Sunday, January 25, 2015

Up On A Soapbox

This weekend I dragged Matt and Ollie across the great state of Utah to help me collect 100,000 new things for my home improvement projects. Matt has become my general contractor who I have do at least ten new projects in my house every day. I pay him in compliments and smiles.

Somehow Matt knows how to do everything. This does not make sense to me. I asked him where he learned all of the things he knows and he said, as though I was an idiot for asking, "I learned it FROM BEING ALIVE."

We ended up at Lowe's where I bought a new light fixture for my kitchen and a number of other little things I've never heard of but that Matt swears are necessary if I want my house not to explode. Then we sauntered out to the car.

Just as we were getting in, I heard a man who was a little ways away from us in the parking lot yell some words. I hoped that I had misheard him, but then he looked at me and said something incredibly offensive and I realized that I had not misheard.

I quickly surveyed the situation and figured out what was happening. This man was heckling some gay couple whom he had apparently seen holding hands in the parking lot. In his heckling, he called out to me, I think assuming that I would join in and help him. He tried to draw my attention to the couple, and asked me whether I could believe that these !&$% would dare show their faces in public like that.

I didn't even bother looking where he was pointing. This man was far more interesting to me than the subjects of his attempted ridicule. And I stared at him intently, believing somehow that this couldn't really be happening in my lovely home town.

The first thought that came to my mind was that my dream of being on "What Would You Do?" was about to be fulfilled. And I quickly glanced around for hidden cameras because I wanted to make sure they caught my good side.

But this wasn't a hidden camera TV show moment. This was just a nasty real life situation without actors. The words that man used and the things he said were disgusting to me. And without much thought, I immediately launched into the kind of tongue lashing that I could have only ever learned from being raised by Cathie McCann for thirty years.

I don't really remember all that I said to this man. I think it started with "are you kidding me? What year are you living in?" and ended with "just get out of here!" There was a whole bunch of stuff in the middle, too. But I'm proud to say that none of it included profanity, name-calling, or threats. Although I can definitely say that I wasn't exactly kind.

Partway through my own heckling, a woman who had just parked next to us got out of her car. She listened to what I was saying and then heard the man across the way attempting to yell offensive slurs over the top of my raised voice. Although much more civil, she joined in on my rant, calling out to the man, "what could possibly make you think it's ok to behave in this way?"

Eventually he got into his truck and drove away. The woman turned to me, looking about as flustered as I felt, and said "I feel sorry for that man." I snapped back, "I don't. He's chosen to be that way. I feel sorry for every person he encounters." She told me that regardless of who deserved her sympathies, she was sad that someone would act in that way. Then she added, "I'm sorry you boys had to experience that."

I got into the car and immediately realized that having walked into the situation late, she had falsely assumed that Matt and I were the gay couple whom that man was harassing for holding hands. I don't know what it was about two grown men dressed alike and buying home decor with their small white cavoodle that could possibly have made her assume such a thing. But I took it as a compliment that she thought we were together romantically because that Matt is one fiiiiiiine piece of man. Bow chicka bow wow, hubba hubba woo hoo! Hashtag international male model. Hashtag amiright?!

I also think Matt should have taken it as a compliment because I was having an exceptionally good hair day. Hashtag I woke up like this.

I mentioned this to Matt who excitedly started texting several friends that we had just been "gay bashed." All of this was probably an inappropriate initial response to what had just happened. But what can we say. We like drama and attention.

As we drove away, I replayed in my mind dozens of times what had occurred. My brain implicitly began attempting to find some way that it was all just a misunderstanding. The part of me that wants peace and justice at all times looked for any opportunity to see that what had happened had not really just happened.

But it had happened the way I remembered. Someone was hateful to a couple of people he didn't know. And he expected backup from other strangers. Me, specifically.

I was grateful then that we live in 2015 and not some time before when he would have much more likely been successful in getting the backup he wanted. And then I replayed my response over and over in my mind, wondering how I should have handled it differently.

I remembered an experience from a few years ago when I was working for a judge. We were walking into the courthouse together and a fight broke out on the front lawn near us. This was not a fair fight, mind you. The judge immediately ran over to it, yelled in a booming voice, and broke up what was happening. He also flipped his phone out and called the police so quickly that I immediately made a mental note to never have a gun duel with him.

Later that day he made a comment that has stuck with me more than anything else I ever heard him utter. "Every time you fail to say or do something when people are behaving badly, you plant a seed for bad behavior to happen again."

I had heard variations of the idea that when you don't stand up for good you support bad. But I hadn't really thought about how a failure to call out hate makes it easier for hate to happen again. That endorsing meanness doesn't end at the stamp of approval; it validates the person, and maybe others, in thinking that meanness is acceptable at a later time.

