgive me for what? I didn't do anything to you!"

      I'm going through some stuff myself and I'm trying to let things go. I'm trying to forgive but it still dwells on my mind, and I start taking what they said to heart. It's very hard.

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    2. In your heart, it comes down to moving out of the hurt and anger, and moving into a kind of understandiing, where you can set the emotion aside and evaluate the relationship: does this person make your life better, even if they've hurt you? It takes time, and talking to people who know you really well, to see the person who hurt you for all of who they are, good and bad, before you can make that decision. Sometimes you keep the person in your life, because, yeah, they hurt you, but they love you too, and that love does make your life better. So if it's a relationship worth preserving, talk to them. If you don't sense that love, or if your mental state is such that this relationship is going to poison your life, then, yeah...you need to think about what you've gained from the relationship, and then move on. In either case, you're not accusing or throwing blame: you're just trying to figure out what this relationship means to you, and how it fits in your life: past, present, and future. That's how I view what forgiveness means...you've stopped blaming. I know that's not how it works for everyone, but that's how I do it. The older I get, and the more troubles I encounter, the easier it is to forgive: life is short, and it gets easier to figure out what, and who, matters.

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    3. Yeah, it's more with people I work with then my family or friends. But I can see how it somewhat works the same way. Thanks man.

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  12. Well said, Eli. As you work through the process, you may find yourself needing more than one piece of cheesecake. Letting go of anger and choosing forgivness is a journey, not an event or destination. Sometimes you have to choose it over and over and over again. Not easy. Just worth it.

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  13. Eli, this is the first time I'm writing a comment on your blog, even though I've been reading it for months. Usually your blog makes me laugh, a lot, but this one about anger made me cry, a lot. I have struggled with anger my whole life. Truth is, I haven't felt a lot of love in my life until about 4 years ago. I actually grew up Mormon, but stopped going to the Church when I was a teenager. I became pregnant, and wasn't met with a lot of love from within the Mormon church. I started going to Church again about 4 years ago, a Christian one, and some of the anger left when God entered my life again. But some has remained, its always there isn't it? ANYWAY, my point is it that this blog helped me see it differently. I'm not saying that i'm "cured" of all anger, but it has certainly helped! I work with the Youth in my church, and I hope you don't mind, but I printed this off to share with them :) I don't even know if you read all the comments left, but I hope you read this. Thank you for your wise words today, I hope to keep them with me.

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  14. A perfectly well-timed post covering almost the exact things I've been thinking about myself for the past week. Thanks for your thoughts, Eli.

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  15. Keep writing stuff like this please. I'm 40 and I still am having a hard time letting things go and putting my mind at piece. This helped a little. Thanks.

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  16. I've taught my children to say, "It's not okay but I forgive you. " I feel like it empowers them to acknowledge that what ever happened to them was not right but that they can choose to forgive for their own sakes. I find myself thinking and sometimes saying it aloud myself.

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  17. "We grow from tending to our weaknesses. We shrink from denying that they exist." I needed to hear this. I've gotten really good at blocking out my weaknesses by ignoring they exist because it's easier than working through them. Thanks for the motivation, Eli.

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  18. Eli, I adore all your funny posts and lap them up. But I respect you and your writing because of posts like this. I have had my "summer of anger" this year and am having a hard time letting go and accepting the reality of my part in all of this. Like you said, what was done to me was not justified and I am not going to roll over, but I do know I have to recognize my part in all of it. If I don't do that, I can't learn from this. If I can't learn from this, it could happen to me again and I never want this to happen to me again. Facing up to all of it is very hard and as the youngsters say "sucks." But I am working on it and your post today is very important to me. Thanks.

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  19. I'm going through a bit of a rough patch myself; overall my life is good (great, even), and I've had some good moments of clarity in the recent path. And as much as the question seems to be counterproductive, I can't seem to stop myself from asking "why?" I'm a well-adjusted adult who can handle responsibility, and I'm more than willing to take responsibility for my actions or misdeeds; it helps a person to grow. But still that question slaps me across the face almost daily: Why are these people, who have been such a big part of my life, treating me this way? What have I done to warrant this behavior?" So I've pondered these questions, and a few more, and I've come to realize that it really wasn't me. I'm not sure why they're treating me badly and ignoring my existence, and maybe it doesn't matter why. The fact is, this situation is what it is, and I can either learn from it and try to become a better person, or I can let it eat me.

    I'm like you in that I don't hate anyone, even the few people in my lifetime who have been horrible to me. My anger is fast and furious; I feel the anger (really, really feel it) for an extremely intense 20-30 minutes, and then it's over. I'd rather be friends than enemies and if someone wants to be the enemy, I cut them out of my life. It helps me be more mentally and spiritually healthy.

    As for the little girl who apologized to her brother: I kinda think that's rad. I know that maybe it seems weak and wrong to apologize to the one who hurt you, but that kid was her brother; he was in tears over what he had done to her. He's going to be in her life for a long, long time, and that whole situation definitely could have played out a whole lot worse.

    Thanks for the thoughtful post, Eli.

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  20. Someone much smarter than me said it well - "...remaining angry is letting someone live in your head rent free..." or words to that effect.

    You're right, you can't control the world's douchebags. You can, however, choose not to join their ranks.

    You can also choose to let go, let God, live on.

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  21. They're cancelling Glee. That should make all your days better!

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    1. WHAT?! This is the first I've heard of this! Things are right with the world!

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    2. It's ending after next season. There is hope for the world!

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    3. Best.news.ever. I really disliked that show.

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  22. Thank you for sharing this post, Eli. You've given me some things to think about.

