Woman: Thai restaurant, can I help you?
Skylar: Yes, you can, thank you.
Woman: Ok . . . how can I help you?
Skylar: Well, my friend and I would like to have some Thai food tonight and we were wondering if that was possible, by chance.
Eli: [whispering] Why wouldn't that be possible?! Why are you wasting time with this question?!
Skylar: Shhhhhhhhh! I'm being polite!
Woman: I think that's possible. We are open until 10:00.
Skylar: Well, we are both very tired and so I don't think we are interested in dining in and so we wondered if it would be possible to order some food that we could pick up and then take home with us. IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE.
Eli: Just tell her you want to do a take-out order.
Skylar: That's what I'm trying to do!
Eli: Then just say "take-out!" You don't have to define it for her! She knows what that is!
Skylar: Be quiet!
Woman: Excuse me?
Skylar: Oh, not you. My friend keeps trying to talk over me. We're both very tired. We've had very long days. In different ways, though. Well, kind of in the same way. We are both tired from work, but we both do different things for work.
Eli: WHY ARE YOU TELLING HER ALL OF THIS!?
Skylar: I'm being polite!
Woman: So you want to order take-out?
Skylar: Oh, is that what you call it?
Woman: I think that's what everyone calls it.
Skylar: Well, in that case, I would like one order of Pad Thai.
Eli: TWO! You want TWO orders of Pad Thai!
Skylar: Stop it! I know what I'm doing!
Eli: You are ignoring my needs!
Skylar: And I would like that to be very spicy.
Woman: Ok. Anything else?
Skylar: Yes. Now I would like a second order of Pad Thai. And I would like that to be not as spicy.
Woman: So, two orders of Pad Thai? Anything else?
Skylar: Yes. [Skylar orders an absurd amount of additional food for himself, like he often does, and this makes no sense because he is a very thin man]
Woman: Ok. That will be ready for you to pick up in 15 minutes.
Skylar: Thank you! We will start driving over there soon. You are ten minutes away so we will leave in about five minutes so we get there in 15 minutes.
Woman: . . . ok. Bye.
Skylar: Bye!
Eli: Ok, sit down.
Skylar: I'm not looking for a critique on this.
Eli: Well then consider this a fun surprise. First, why are you sharing all of this personal information? Homegirl is not interested in why you want take-out.
Skylar: You don't know her! You don't know her needs!
Eli: Second, you don't need to explain the concept of take-out to them like it's a brand new idea that you came up for restaurants and you are letting them in on the ground level of your innovation.
Skylar: I don't know her! I don't know her life experience!
Eli: But most importantly, you ordered the food wrong.
Skylar: HOW. DARE. YOU. Wait, what?
Eli: You ordered it wrong. You're supposed to say, "I would like two orders of Pad Thai, one spicy and one not spicy."
Skylar: No. My way is the correct way. You order one of them first, and then you order the second one. EVERYONE knows that.
Eli: You sound like someone who has never spoken to other humans. You order the bundle of things, and then explain the caveats. It's more efficient this way.
Skylar: No. The way I did it is linear. It's easier for people to understand and remember, and it's the most effective way to make sure they get the order right.
Eli: You are unAmerican!
Skylar: You are unChristian!
Eli: I DON'T THINK WE'VE TAKEN THIS TOO FAR!
Skylar: I DON'T THINK WE'VE TAKEN IT FAR ENOUGH!
So, yeah. I need you guys to tell me who is right. Assuming you can make sense of the above.
P.S. Skylar just read this and called me "E-Liar!" which is a fun new name he has started using to combat my calling him "Skliar!" during this very hostile presidential campaign season.
P.P.S. This is an actual Facebook profile picture Skylar has used, so please take that into account as you weigh the credibility of our arguments listed above.
And speaking of two people hyperbolically arguing about a difference in opinion, enjoy this week's Strangerville Short about last night's presidential debate.
~It Just Gets Stranger
It would be impossible to fact check Eli all the time and still do all of my charity work with the children, so I've created a site where you all can go see the truth for yourself: http://skylarwest.blogspot.com/2016/10/fact-checkers-how-to-order-thai-food.html
ReplyDeleteThank you for this honest and non biased fact checking service. Eli's blog has long needed one.
DeleteThe victims of IJGS have needed a voice for a long time. Thank you for doing this. Daniel could have shut this place down if he had been so innovative a few years ago.
Delete#teamskylar
DeleteOMG I love you.