I doubt that this man drove away with changed views and a new resolve to love the gays. I would like to be that persuasive, but I'm not quite that naive. My hope, however, is that he'll hesitate before treating someone that way again not out of a desire to be kind but because he'll remember that the last time he acted that way, it wasn't very pleasant for him. The last time he acted that way, the majority of the people present in the parking lot told him that his behavior was unacceptable. I don't know that that's realistic, but I think it's a possibility.

But in any event, although I am certain I could have been more eloquent, and I'm positive I should have been more charitable, I'm proud of myself for doing something. I think I've let too many moments go by in my life when I could have stood for good but passed on the chance. And as imperfectly as I handled it, I handled it. And that's an important step for me.

Nothing really happens without majority endorsement on some level. Sure, dictatorships represent a powerful minority, but if you break down their history, at some point, a majority accepted a practice or a culture or a set of ideas that paved the way for the injustice that resulted. And far too often, widespread silence is a majority endorsement of hurtful bigotry. Assuming we care about the community in which we live, how we feel on the inside is almost entirely inconsequential if it's insufficient to motivate our actions. Nobody ever benefited from another person's undisclosed charity.

That man in the Lowe's parking lot? I don't wish him harm. I wish for him understanding. I'm not optimistic that he'll get it. But I wish it just the same. And if nothing else, I wish for Stranger to act as a cyber megaphone for his words, enough so that good Strangers everywhere might be motivated to be slightly more inclined today to open their mouths and stand for good.

That's our opportunity and our privilege.

~It Just Gets Stranger

51 comments:

  1. You are my hero... But having had two friends literally beaten to the point they spent several days in the hospital for their perceived orientation (in SLC) last month, please be careful too. Not that you shouldn't stand up for what's right, but the world needs Eli McCann in it for a lot longer because you are our hero.

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  2. I don't support gay lifestyle, but I agree that he shouldn't have treated them that way. Makes me sad.

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    1. In the spirit of standing up, I want to let you know that what you said is still very hurtful. It makes me very sad that you cannot voice your sympathy without also clarifying that you do not support gay people. As long as people do not unapologetically stand up for what is right, people like this man will continue to make hateful comments, so I hope that the next time you express your sympathy, you are able to do it without mentioning your own prejudice.

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    2. Well said, Bella!

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    3. Thank you, Bella.

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    4. Kara has a right to express her opinion. And it's just that, her opinion. You are judging her by calling her prejudiced. Prejudice goes both ways.

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    5. I disagree with Bella. I think that it was good of Kara to voice her view with that clarification because it shows that you do not have to agree with a lifestyle in order to feel compassion for the individuals. It is good to see kind people from that side because they are often painted as full of "prejudice". Go Kara! Stand up for what you believe in!

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    6. I'm in the same boat as Kara. I disagree with the gay lifestyle, but people should not be verbally abused. (I know I don't need to point this out here, but gay people are people too.)

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    7. Kara was not trying to offend or insult anyone, but she was mentioning that even though she does not share the same views, she agrees and supports that no one should be heckled or harassed in this way. For Bella, just because someone does not share the same views as you does not mean that they are trying to offend your or do not like you, they just believe differently.

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    9. Hi Anonymous! This isn't about someone "sharing my views" this is about someone openly saying they do not approve of who I am as a person. I do not at all trying to attack Kara as a person, but this type of comment is something I hear a lot, and I want people to understand that comments like that hurt just as much as other, more overt types of verbal abuse. People making comments like that may not be intending to hurt me, but I want everyone to know that when you say "I don't support gay lifestyle," it does hurt me and other gay people, it is offensive and you should consider not saying it.

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  3. That's exactly what I would have done! I hope that the people who were harassed in the first place heard a complete stranger stand up for them, and that it cancelled out some of the hurt caused by being yelled at in the first place .

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  4. Good for you! Nobody ever deserves to be treated like that, and shame on that man for trying to get others to join in. I only wish I had the guts to do what you did. Eli for the win!

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  5. I love this whole paragraph:

    "Nothing really happens without majority endorsement on some level. Sure, dictatorships represent a powerful minority, but if you break down their history, at some point, a majority accepted a practice or a culture or a set of ideas that paved the way for the injustice that resulted. And far too often, widespread silence is a majority endorsement of hurtful bigotry. Assuming we care about the community in which we live, how we feel on the inside is almost entirely inconsequential if it's insufficient to motivate our actions. Nobody ever benefited from another person's undisclosed charity."

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  6. Way to go. I don't understand all the hate that goes on in the world; I truly want to believe that people are inherently good and that most people don't mean any harm or hate. But then I get reminders that that's not always the case. I know that I almost never handle things the way I ought to have handled them, specifically when my emotions are running on high. But I've come a long way, too; I used to be a bit of a doormat, but then sometime after high school I realized I was actually full of piss and vinegar, and so I stand up for myself and others more often than I did back in the day. (Not that I do it 100% of the time. I still have a long way to go.)