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  23. Of course I agree with you. I think most people can relate to situations of extreme anger. I wonder if you know of anyone that has ever felt that way about you. I believe you if you say you were treated unfairly. But I have a huge problem with people victimizing themselves. It's my biggest pet peeve! (Unless you have a very valid reason to feel like a victim) So I wonder if anyone has ever confronted you because they felt you hurt or offended them in any way and how you dealt with that (if you even care to share). I ask because recently I decided to end a friendship due to trust issues and lack of sincerity but I could have confronted her in a much nicer way. I found myself pondering for months about how I treat others and what kind of a friend I am. I came to the conclusion that I'm sure I could have treated some people better, including my own family sometimes. Some things aren't justifiable but knowing my imperfections has helped me get over certain people/situations and, the hardest part, being able to truly wish them the best. The very wise wife of my stake counselor said "the atonement works for everyone, even those who have hurt you." Weeks later, as my former friend was bearing her testimony just before she got married and moved away, she quoted those same words looking directly at me. I knew, even though I had apologized to her just like the little girl in your story, that she felt the same way about me as I did about her before.

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    1. Such a great question. And I wonder if my point didn't come across as clearly as I meant it to. One of the biggest things I'm learning (again) right now is how important it is for us to NOT be the perpetual victim and to be willing to recognize the errors we've made too. I don't think it's totally possible to forgive someone for their misdeeds if we are unwilling to be honest about our own. Anger is a blinder in that it keeps us from recognizing how we have hurt other people. Recently I've been able to take a step back and see what I've done to contribute to hurtful behavior and it's been eye-opening. It doesn't excuse anything, but it does help explain it. And explanations help us move past what troubles us.

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  24. "Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." - Mark Twain

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  25. *slow clap* Amen! It is a hard thing to learn and even harder to implement, but so worth it.

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  26. Love this post. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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  27. Mmm... cheesecake. Don't mind if I do. I came across a quote once, that in some aspects is super frustrating, but in most aspects is truth. It's something like: "Resentment is like drinking poison hoping the other person (whom you're resenting) will die." Or in the immortal words of Don Henley, "You keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside." Don thinks it's about forgiveness. Either way, being angry with someone else only affects you negatively, which is one of the most frustrating things ever. So Don's probably right. And sometimes it helps to think you're not forgiving the person for them, but for yourself, because you don't want to be drinking poison anymore.

    Hopefully you'll be able to get to a better place in regards to that person. I've had similar experiences myself and I know it isn't easy, but good for you for sharing the experience to remind us all about how anger can affect us negatively.

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  28. I cannot get this post out of my mind today. I needed to hear this. It sounds like a lot of people did. Thank you for posting it. I've already sent it around to a bunch of friends.

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  29. My first reaction to this post is to wonder what happened?? Then I feel really nosy. I'm sorry for being shallow. I feel like I am not worthy of being your reader. You deserve readers who are deep and introspective. You deserve the best! In real life and online!

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    1. don't worry. I have the same reaction when people leave dramatic comments. Then my mind trails back to Paul Simon eating cheesecake and complementing my hair.

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    2. complimenting, not complementing ;)

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    3. I'm going to blame this one on my phone, Emelle. Although I could make a pretty good argument for how Paul Simon complements my hair.

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    4. Aww thanks for making me feel better Eli! I bet Paul Simon complements your hair wonderfully.

      - Anonymous shallow person

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  30. Thank you. That's beautifully written, and definitely something to always remember. Whether someone has intentionally or unintentionally caused harm, and regardless of the status of being the victim--primary, secondary, or tertiary, it can be incredibly painful and difficult to overcome. But ultimately we are only harming ourselves.

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  31. I loved this post. Thank you for your transparency. Just yesterday, in a discussion in a Bible study, the topic of resentment came up. Since resentment is a close cousin to anger, I thought I'd share this quote that someone shared: "Living with resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Unmerited mercy and grace is the essence of forgiveness, and is at least as much a gift to yourself as it is to the person you forgive. Grace and peace to you, Eli.

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  32. Dang it. Eli gotta get all grown up and mature on me.

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  33. http://mestumblingme.tumblr.com/post/43490504751/right-so-i-said-its-okay-we-can-just-be-really
    http://mestumblingme.tumblr.com/post/42671229350/my-feet-arent-cold-like-they-used-to-be-i-can-see
    And then there was anger. Blinding anger. And I try get over it all, But it's like a cycle, the feelings; sometimes less intense, sometimes intense just like how it first hit me. So I pray and I wait.

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  34. Someone once told me that holding onto anger and not forgiving someone so that you can move on is like drinking poison yourself and hoping the other person dies... I've been there Eli.

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  35. Wish I could click "like" on this post of yours. Seems appropriate since I first came across you and your blog via Facebook. =) I am slowly and irrevocably becoming a fan! Nice to discover kindred spirits still exist once in a while. And crazy too that this type of situation is so universal, made evident by all the other comments I've seen. Hang in there, Eli. Obviously this boat is pretty crowded. =)

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  36. "The point is, I can't control whether other people are prepared to recognize and seek penance for their mistakes. But I can control whether I'm ready to do the same for mine. And if I take that opportunity, other people's actions and thoughts become more and more irrelevant. And my negative feelings about them go away."
    This was gold. Extremely insightful, well done. Also, Glee is awesome. I realize that you don't understand that, but it's okay, Eli. Everyone makes mistakes.

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  37. I'm left wondering how many sticks of lipstick you went thru before you said, "Screw this... I'll just write this in my blog, instead!"?

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  38. It took me almost a year to work through the anger and resentment and hurt and sadness and overwhelming pain but I have finally come full circle and am now, more often than not, being a grown up. I nearly cried after reading about the little girl, I wish I could have that attitude sometimes, I sure need it! I have, however, noticed that same attitude in my daughter and am so happy about it. Thank you for sharing your good bits as well as the bad, it really is a help to us!

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