DeleteAlso, while both sides have merits and I have been an Eli fan-girl for almost half a decade now (omg Eli and I go like way back!!), I think you (Skylar) have a point: ordering this way eliminates confusion and helps with order accuracy. People are stupid: you have to lay things out for them.
Sorry Eli. Efficiency gets you two messed up orders of pad Thai.
Can we take a second to point out that I'm being accused of over-sharing, but Eli is the one with a blog that shares intimate details of his life (including the monster known as Tami)??!!
DeleteI'm not going to declare myself the winner, but if the left shoe fits and also the right shoe fits, then my method of explaining something may be better.
Skylar is now responding to his own comments. Can you say "desperate?"
DeleteEli, he's acknowledging his adoring public!!
DeleteY'all know that two things can be true, yes?
ReplyDeleteOh, and in case you didn't notice, I TOTALLY say "y'all". :)
ReplyDeleteKat,
DeleteI LOVE that you say y'all! You shall be my y'all buddy and we shall annoy all the y'all haters and they shall be ours. Muahahaha
I want to say y'all but I live in Connecticut. Pfft.
DeleteThe normal way to order:
ReplyDeleteHi, I'd like to place an order for pickup.
Two orders of pad thai, one spicy, one mild.
All the other food Skylar wants.
15 minutes?
Thank you!
The end.
P.S. Skylar, you might want to fire your fact checker. Eli's never wrong, and he definitely never exaggerates.
Excellent rebuttal, Skylar, though take my opinion with a grain of salt (or a tablespoon) because my husband accuses me of exactly the same oversharing. I think I would get along quite well with you AND your mother. Although it might be difficult for any of us to get a word in edgewise. Also I think Eli's way of ordering Pad Thai is the correct way BUT I usually get worried that they'll get it wrong when I order coffee at Dunkin Donuts (I'm usually right) so I say "One medium coffee with cream and sugar, and another medium coffee with cream and two Sweet n Lows" which admittedly sounds idiotic and redundant but as I mentioned, they still usually get something wrong so it can't hurt to be careful.
ReplyDeleteI vote Eli. How can I trust a Skylar spelled that way? (Instead of Schuyler.) Also, his name might actually be John. Clearly, he's trying to hide something here. Untrustworthy.
ReplyDeleteThis is the exact way my husband places orders on the phone or in person. It's why he's not allowed anymore. Also doctor's offices.
ReplyDeleteEli, you are in the right.
Ok, I can answer this question for you. If it's a scenario where the person is physically writing down your order, then you say "2 pad thai, one spicy, one not". If it's a scenario where they are entering your order into a computer, then you give each order separately so they don't have to go back and make corrections to one of the orders.
ReplyDeleteLove! This is so right Jaclyn!
DeleteAre you guys dating? It sure sounds like it! Either way, Eli is right...Eli is always right.
ReplyDeleteYou and jolyn are my favorite. The Short was just the light hearted silliness I needed after feeling frustrated from the debate.
ReplyDeleteWhen I order, I always have to order mine separately because I am a complicated woman. I am the person that everyone HATES to be seen with while ordering. If we order from the local pizza place, and I get a chicken cheesesteak, I save that for last, even if someone else is ordering one as well. Because...
ReplyDeleteChicken Cheesesteak - witout (that means no onions in Philly-ese, wit means with onions,) Extra Cheese, mushrooms, a side of buffalo Sauce, and a side of blue cheese. My husband gets embarrassed when we go out to eat most of the time.
First off...Um...
ReplyDeleteEli: I DON'T THINK WE'VE TAKEN THIS TOO FAR!
Skylar: I DON'T THINK WE'VE TAKEN IT FAR ENOUGH!
Aren't those two things the same?
Second, Skylar is weird. You are correct in this case. It should be "two order of pad thai, one spicy, one not."
Loving E-liar and Skyliar! And there are two ways to get up the barrel Eli ("Twice"). You're both right. But since I'm not one to overshare, Eli for the win.
ReplyDeleteI love how "Skylar" created a blog JUST to refute this post! Also, who is this John person?
ReplyDelete#imwithhim
ReplyDeleteI'm in love with this hashtag
DeleteLet's hope Skyler posts more often than Eli does on his mom's blog. Fortify is probably running Hillary Clinton's campaign now for all we know. Srsly.
ReplyDeleteEli - I was totally on board with you - and then I thought of how I order burritos for my husband and I at Taco Bell - one bean burrito with no onions and two bean burritos with extra onions. Linear is better. Sorry.
ReplyDelete