Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Hot Yoga

I have the very good fortune of working with my very good friend Annie, with whom I went to law school. Our offices are right next to each other and she is the person I go to 100 million times every day with a look on my face that communicates "someone just asked me to do something and I think they were speaking Hebrew!" Then Annie sits me down, talks it out with me, and helps me understand what the heck I'm doing. Also during that conversation she makes a quiche and solves the conflict in the Middle East. Because she is the most efficient human being who has ever lived.

Annie has been trying to get me to go try Bikram Yoga (aka "hot" Yoga) for a few weeks. She goes every Saturday and has assured me that it's a wonderful experience. I kept telling her I wasn't that interested because I've been to Yoga classes before and it's just not really my thing. Finally on Friday Annie explained, "it's weird. You'll like it. Because it's weird."

I'm not really sure what this says about me, but that was a compelling enough argument and the next morning I walked right into a Bikram Yoga studio.


It was a 90 minute class and, because it was my first time, the lady who checked me in gave me a little pep talk before we started. She told me it would be 104 degrees in the room with 40% humidity (and 20% chance of rain), that I would have a fight or flight urge, and that I just needed to do my best to stay there and survive. And I was like, "honey, where were you when I was moving to Palau?"

I stripped all of my clothes off, with the exception of some short running shorts, and wandered in. I wandered into THE JAWS OF HELL.

You guys. There is a difference between 104 degrees outside and 104 degrees inside. That difference is a lack of air flow and happiness.

Immediately I dropped to the floor next to where Annie was silently meditating as though she was enjoying a pleasant day at the beach. Annie is a superhuman and I should have taken this into account when she informed me that it wasn't that hard and that I would be totally fine. She had a baby in 2013 and somehow still had a six pack the entire time and within 30 seconds of giving birth she was already competing in all of the Olympic Games.

What? There weren't any Olympic Games in 2013? WELL THAT'S HOW SUPERHUMAN ANNIE IS.

By the time class actually started, I was soaking in a pool of my own sweat, flat on my back, in what felt like a muggy cocoon.

There were 50 people in the class and the instructor made sure to give me special attention several times because I was the new guy.

And look. I love attention. If I could afford it, I would hire a swarm of people to follow me around all day and pay attention to me. One of those people would be Paul Simon. He would sing to me all of his songs but would change words to "Eli" as appropriate. And I would be all, "oh my gosh! You wrote this song about me!?" every time I heard my name. And Paul Simon would be all, "who else would I write my music about?" And then I would swallow some of his hair.

But in Bikram Yoga, where I already felt self-conscious and out of place and DISGUSTING, I was really not looking for any attention. So I didn't appreciate the instructor calling out, "NOT LIKE THAT, ELI" and "PLEASE PAY ATTENTION, ELI" and "YOU'R NOT SUPPOSED TO BE NAKED FOR THIS PART, ELI. OR ANY PART, FOR THAT MATTER."

Do you guys have any idea how long 90 minutes is when you are standing in the shape of a pretzel and it's 104 degrees?

The only way I can get the point across is by telling you that it is exactly the length of one and a half episodes of Glee. OF GLEE!!!

Eventually the individual pools of sweat started overtaking one another and the room began to fill up with water like that part on the Titanic when Jack is all "chop off my handcuffs with that hatchet!" and Rose is all "paint me naked!" and Jack is all "never let go!" Then she lets him sink into the icy water and forgets all about him and Celine Dion sings about it. I haven't seen Titanic in a while, but you know what I'm talking about.

When the class ended and the instructor swam through the room to open the door, all of the water came pouring out into the front room with each of us in it. You guys. I cannot possibly overstate how much I was sweating. It was raining off of my body. RAINING.

I kept almost fainting from dehydration. But my motivation for maintaining consciousness came from the horror of the thought that I might fall over onto another person. And I didn't want that to happen because GROSS.

I went into the locker room to shower and I was really confused about which parts of the locker room were acceptable for full nudity and which were more like quasi-lobbies where you were just supposed to leave your stuff and NOT be naked. So naturally I just treated them all like a brothel and I wandered the place without clothes. But then when were leaving and putting our shoes on out in the actual lobby I noticed that I could see into the quasi-lobby part of the locker room from the front desk. And I was like, "well. I guess I wasn't really planning on coming back anyway."

~It Just Gets Stranger

21 comments:

  1. Go back! It gets better...I promise! Did you feel great afterwards??

    Love your stories Eli!

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  2. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Just . . . HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

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  3. My first thought when I saw the description on FB was, oh now, did he get naked again?! and then I saw the title and thought, yep. He def got naked again!

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  4. Ugh, someone tricked me into doing that once. I did not feel great afterwards; I felt nauseous and dizzy. NEVER AGAIN. And I didn't even accidentally walk around naked! (Though let's be honest, was it really accidental, Eli??)

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  5. It's not something I would usually recommend, but I think that becoming a never nude in your situation is a good idea.

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    1. ^THIS is why Stranger is such a beautiful place. I have an ulcer and I laughed so hard I started crying from pain and hilarity... Maybe I need to take a break... :')

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  6. Eli, thank you so much for sacrificing your dignity not just once, but twice (in this instance). Without your thorough explanation I may have considered trying hot yoga, but now thanks to you I know that I will never have to subject myself to breathing in other hippie people’s sweat. Thanks for being the guinea pig and reporting your findings…..

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  7. Thank you for letting me know. I was tempted before to give this a go, now never. I do not enjoy bathing in my own sweat.

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  8. At the yoga studio I go to sometimes, there is a men's naked hot yoga class. Sounds like it might be right up your alley, Eli - at least then, there would be no confusion about whether you were supposed to be naked or not.

    Right now I take an early morning yoga class at the Y, with a bunch of old ladies. It is basically the greatest. I love yoga, but I do not love hot yoga. I tried it few times, and it didn't get any better. I don't like heat, and I don't like sweating - aside from the yoga part, there is really nothing for me to like about hot yoga. Glad to see I'm not the only one.

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  9. Yay! Hot yoga is like banya with some crazy moves! And more clothed, so not as amazing as banya, obviously, but still pretty awesome.

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  10. 104 degrees and 40% humidity is nothing. we survive that every August here in Arizona. It's the Yoga part that would do me in.

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  11. I haven't laughed this much in a while, you are hilarious. And a great writer

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  12. For another entertaining take on hot yoga, check this out: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-3153/Hilarious-Yoga-Mat-for-Sale-Ad-on-Craigslist.html

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    1. Yes! I was about to post this. Thanks to that man and Eli, I'll never try hot yoga. Never ever.

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    2. OMG...that was totally hilarious. Thanks for posting that link. I was almost in tears from laughing so hard.

      ...oh...yours was good too Eli. ;)

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  13. I want to try this hot yoga stuff.

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  14. Um, yeah.... try 104 degrees and 80% humidity and that is every single freaking day ever in Gulfport MS... But congrats on trying it! Most people wouldn't even do that. Great hair today, btw. I'm sure Paul Simon Really loves it!

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  15. Bahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    You have the strangest adventures. And the funniest naked stories.

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  16. This helps a lot to know just what to do and what not to do!!
    hot yoga mat

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  17. Eli - Have you ever read this (see below)? Though you'd get a kick out of it!

    http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-3153/Hilarious-Yoga-Mat-for-Sale-Ad-on-Craigslist.html

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