Sunday, January 31, 2016

Visiting Sam

I'm visiting Sam in Boulder this weekend. Well, that's a lie. He lives in a place called "Broomfield." I don't know why I put quotation marks around that word. It looks like I don't trust that that's what it's really called. Which, maybe I shouldn't trust that that's what it's really called because I haven't seen any signs so I really am just putting my life in Sam's hands. And I don't know how much I can trust him.

He swears this never happened but when we were ten years old I was at his house after school playing some game we made up in his basement, which game is one of many we will take to our graves to ensure we are able to have friends during our lives. Well I noticed it was 5:00 and Bob and Cathie had said I needed to be home by then for dinner because I guess we were old people in Florida. And if there's one thing I knew about Bob and Cathie it was that there was a decent chance that if you were late to something they would have replaced you with another child and changed the locks by the time you got home. Not that any of us were allowed keys to the house.

We really left our entire fates in Bob and Cathie's hands.


Anyway, I told Sam that I needed to go home, and rather than simply let me, like a normal, well-adjusted child that neither of us ever were, he grabbed my ankle with one hand and the leg of the couch with his other and held on for dear life, laughing. And not just any laugh. A vindictive, mean, cackling laugh.

Well Sam was bigger than me by about half a foot (yes, we looked very awkward together, but we were both too sarcastic to be bullied so people pretty much just left us alone). I begged him to let me go so I wouldn't have to suffer the Bob and Cathie wrath, but he refused. And he held on until 5:30. And I was late. And Bob and Cathie pretended not to remember my name for a solid week.

Where was I. Broomfield. Which is possibly a real place, and which is not actually Boulder Colorado, even though I keep telling people that that's where he lives. This is similar to how I tell people I grew up in Salt Lake City even though I grew up in South Jordan which is almost the exact opposite of Salt Lake City.

Right now Sam is watching tennis, which means he is doing the thing that is exactly one step above watching golf and one step below going to the tile store with Matt on the list of most boring things a human person can do.

For reference:

5. Tile store with Matt.

4. Watching tennis on TV.

3. Watching golf on TV.

2. Fabric store with Cathie in 1993.

1. The movie The Horse Whisperer.

My flight leaves soon. Sam and I are nearly the same size now so I'm less concerned about him holding onto my ankle to keep me here.

~It Just Gets Stranger

39 comments:

  1. I live in Mexico, and I'm visiting Utah this week. I've been in Provo, Cedar Hills, American Fork, Draper, West Valley, and Salt Lake City thus far. I'll be adding Riverton to the list pretty soon.

    Anyway, an idle thought in the back of my head has been "What if Eli McCann?!"

    But now I know you're in Boulder *cough "Broomfield" cough "Bloomfield?"* so all of the thirtyish men with fabulous hair I've seen have actually been men with less-than-fabulous hair and not ever you. Good thing I didn't get my hopes up. Because that'd be weird. We are strangers after all. Well, we're actually Strangers and eighth cousins . . .

    Have a nice flight home! I hope you don't have to kick Sam to make your flight on time.

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    1. Michelle I'm so disappointed in you! You're a better stalker then that. Come on. You should have at least looked him up in the phone book, found his house and wrote "I was here. Signed...One of your stalkers" in lipstick on his window.

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    2. Not that Lee would know what STALKER or LIPSTICK is CATHIE!

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    3. um, awesomesauciness, I bet Lee knows what stalkers and lipstick are. Possibly even better than Cathie does. ;)

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  2. Everyone does that. For instance, I grew up in Kansas City... AKA I grew up an hour north in Savannah, MO.. population: 3 and about 500 square miles of farmland.

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  3. Hey I grew up in SoJo too! But if you tell people not from Utah they look at you funny, so as far as most of the world is concerned, you are from Salt Lake.

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  4. My brother lives in Broomfield; which doesn't actually prove that it's a real place, you never know with that guy..He could be making it all up and really be living in Bora Bora.

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    1. Are we sure your brother isn't "Sam"? You know those brothers of yours and their "names".

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  5. Tile stores with me are extremely fun. Anyone is welcome to test this theory, otherwise known as FACT.

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    1. I like going to hardware stores as well. He doesn't know what he's missing. We should totally go together if I ever get to Salt Lake city...THANKS CRAPPY CANADIAN DOLLAR FOR PREVENTING THAT...

      ...even though I'm going to Hawaii in 2 months...sshhh don't tell Salt Lake City.

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    2. It's MATT! With the dreamy, creamy, "smizing" green eyes! I dunno about "tile" stores with Matt, but I bet a trip to a "hardware" store with you would absolutely be "extremely" fun.

