Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Under the Sink

Last night living-in-sin roommate, Rebecca, and I returned home from Seder. (We apparently think we're Jewish. Shalom!).

It was late and I just wanted to go to bed. You guys. I need to tell you something that isn't a very nice thing to say. Sometimes it's kind of hard to live with Rebecca.

Don't get me wrong. Rebecca is the best roommate I've ever had.


Let's everybody calm down. I feel so on edge when I make references to Daniel because I know I'll suffer the wrath of the Strangers if anything I say could be construed as an attack on him. This is the first time I've ever seen a grown man have tens-of-thousands of protective mothers all at once. AND I'M JEALOUS!

Anyway, the reason it's sort of difficult to live with Rebecca is because homegirl be talkin' ALL THE TIME. I make no exaggerations here. Rebecca has something to say every second of every day of every week of every month of every year for time and all eternity.

I'm serious. Rebecca's Zodiac sign is just the eternity symbol.

She tried to write a book once but she typed so much that it knocked out all of the electricity in four neighboring counties.

Twice up the barrel, once down the side.

As you might have guessed if you've ever read Stranger before, Eli also be talkin' all the time. What this means is that Eli and Rebecca living together is a constant gabfest. And this has cut significantly into my precious three hours of sleep a night.

When I lived with Daniel I didn't really have this problem. I would talk and talk and talk and Daniel would sit in the corner of the room reading a book and mostly ignoring me until my own talking put me to sleep. But Rebecca and I think we're Regis and Kathie Lee. Except we don't keep it to an hour.

I tried to draw the line last night when we got home from Seder.


Rebecca: Ok, but I just have one quick thing to say first.

Eli: NO!

Rebecca: But--

Eli: NO, Rebecca. Go to bed. I just sat through six hours of Hebrew prayers. We are not going to spend another six hours talking about it.

I was proud of myself when I shut my bedroom door with an expectation of climbing into bed within the next five minutes. Then I walked into my bathroom and stepped into a puddle.

I noticed that there was a small waterfall pouring out through the cupboards under the sink. Against my better judgment, I opened them. I keep a large pile of clean towels under there (in case the queen the comes) and it was clear that these towels had been absorbing a slow leak for many days.

Then I saw it. Something that plagued my soul for one year while I lived on the Equator. Something that plagued my soul in the Land of Coconuts, a place I sometimes not-so-lovingly refer to as "Hell on Earth." A place where the weather forecast every single day is just "HOT ALL OF THE TIME ALWAYS."


Mold growing EVERYWHERE.

I had a thousand flashbacks to discovering mold on my clothes in the laundry basket and growing on food we bought the day before. I remembered the time that Daniel fed me a cookie that I didn't realize was covered in mold until after I took a bite out of it and felt it fall apart in my mouth. I remembered how that piece of chocolate cake that Leotrix left all over the floor not only had rat hair hanging from it, but also large grey moldy spots.

I burst into Rebecca's bedroom and dramatically explained the situation.

Rebecca sat in the bathroom with me NOT HELPING AT ALL as I tried to find the leak and clean up the mess. She just kept saying things like, "maybe you should just throw everything away," and "are we going to have to move?" and "do you think I would look good if I chopped my hair off?"

I performed the backbreaking labor that took me back to a much grosser time. A time when I had a constant stream of sweat dripping from every pore of my body. A time when I would wake up from the feeling of ants crawling on me. A time when I could actually wring out my sheets after one full night of half-sleep.

An hour later I finally shooed Rebecca away.

I dreamed for the next four hours about giant mole rats.

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. Ooooh, that sounds awful... I'm paranoid of mold, too. Once I was visiting a friend at college, and the condo she lived in had mold in the closets... come to find out it was highly dangerous (as if there is un-dangerous mold). Blecgh.

  2. Well, you are living in sin now, right? What did you expect? You're just lucky that God didn't send you a Leotrix plague instead of a little mold! ;-)

    1. Yes, this comment wins.

      Did you find and fix the source of the leak? And, yeah, I think Rebecca had it right: throw the towels away because MOLD. You wouldn't want to give the Queen once-moldy towels, would you?

      I'm sorry you didn't get to sleep last night. It makes me weepy just thinking about living on one hour of sleep. Last month sometime, I had a whole week of bad sleep, and the memory alone makes me emotional...

    2. Are these towels for Queen Elizabeth, or the Queen of Colors?

    3. Forget the Queen, you wouldn't want to let Paul Simon touch those once moldy towels. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, THROW THEM OUT BEFORE PAUL COMES OVER!!

      ...he could be on his way right now!

    4. Lee, your comment just made me panic so I burned the whole building to the ground.

    5. So in answer to Rebecca's question...yes you guys are going to have to move.

  3. I'm having a nightmare about leotrix right now...and I'm fully awake.

  4. I laughed all the way through this story, but I loved the line about being jealous because of Daniel's protective mothers. :)

  5. Let's see...wasn't the biblical flood caused by people living in sin amongst other things? And, now, the building fire? Eli, you are a one-man Armageddon.

  6. Oh my gosh-- laughing so hard at this, and the comment about burning the building down...

    *gasp* *choke* *giggle*


  7. Burning the building down was a wise decision. Can't let that mold win the battle!

  8. Seriously, I was eating lunch. In related news: This morning I picked up the coffee I'd half finished, took a drink, and felt something long and solid in my mouth. I spit it into the sink, but didn't see the nasty thing. What was it? Was it there the whole time? Am I going to die? Gross.

  9. Problem #1: Rebecca talking about her hair instead of yours.
    Problem #2: Rebecca not being Daniel.
    Problem #3: That you even considered keeping the towels.
    Problem #4: That sink twice up the barrel, once down the sided you.
    Problem #5: Even if you did keep the towels, Daniel's the only one with enough moldy laundry experience to handle such a disaster.

    1. Daniel - the real problem is - why doesn't Eli just marry Rebecca? They could just talk to each other all the time and never sleep... Oh wait, that may be problematic... Death by not sleeping...

    2. Here's the thing, if Eli and Rebecca got married they'd be an incredible power couple. But then they'd have kids, and I'd start getting frantic calls from E&R saying, "these kids are always talking about being hungry, but what about me!?" and "I'm always telling the new born how cute it is, but when was the last time it complimented me!?" and "the dishwasher is for dishes, the washer is for clothing, so where the hell is the child washer?" Then I'd end up having to move in with them and raise them all...never mind, they should definitely get married.

    3. I have got to make a better habit of reading all the comments. This is great! Eli! Daniel is planning your life for you, and it isn't half bad!

  10. I feel your pain about the constant all the time talking.

    But luckily I haven't ever had to deal with mold to the degree you have. I would probably gag to death.

  11. That's probably what Rebecca is allergic to...the mold.