    I'm sorry that this happened, and that there's so much hate in the world, and that people still think it's okay to publicly flog someone whose opinions and lifestyles are different from their own. But I'm glad you had this experience, for growth and reassessment and all that jazz.

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  7. This post is great. And I loved the hashtag I woke up like this.

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  8. Yes, the quote about "...something, something, the only way for evil to prevail is for good men/women to do nothing, blah, blah" (paraphrasing, obvs..) comes to mind.

    Fortunately (?) I have no internal filters, and will speak up, intervene, whatever when I see/hear rampant stupidity.

    I get away with it because I'm a gray-haired granny. Age has its perks.

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    1. Oh my gosh, awesomesauciness. Thank you for providing the exact quote word for word that I was too lazy to look up when I wrote this post. You live up to your name, ma'am.

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    2. Aw shucks...tweren't nothin' sonny, but thanks. Anytime you need me to mash-up, destroy, completely quote incorrectly, etc. anything just let me know.

      I got yer back, kiddo. :-)

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  9. “There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right.”
    ― Martin Luther King Jr

    This is one of my favorite quotes. I think we all have an innate desire to protect other people, but too often we let fear creep in and silence us.

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  10. I love this post. Thank you for sharing it.

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  11. We've gone from boring to fabricated on this blog. Heaven help us (Eli mostly).

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    1. Three responses.

      1. In this blog's "about" page, Eli wrote this: "Seeing how exaggeration and manipulation could get me out of mounds of trouble has since had a long-lasting effect on my story-telling." So, I'm not sure what you expect from a blog where the author admits to exaggeration. (I'm not saying Eli exaggerated this post's experience; I'm speaking in reference to his entire blog.)

      2. Why read a blog that you think is boring and fabricated? Your life is important—spend it doing things (and reading blogs) that interest you, entertain you, enlighten you, or help you grow!

      3. If you can't say anything nice . . . ;)

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    2. Michelle, in response to your implied question, this story was sadly not exaggerated (or fabricated). I won't make the same claim for some of the other posts on Stranger!

      Anonymous, I want to direct a comment to you. I don't know whether you'll see this or whether it will matter to you, but I'll write it anyway. I think you are the same person who has been leaving comments lately attacking me and my writing for being boring an unevolving. I'm not sure what has caused you to want to share these thoughts here. I hope that I haven't wronged you in some way. I suspect that you may be someone who knows me in real life and who is upset with me for some reason. Maybe you are attempting to antagonize me in some way. Maybe you don't know me in real life but you are hurting inside for some reason and you feel that lashing out at me is going to somehow make you feel better. I don't know which, if any, of the cliche's I've just mentioned might be true of your Internet trolling.

      But I want you to know that I'm sorry that you are feeling whatever it is you are feeling that is causing you to behave in this way, regardless of whether your feelings are justified or not. You can attack me all you want. I won't hate you for it. But you should know that your attacks won't do any good for anyone, and that includes you. They won't make you feel better. Even if you despise me and somehow succeed at tearing me down, you won't feel better.

      You certainly aren't required to raise me up either. But I think your energies could be spent in much more fulfilling ways than reading a blog that makes you feel in such a way that you are compelled to try to tear down someone who is working hard at something they love. Please find those other outlets and let them bless your life. And if nothing else, try to remember that the people you troll on the Internet are real people with feelings and flaws, just like you.

      Finally, I'll offer this and hope you'll take it seriously: if you would really like to talk about the comments you've been leaving and what might be motivating them, please email me. I will talk with you via email or over the phone if you would like. I will hear what you have to say, and I will try to respond in the best way I know how.

      Eli

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    3. I don't know if it's just me, but it's quite obvious which of Eli's posts are exaggerated and fabricated, and which ones are authentic. Maybe it's because our sense of humor is somewhat similar, but it's not hard to see that this one is true.

      There's nothing wrong with disagreeing with what Eli is saying and actually posting your disagreement, but if you are not enjoying his writings and are just coming here to say how much he sucks at writing HIS blog, then as he already stated, that's trolling. If you have an issue with him, as he stated above, it's best to hash it out with him.

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    4. Wonderful response here, Eli. You too, Lee.

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    5. Eli, please let us know how many strangers emailed you pretending to be the anonymous "troll" just to get you to call them.....
      Sincerely not THE anonymous troll

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    6. Damnit I wish I would have thought of that.

      Or maybe Eli IS the anonymous troll and just logs off and then back on again anonymously. Or maybe Eli makes all of these stories up in his head and then logs off of stranger, makes up profiles for his sister's and all of his friends and then posts as them. Then posts anonymously as "Cathie", all in an elaborate plan to make it look like everything he posts is real life.

