Monday, November 2, 2015

Trick or Treat

This Halloween was my very first ever Halloween as a homeowner and I cannot possibly overstate how excited I was about this. But I'll try.

Remember when you heard they are doing a Netflix season of Full House and Kimmy Gibler is coming back? You guys. I was FOUR TIMES more excited than that.

I was excited about this because I have always wanted to give out candy to Trick-or-Treaters from my very own home because I have always known that I would be SO good at this.

I would say all the right things. I would compliment every child's costume. I would play spooky sounds and decorate the entryway of my house with creepy decorations. I would make sure the aroma of baked pumpkin goods wafted out of my home. WAFTED you guys!

I learned all of this from watching Bob and Cathie for so many years turn their place into the house to avoid if you don't want to get stuck on someone's front porch for ten minutes while the female part of Bob and Cathie (dressed as a witch) forces you to pose with your friends for various pictures and the male part of Bob and Cathie (dressed as a white dad) makes every possible joke he can think of about your costume.


I was TOTALLY ready to harass children while dressed as a white dad from within the comforts of my very own home!

I set up my entryway with good candy and candles.



I carved a pumpkin to place on my front porch so everyone would know I was participating in Halloween.



And then, I waited.

I had invited several friends over for dinner before heading out to some parties later in the evening. I made borsch and homemade bread and set out various Halloween-appropriate candies. We sat down to eat and I was on pins and needles.

I wasn't sure what time the kids would be coming to Trick-or-Treat, but the sun had set and it seemed like surely this was probably when it would all begin. Surely the onslaught would happen once the sun set.

I walked out to the front yard every few minutes to observe the scene, wondering if there was something unwelcoming about my home. I noticed that The Perfects's's'ess's'es' lights were all off and it looked like no one was home WHICH MEANS The Perfects were not participating in the neighborhood Trick-or-Treating. And this has prompted my latest theory about The Perfects and that is that The Perfects are Jehovah's Witnesses and they don't celebrate holidays.

Note: literally the only evidence I have that The Perfects might be Jehovah's Witnesses is that their lights were turned off on Halloween.

And now that I think about it, they had the best Christmas decorations on the entire block last year.

I currently have no active theories on The Perfects's's religious beliefs or practices. We are back to square one on this.

Anyway, after I noticed the lights were off next door, I noticed that the whole street was dark. Nobody had pumpkins out. Nobody had spooky sounds playing through their front door. NOBODY was even trying to be the best Trick-or-Treating house on the block.

I walked back inside, defeated. My friends, none of whom understood the importance of this, nor possessed the tact to not to make fun of me excessively for my undying enthusiasm, tried to sooth me in my time of need.

And then, finally, there was a knock at the door.

I jumped to my feet. I started running to the door, but then stopped myself, saying under my breath "play it cool, Eli. Not too eager."

I opened the door. Standing on my front porch was a girl, probably about 11 years old. What looked like her mom was standing on the sidewalk, patiently waiting.

Girl: Hey.

Eli: Well hello there!!!! . . .  sorry. I mean, hey yourself.

Girl: Um . . . happy Halloween?

Eli: What do you say?

Girl: Um . . . please?

Eli: No. That is not what you say. I mean, generally yes. That is what you should say. That's a very important and polite thing to say. [Then directing the next part to the mom] YOU ARE BEING RAISED CORRECTLY. But, what else do you say?

Girl: Um . . . thank you?

Eli: Oh my gosh, seriously? "Trick or treat!" You're supposed to say "trick or treat!"

Girl: Oh . . . um . . . trick or treat then.

Eli: Well not with that tone. And are you even dressed up?

Girl: Yes. I'm superwoman.

Eli: You look like an eleven-year-old girl in a coat to me.

Girl: Well it's really cold. And my mom said I had to wear a coat over my costume.

Eli: VERY GOOD PARENTING.

Girl: Um . . . so . . . trick or treat?