      Welcome to the comments section, Matt. Beware the Strangers.

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    3. Lee!!!!! Who told you that you were allowed to go to Hawaii without me!?!?!?!?!?!?!

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    4. Oh Matt. Be careful sending out an open invitation like that. There are strange women who just read that and muttered under their breath "I'd follow you ANYWHERE."

      ....Oh, just me?

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    5. Nicole! I've given you 2 months warning. Get your damn tickets and meet us in Maui!

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    6. Mental note...MATT MCDREAMY likes mint sweet tea and Home Depot....and puppy doodles with bad haircuts...

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    7. I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!!!

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  6. If you need any suggestions for shenanigans with Sam (not that we know what those are, Cathie), I have many ideas of Eli appropriate activities! Sure to end in unexpected nudity and hilarity for all!

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    1. Grace, I'm not sure how "unexpected" the nudity will be, if the "shenanigans" are "SURE TO END" with it! ;)

      "Inexplicable" maybe, except "because Eli".

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  7. Ever since I was almost murdered by drug dealers in a seedy motel in Denver, I don't trust anything or anywhere in Colorado. I feel like the whole state is a lie. Broomfield is probably code for underground bunker where no one can hear you scream.

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    1. I read this as 'Ever since I almost murdered a drug dealer...', which made your comment completely different than what you intended!

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    2. Well... Yeah... That was a different trip to Denver. And that guy totally had it coming!

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  8. I grew up in Waterford, MI - a town about 45 minutes north of Detroit and 45 minutes south of Flint. I've spent most of my post-high school life telling people that I did NOT grow up in Detroit.

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    1. My parents and my brothers' family live in Waterford! But I always just tell people Detroit. We look tougher that way, ha.

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    2. I live on Grosse Ile and make a point of saying half way between Detroit and Toledo. But I moved here after high school. And now I am ashamed to say that I tell people I grew up by Notre Dame (South Bend, Indiana) because no one knows where the frick Niles is and I got tired of the quizzical looks.

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  9. You're like 30 minutes away from me! Woo! You should go to Quaker Steak and Lube in Westminster and do the all you can eat wings while you're here. Get your picture taken and a t-shirt after doing the Atomic Challenge and tell us all about it. It would be like a sweet, vindictive revenge on the Q of C to chow on the wings of her offspring, all whilst keeping your hair perfectly coiffed.

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  10. I haven't lived in Salt Lake City (well, West Jordan) for almost 20 years, and only lived there for 7, but I gotta say, I'm still looking for possible Eli-sightings in the background of my childhood photos. It seems *just* coincidental enough to happen. Universe-being-weird, and all that.

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    1. Look for a very odd child doing something extremely embarrassing.

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  11. I say I'm from Salt Lake because I REALLY don't like how it goes when I say I'm from Kearns. "were you in a gang?" (while I'm in a graduate level course-at age 16) "you don't sound like you're from Kearns" (translation; you sound like a real person and not an inarticulate ape).

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    1. I'm an ultimate hypocrite on the issue. I'm an SLC snob who scoffs at suburb people who claim to live in SLC but in the next breath I say I grew up in SLC.

      "*YOU* don't live in Salt Lake City! *YOU* live in Kearns! *I* live in Salt Lake City. I also grew up here."

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  12. I was in Colorado too this weekend, in Aspen for the X Games! That may be the closest I ever get to Eli. Unless he ever decides to come to Atlanta where some of us do say y'all.

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  13. Well, I'm not from "Kearns" or "Salt Lake City" or "Bloomfield" or "Broomfield" or "Boulder" or "Schmoulder" (this is starting to sound like a Dr. Seuss book) or "Powhatan" or "Manhattan".

    NOT THAT I KNOW WHAT ANY OF THOSE PLACES ARE LIKE, CATHIE!

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  14. Living in Utah, I consider most everything between Salt Lake and Provo as Salt Lake City. But living north of there is a whole different story.

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  15. I'm actually the biggest snob when it comes to being from Salt Lake. I grew up in Salt Lake Salt Lake, downtown, five minutes from Temple Square, but because of people like you, when I say I'm from Salt Lake everyone assumes I'm from Draper or something. People not familiar with Utah don't understand how important the distinction between Salt Lake and its surrounding suburbs is, because they don't realize that they're basically different worlds.

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  16. Can Matt come to the tile store with me in Virginia? I have to buy ALL of the tile because I'm bringing my kitchen into this century. Come on, Matt! It'll be fun!

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  17. How did Sam not make you go to Casa Bonita!!

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  18. I grew up in Broomfield, went to Broomfield high school and everything. It's a real place, a quite awesome one.

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