      ...oh man...I just blew my own mind with that.

      We're on to your hippy dippy baloney Eli....we're on to you..... *shakes fist in the air*

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    7. I just thought of one. What if Eli is a person Paul Simon made up so Paul Simon could write about himself but make it look like he's not writing about himself.

      MINDS BLOWN.

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    8. Lee, that did cross my mind but eli would have to be an octopus to do that bc how can a person with only two arms be capable of controlling multiple computers......
      Ps. I refuse to believe that eli is exaggerating about his hair and not knowing what that means cathie.

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    9. I didn't mean to imply that you had exaggerated this experience. I find it easy to tell when you are being humorous and story telling and when you are relating experiences that are too serious to exaggerate about. (Well, I think I find it easy. I suppose I could be completely wrong with other posts!) I thought anonymous was responding to your whole blog though rather than just this post.

      Just wanted to clear that up. This post definitely didn't ring with falsehood for me. Unfortunately experiences like gay bashing are all too real.

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    10. You've fed the troll!! They'll be back do sure now. Let's just ignore them and move on!

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    11. Sorry Michelle, I was actually responding to the first Anonymous, not to you. I got what you meant.

      FYI Eli, you know my name is mentioned in one of Paul Simon's songs right. I think he was speaking about me personally when he said "Drop off the key Lee" in 50 ways to leave your lover. And shhh...don't tell my wife what I just said. That was a special moment in time between Paul and I.

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    12. Eli,
      I feel like your response to this anonymous post shows what a truly sincere and genuine person you really are. You actually took the time to offer peace and love to a person that is knowingly trying to bring you down. I find that I am usually a person that holds a grudge against those that knowingly try to harm me, but I can see that that is not the right way to be.
      I also believe that this person probably knows you, and for some reason they are upset (jealous?) that you are so successful in this little blog that brings so much entertainment to so many. I really hope that they take a look at themselves and realize that they need to let go of that pain they are inflicting upon themselves.

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  12. Great job sir. I came to you years ago for the snuggies and stayed for the ironman. I love reading your take on things and am so proud and happy you said what you did. What the judge said was powerful. i love reading your blog (yes I'm another anonymous internet stalker!) and please keep sharing your views. There's a whole world out there that doesn't agree with what that man said - I live in small town upper Midwest and i cannot imagine anyone saying those things that that man said here! And the people who think those things probably just keep their hate to themselves (thank god for MN/WI nice).

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  13. This is exactly what happened today as WBC tried to protest a high school in Des Moines. Hundreds of people showed up to stop them from spreading hate.

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  15. I would like to hope I would have been able to speak up too. I think it's awesome that you said something and that that lady jumped in to join you and not him. There's good in the world.

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  16. I would hope that any where we are in the world that we would rise to defend someone who is being diminished in such a way for whatever reason. Hurts me to think of the cruelties that people everywhere have to endure. Having read the MLK quote above and having just seen the movie "Selma" and being reminded of this compelling story (as only one example) I have reconfirmed to myself that I need to be more kind, more loving, put myself in other people's shoes more often, see through other people's eyes more often, support, uplift, defend, encourage, be brave, have courage, make a difference, stand out of the crowd, help change thinking when I feel it is too harsh, too judgmental, and too unkind. I am proud of you son. You are a very, very good writer and a very, very good human being. I love your spirit! Ya did good in that parking lot. And thank you for not swearing! I may have. ;) :) :)

    Cathie XOXOXoxo

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  17. So very proud of you for standing up without cussing or name calling. We need more people who can disagree passionately while being respectful. Great example.

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  18. This blog is phenomenally good. The serious and the ridiculous. My favorite spot on the who webs. Thank you.

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  19. I've always wanted to ask. But are you gay? Like are you attracted to males?

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  20. I heard a quote today that reminded me of your experience: "Rights are best guarded when each person and group guards for others those rights they wish guarded for themselves." Way to stand up against hatred.

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  21. Gun duel, not gun dual. Two completely different meanings.

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  22. Every time I look at this post's title I think of "Here Comes Santa Claus" . . . . Up on a soapbox - reindeer claws . . .

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    1. OMG you and I were thinking the exact same thing!!! That is so hilarious. All I keep hearing is "Up on a soapbox, click click click, down through the chimney with good St. Nic."

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  23. As the mother of a gay son, Eli, THANK YOU! Should anything like this, God forbid, ever happen to my son, I hope some stranger will come to his defense like you did. If I'm there, there would definately be cursing, and probable bloodshed. You don't mess with the baby bears when the momma bear is around!

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  24. Eli, you rock everyday on till Sunday. Keep it up, the world needs more of you.

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