Eli: Ok fine. You're the only kid that has come by so, here, take several handfuls. And if you see any other children will you please tell them to come trick-or-treating at my house. I have been preparing all day for this and these kids are ruining this for me.

I was relatively pleased with the exchange. Then I shut the door and turned around and all seven of my friends who were at my house were staring at me in absolute silence and with looks of horror on their faces like they had just lived through the prom scene in Carrie.

~It Just Gets Stranger

58 comments:

  1. And, you are such a good homemaker. Well done.

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  2. I hope more than anything that The Perfects read your blog.

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    1. I'd really like to read The Perfects' blog!

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    2. YES!!!!! We need to know if the Perfects read the Blog, and, if they have a Blog, we all really need that link.

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  3. Eli. DO THE PERFECTS KNOW OF THE EXISTENCE OF THIS BLOG?

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  4. I love this on so many levels! Happy HalloweenM

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  5. You're better than me. I turned all the lights off upstairs, stayed in the basement, and watched Young Frankenstein.

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    1. I went to a party but spent the whole time wishing I was home watching a movie and handing out candy.

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  6. I totally understand. I always remind kids to say "trick-or-treat" first. I care more about that part then I do about them thanking me.

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  7. My husband is the Grinch who stole Halloween. We LOVE Halloween and have a party every year - I was a black cat this year - completely adorable - but he hates handing out candy and he feels guilty when I stay home and hand out candy. So he gave all of the candy I bought to our neighbors to hand out and turned off the lights. WHO DOES THAT?

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  8. It's sad that not as many trick-or-treaters come by houses anymore. I think that all of the parents got lazy and they all do the trunk-or-treat now. So instead of following kids around neighborhoods for hours, they take them to a parking lot to get the candy in about 10-15 min.

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    1. Trunk or Treat is the anti-Christ of Halloween.

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  9. We live in a town just outside the city. And our house is on the bottom part of the U in a bay, so we don't tend to get too many trick or treater's down our way. It doesn't help that some of the neighbors shut off their lights and don't give out anything or decorate or ANYTHING! I forgot to take a picture of my front yard and post it on Instagram (so you only saw my pumpkin that I carved Eli), but I had some tombstones out front and I set up a fog machine with a skeleton sitting in front of it so as to hid it a bit. I had a small strobe light on the tombstones and a ghostly figure hanging out front as well. But after walking away with the kids (my parents handed out the candy and my wife and I did the rounds), I noticed you still couldn't see it from the main road. I'm going to have to have some better flashy lights next year. I think my parents said there was only about 15 kids that came. Meanwhile we walked to "the fun street" which was just two streets over where all the kids live, and there were lots of kids out there. My two boys would walk up to the house and the older one would count 1...2...3 and then scream at the top of their lungs "TRICK OR TREAT!!!!". It's funny, because after an hour they were like "oh we're so tired, let's go back home" and we'd start to walk back and then they'd go "OK just this one more house" to almost every house on the way back. It was fun. Luckily there was no wind and it wasn't too cold. And still no snow on the ground which is good.

    Oh, and your reference about Full House...I don't get it cause I hated Full House after the first two seasons. So 4x not excited is even less excited. Give me a better analogy.

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    1. It's like if you found out that Netflix was producing another season of The Red Green Show/Celine Dion was releasing a new album/Mike Meyers moved next door to you/snow and Eskimos and stuff.

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    2. HEY! I never watched EVERY episode of The Red Green Show.

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    3. Well then that makes one of us, Lee.

      I use duct tape for EVERYTHING.

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    4. So that's how you installed the hardware on your island cabinets.

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    5. It's actually funny you say this. I have secured the hardware in the back with electrical tape. Matt has promised to come and fix my incompetency at some point.

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    6. It's a good thing I don't live near you. Who knows how often I'd be called over for your "computer problems".

      ;)

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    7. So outside of this blog and the whole 19th cousin removed thing, do you guys know each other? Just trying to figure out if this frenemyship started before the blog.

