Sunday, January 24, 2016

Adam's Bare Hands

Recently my friend Adam, who is the most talented human being who has ever lived in the history of all living AND I'M INCLUDING EVEN THE BAND HANSON IN THIS showed up to my house with the surprise of all surprises. And I'm not referring to Mr. Teddy Scraps, who belongs to Adam and who literally made me start crying when he came to my house for the first time last week.

I know you probably think I'm joking but I'm actually not. I literally started crying when I met Mr. Scraps. Adam brought him in and my mouth immediately opened so wide that NASA is now studying me for violating our current understanding of every law of physics.

I fell onto the floor and Mr. Scraps jumped on me, peed, and started licking my face. And I was so happy that a tear came out of my right eye and rolled down my cheek.

No. It wasn't that I just got a little teary eyed. I had enough tear for one to roll down my cheek.

Adam was just dropping Mr. Scraps off for me to watch him since I was working from home that day. And Mr. Scraps and I fell in love and he's now my mistress that I'm lying to Mr. Pants about when I tell Mr. Pants that he's the only dog in my life.

But, no. The amazing thing that Adam brought to my house a few weeks ago was not Mr. Scraps.

Adam does this thing I've never really understood called "working with his hands" wherein he makes things. With his hands. With his bare God-given hands.

Specifically, he makes furniture. With his bare hands. And tools. He's basically Ron Swanson but without a mustache.

I don't understand this craft. But I am incredibly impressed with anyone who can do it. I actually think people who can make things with their hands and who understand technology should be our royalty. We should have to bow to them and clap when they get on planes.

I had admired his work by screaming scintillating hyperbole in all caps when he showed me some pictures. And so, having some extra supplies and understanding that I'm the type of person who literally cries of happiness as a dog is peeing on him, Adam knew that making a surprise coffee table for me would be appreciated so much that you could see my happiness from space.

And so, he showed up to my house recently and had me help him unload some supplies that he assembled in my front room. I didn't understand what this thing was until it was fully put together because my spatial reasoning skills are so tragic that they should probably give me a handicap parking sticker.

But then it came into view.

You guys. He salvaged the wood for this thing from an abandoned 19th Century mine in central Utah. This 19th century mine.

There were some old and very weathered planks near the mine that were badly damaged. He was able to save some of the wood from them and turn it into furniture. USING HIS BARE HANDS.

This coffee table is amazing. It's the bomb. It's the It's the It's the


I love it with every fiber of my cries-at-the-sight-of-puppies being.

Thank you, Adam. I promise to always make Matt use coasters.

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. I have been making things with my bare hands my whole life. Recently, I made two wearable things with my bare hands, and I even blogged about it. But you don't read my blog, Eli, or you'd have known that, AND you probably would have declared ME royalty.

    Not that I'm bitter. You just don't love me like you do the "Mr."'s (I cannot figure out how to make that look/read right; you know I mean the DOGS, right?)

    I don't want to have to pee on you just so you'll love me enough to cry. :P

    1. Yeah ELI! And I know technology...BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!!! BOW BEFORE!

      It's ok Emelle. I read your blog and IT'S AWESOME!

    2. I know you do, Zod, er, Lee. Thanks for the shout-out.

    3. Thank you, Anon. I KNEW there was a right way.

  2. Normally typos bug me but imagining you crying at the "site" of puppies, like it's a physical place where all the awesome puppies have congregated just for your amusement was worth it :)

  3. I assume you meant Hanson? As in band of brothers from the 90s who I am still a very big fan of and travel the country to go to their shows and a member of their fan club? Did I mention I'm a fan? No? Okay then...



  4. This is all I can think of, mostly because my brain doesn't function before 10am on a Monday morning.

  5. OMG! Adam and his scrappy dog and gifted hands are marriage material!! All the single put your hands up....

  6. "Recently my friend Adam, who is the most talented human being who has ever lived in the history of all living..." Um, does Paul Simon know you've abandoned him for Adam?

    1. Whenever I meet someone who is talented, I just assume it's Paul Simon in disguise. Then I cut off some of the person's hair and put it in my mouth.

  7. This may be the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want it!!!