      Signed - Stranger fan, no relation to Eli, or any other Mormon

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    8. Alas, we have never met. Lee started harassing me regularly some time ago via the comments on Stranger. I knew I could either obtain a restraining order, or engage with him. And we've been best frenemies ever since, even though/because he lives in Canada.

      Also, I have a theory that he might actually be Paul Simon. I have a theory that every single person on the entire Internet is actually Paul Simon. So I try not to close any doors.

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    9. Psshh...Eli WISHES he knew me, cause of how totally awesome I am (and weird, never forget the weirdness). Alas, I am far far...FAR up north in Canada...just an hour north of North Dakota...trying to stay warm.

      I like to tease people (mostly people I like), hence why I bug Eli so much, and some of the nice folks around here too. Nothing that I say on here is ever meant to be hurtful, just in case anyone thinks that way, as I can sometimes get carried away, especially if I'm bored.

      Am I Paul Simon? Possibly. Maybe I'm Paul's brother Lee Simon...and our parents gave birth to me 32 years after Paul was born...in...Canada....

      See the ...'s I put everywhere. I do that because I...know...some...people...on...here........hate it. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

      Ok, I have work to do now...CAN'T YOU PEOPLE SEE I'M BUSY HERE! *twiddles thumbs*

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    10. Don't mind me, I'm just over here eating popcorn and watching the show....

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  10. We live on a busy road and get very few trick or treaters. That being said--football is more important than Halloween--so we were at the Utah football game watching the Utes win!

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  11. We have always lived in the 'student' section of town or in a complex where we knew nobody and didn't want to knock on doors to have the people not have candy and us feel so awkward. This year our church did put on a trunk-or-treat. We were warned that the candy goes fast so I was stressed when we pulled up 15 minutes late. I hadn't even poured the candy into our cauldron, no less unstrapped my kids from their car-seats, before we were swarmed by 7 kids trying to get at our candy. I quickly grabbed my boys and started walking toward other cars as I noticed over 1/2 of them close their trunks and begin to back out. We got candy from about 5 cars before the place was pretty much deserted. When I got back to our car (I kid you not, less than 7 minutes later) our candy was completely GONE.

    My husband said he saw most of the kids 4 or 5 times and they took 4-5 pieces each time.

    I was ASTOUNDED that little kids (it was the older kids - 9-12 - that were the problem) could whirlwind through that place so fast and not even care that they got 15 pieces of candy from someone and left anyone slower than them with nothing. Next year I'm volunteering to be on a Trunk-or-Treat committee and will restore order to that madhouse. Never again.

    I much preferred taking the boys out house to house after that, even in the blustery cold rain.

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    1. I hate trunk or treats! That is just one of the many reasons! My toddler has been wandering around repeating, "trunk or treats are dumb as hell" because he overheard me on the phone one day. Oops. But now he knows the truth about trunk or treats!

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    2. P&J...Parenting - you're doing it right. Hahahaha.

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    3. I hate trunk-or-treats, too, but I love the party that is attached to them in our church, so we participate anyway. Luckily, I know most of the kids in our congregation, and I most definitely cut them off if I've seen them pass by our trunk already; also, I won't let them grab at the candy - 1-2 pieces are given to them by myself or my husband (we're stingy like that I guess, but we justify that we have to save some of the candy for our regular trick-or-treaters on Halloween night). We LOVE the house-to-house trick-or-treating, and I've remarked to my husband every year since we had kids that the kids are my excuse to go trick-or-treating as an adult...Halloween has always been my favorite holiday, and I'm excited to have a couple preschoolers under my tow to give me every excuse to celebrate all aspects of it :)

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  12. My husband and I were so excited for Halloween. It was our first year in an actual neighborhood with a lot of children. We were very disappointed when the doorbell rang maybe only 6 times. I guess trunk or treats are taking over. But this means more candy for me. Good thing we only bought the good stuff!

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  13. We lived in LA for the last 14 years, and in a nice neighborhood for the last 8. Nary a trick or treater came our way. But then we moved... And all those years of no trick or treaters were made up for in one night. Last year 1023 kids came to my door looking for candy! This year we haven't heard the total yet but we did have to scour our cupboards and come up with Cadbury eggs and last year's Christmas stocking candy because we ran out. We didn't even close the door for 3 full hours. Our neighbors didn't tell us until after we lived in that everyone from everywhere caravans into our neighborhood! So be careful what you wish for... It really does come true!

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  14. Seriously. What is up with kids not saying "trick or treat" anymore?? Kids these days!

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  15. At least you had hope that you would get more trick or treaters! I gave all the candy to the one kid that showed up. He was a very cute superman and I gave him a handful of candy, thanked him for coming and said I was starting to get sad that nobody would come. He then hugged my legs (he was maybe 5 yrs old, I'm not good at judging child ages), and told me not to be sad and that he would come back next year. I then filled his bucket with all the candy.

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    1. awwwwww...I hope he does come back next year. You should get some good treats for him.

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  16. We live in Mexico, but right on the border, so I was excited when I heard that I live in one of the few neighborhoods here that trick-or-treat. A lot of kids go across the border to trick or treat in the States, but I was happy that I wouldn't have to go anywhere. In Cincinnati, we always set up camp in the drive way to watch all the trick or treaters walking up and down the streets, so I did something similar here, setting up chairs in front of our doorway. I left my husband with lots of candy and then went out walking with my children.

    I quickly learned that in Mexico, you don't ring the doorbell and say trick or treat. You stand outside the door chanting "Queremos Halloween" (We Want Halloween) until the resident opens the door and gives you handfuls of candy.

    So I confused everyone by setting up outside the house, because they were never sure whether to chant or not. Oh well. My husband made them all say it before giving them candy, and I think that we cemented our weird American status.

    There were a lot more kids trick or treating than that live in my neighborhood. After my kids were done trick or treating, we started handing out their loot to the kids who kept coming to our house. The streets were lined with cars, so I think kids from other places came to our neighborhood rather than cross the border. Smart kids. :)

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    1. Hey that's what we do with our kids. We find all the stuff we don't like and re-hand it out. I think the only thing we really keep are a few chocolate bars and all the chips. My kids don't eat junk food much.

      And no fair living in Mexico. I want to live somewhere hot.

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    2. Wait... people hand out chips? I have never heard of this. My kids would be over the moon to get chips!

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    3. Yeah, those little bags of chips. My kids got about 15 bags each. Doritos, lays, ruffles, cheetos, etc... You should drive up to Winnipeg since you're right below Manitoba and come and pick some up at Costco. :D

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    4. I'm guessing MN means Minnesota in your name...I'm not actually stalking you...

      ...please disregard the guy out in the bushes in front of your house...that is totally NOT ME!

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    5. Yeah, people hand out the little bags of chips, fruit snacks, marshmallows, Goldfish, etc. Some even hand out glow sticks, crayons, little books, small puzzles, etc., if they're thinking of trying to make a child with food allergies happy on Halloween.

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    6. I'm familiar with Costco, Lee. I may live in Podunkville, Minnesota, but I can drive right over to South Dakota and visit real stores. Canadians... Sheesh!

      We've gotten the occasional Goldfish and fruit snack bags, but never real chips. I think even my too old (read cool) to trick or treat kids would head out for chips! We get way too many tootsie rolls and suckers where we go trick or treating, it's almost not worth it.

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    7. Jodie I almost moved to Minnesota once but then I found out you don't have 7-11 stores and I decided to stay in Utah...other than that I LOVE Minnesota, home of the absolutely nicest people in the country.

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    8. We have 7-11 stores here. :D

      Jodie, LOL...I didn't mean you didn't know what Costco was, I meant that our Costco up here sells the mini bags of chips in the big boxes. I wasn't sure if Costco in the U.S. did. Although they sell them at most stores up here, the Costco ones have the biggest box.

      Also I feel very stupid looking up Podunkville and finding out it's just a term used to describe a very small town. I was thinking to myself "hmm...we've been to Minnesota many times, I don't remember anything called Podunkville".

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    9. Thanks Suzzzz, we are a pretty friendly bunch here. But, sadly, no 7-11 stores. There was when I was younger, but they are all gone now.

      Lee, for clarification, I don't actually live in Podunkville. I live in rural Podunkville. My nearest neighbor, other than family, is a half a mile away. My nearest Costco is over an hour away, but next time I'm there I'll buy some chips :)

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    10. This conversation wins the internets!

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  17. We haven't had a single child come to our house on Halloween in over five years. We gave up after year two and now go to my daughter's house, where elebenty-hunnert of the little rugrats show up for the free candy - each dutifully yelling something akin to "trick or treat" - and get the bejeebus scared out of them by the various "actors" (my son-in-law, me, and others) playing parts as Jason, a witch or vampire, etc.

    This year, though, their house was ECLIPSED by the house across the street. The house decorated by the Hollywood propmaster. He makes props. For movies. Including scary movies. You do the math.

    It was amazeballs, and I was transfixed by the front windows showing a looped scene of zombies pawing to get out. So. Real.

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    1. Do they live in Brentwood?

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    2. No, unless by "Brentwood" you mean a small town in Texas...which, come to think of it isn't even named Brentwood.

      So, umm...no.

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    3. oh, there are a lot of houses in Brentwood (CA) that are props people and they are insane like that.

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  18. I didn't have any kids at my house this year either. I live in a "pioneer house" on the far end of town, so if kids have a choice between barbeque and donuts in the rich part of town, they'll take that. But before I moved here, I lived in (awful) townhouse and I would get mobbed, even after I turned out the light. So I came up with "punishment candy". That's the candy that I hate, and I know that not everyone hates white chocolate kit-kats, but I would pass them out to the brats who spit on my kid, or the lazy teenagers who wouldn't bother to dress up and also to the parents trick-or-treating for their newborn. I would hand them the nastiest candy I could imagine and smirk.

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    1. Haha! So I have a seven month old who went trick or treating just because he looked cute in his costume, and he has three older siblings. People kept trying to give him candy! And I kept saying, "he's a baby—he doesn't need any candy!" And I usually could get away quickly enough, but a number of people were determined to put candy in his little pail. (I have him a pail so he could have something to chew on/distract himself with.) Anyway, I thought it was funny. And then I put his candy in my bowl back home to hand back out to the trick or treaters at my house. Do some people really let seven month olds eat candy? Or maybe they just can't tell how old he was and didn't want to stiff him? I don't know. Either way. I thought it was funny that some people ignored my protestations.

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    2. It's probably so the parents get free candy. Cause 5 bucks for a giant box of mini candy's is too expensive you know.

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  19. I had 68 trick or treaters plus 7 ADORABLE grandkids! Beat you all to heck! Bwahahaha

    Mom xoxoxo

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  20. We had a few trick or treaters. We had a basement of VERY smelly boys who were too old to trick or treat so they gorged themselves on candy and soda. There's a family in our area that camps out in their front yard making home made scones and root beer. My husband LOVES that house.

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    1. I want to go to that house and I'm about 20 years past due on my trick or treating sell by date.

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  21. When we moved into our neighborhood 17 years ago, we would get 100+ kids and ours was not even "the" neighborhood in town to go to. Alas all the kids grew up and we get maybe 15 or 20 now. "The" trick-or-treating neighborhood in town is high pressure however. If you move there you are expected to put up massive house decorations, lights, sound, big blow-up creatures, the works; decorate your garage and sit out in your driveway passing out to 300+ kids. Compared to that I like our low-pressure neighborhood.

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