She comes to my house every two weeks. I never know what time, exactly, she'll be showing up. So it sort of feels like a ticking time bomb. Unfortunately sometimes I forget altogether that it's an Herminda day. This happened last time she came.
I still don't know how many minutes she heard of my twenty-two minute performance of the first twenty-two minutes of Hamilton wherein I do the men and women parts, including occasional beat boxing and sound effects that make very little sense and are not part of the original production.
All I know is that when I came out of the bathroom in a towel, dancing (also my own unique addition to the production), and caught somewhere in the middle of an excessively-vibrato'd and high-pitched "HELPLEEEEESSS," Herminda was finishing loading the dishwasher.
As a credit to her professionalism, she didn't even look at me when I screamed.
Herminda has tried to explain the schedule to me on several occasions, wanting even more than I want, to avoid these bi-monthly accidental encounters. At least I think she has. 99% of our conversations sound like this:
Herminda: Mira que cosa tiene la mujer esta E.T. telefono mi casa el es no gatos en america!
Eli: Gracias. I tu?
I wish I could communicate with her. Because I'd really like to explain the very complicated Mr. Ollie Pants situation, which sometimes I even have a hard time doing in English. For example, recently I bought a new iPhone.
Apple Store Woman: Oh, your dog is very cute!
Eli: Oh I don't have a dog.
Apple Store Woman: Then who is this white puppy on the lock screen of your phone? And on your phone wallpaper?
Eli: Oh. Yes. That's Mr. Pants. But he belongs to Matt Pants. Well, Pants is a name I made up for the dog. Then I gave it to Matt. Because Matt is his dad. But, like, adoptive father. Matt isn't married. Not that he would need to be. But it's a dog, so he couldn't give birth to a dog. Or anything because Matt is a man. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH HIS GENDER.
See? It's very difficult to explain.
I definitely don't know how to have that conversation in Spanish so when Mr. Pants isn't at my house on Herminda days (rare) she gets a concerned look on her face and says "donde esta doggy?" And then I try to explain that Mr. Pants doesn't actually live with me full time, but I think the concept of "joint custody" for a dog hasn't clicked for her yet. She usually just stares at me looking horrified, probably wondering if I just told her Ollie is dead.
It's probably better when Mr. Pants isn't there. She told my uncle Will that she loves having him, but I know the feelings are not mutual. Mr. Pants tried to maul Herminda once when she came through the door. He hates her.
And, no, this isn't because of something Herminda did when I wasn't there. He hated her the moment he met her. And, in fact, probably even before that.
Earlier this year Matt and I had to start recognizing the harsh reality that Mr. Pants is super racist, sexist, AND ageist against elderly Hispanic women.
Usually friendly to the point that he would gladly climb into the unmarked vehicle of a kidnapper who smells like peanut butter, earlier this year Mr. Pants tried to leap out of a shopping cart, barking at two elderly Hispanic women who were making a fuss over him at a furniture store.
We chose then to believe that Mr. Pants was just in a really bad mood that day, because nobody wants to think that their very white dog is a supremacist.
But we noticed a pattern over the next few months wherein Mr. Pants continued to bark at elderly Hispanic women in public.
We no longer wondered if he had a problem when he tried to chase Herminda out of the house the first time she came over.
I've wondered if maybe Mr. Pants has some bad memories that might be triggering this. He is a rescue dog (OMG WHO WOULD GIVE THIS AWAY)
We don't really know much about his history. So maybe he came from a home with an abusive elderly Hispanic woman? Is that a thing? Can dogs be trained to hate an entire type of person because of what they experienced as a puppy?
Now I'm really sad because I'm picturing Mr. Pants as a little orphan dog holding a sign on the side of the highway asking for treats.
It looks kind of like this.
Gosh I hope Matt gets pregnant again.
And now, please enjoy a Christmas-themed Strangerville Short, a story I told live at The Porch in 2013.
~It Just Gets Stranger
I think Herminda should be grateful you had a towel on at all. After all, you were presumably alone in your own house. Maybe remind her of that the next time!
ReplyDeleteCan someone teach me how to say that in Spanish?
Delete"A veces estoy desnudo sin necesitar una razón." Maybe something like that?
DeleteHa ha ha ha or maybe try: "Generalmente paso mis dias bailando y cantando desnudo en mi casa y a veces salgo en bicicleta en mis interiores!"
DeleteIt should be spelled "¿Y tú?". Not that this is a vital correction ... more of an FYI. So you can continue improving your Spanish. If desired.
ReplyDeleteIt's totally possible, we had a rescue dog for awhile that didn't like middle aged males, especially if hey were wearing baseball hats. We think he had been abused by a guy in a hat and he left him chained to an abandoned car with puncture wounds in him :( we eventually had to give him back because as much as he tolerated my dad, he would bark like CRAZY at any other male who entered the house
ReplyDeleteI am now very sad for this dog . . . . .
DeleteI know, it tore me up to give him back :( he was such a sweetheart to me, my sisters and my mom! He just wasn't a huge fan of guys that would come visit, the shelter sent him to another shelter that specialized in helping abused dogs overcome their fears, and find families that would suit them
DeleteGrowing up, we had a racist dog. She was a rescue dog and was as sweet as can be, but she HATED black men. We don't know her history before coming to us, but it is possible a black man had mistreated her. It was quite embarrassing.
ReplyDeleteFor future reference, I've found that a simple "that's my friend's dog" usually suffices in situations where you're questioned about a picture of a dog that isn't yours. Even if it's technically not a friend's dog and really just one that you saw being walked and creepily took a picture of. Not that I've ever done that.
ReplyDeleteBut isn't it just kind of Eli's personality to ridiculously over explain things that could have a simple response? Isn't that part of why we all love him?
DeleteDogs can definitely have prejudices against types. As another example, my aunts dog was terrified of tall white men. Not short, or average height, but if they were taller than average, this dog would go full on whimpering, shaking, curled up in a ball crying. Anyone else, perfectly friendly angel dog. It was sad to see.
ReplyDeletePerhaps some education is in order? Can you put together a slideshow for Mr. Pants featuring Frida Kahlo, Isabelle Allende and Sonia Sotomayor? I can send you the one I made for my grandpa.
ReplyDeleteMy in-laws have rescued a few dogs. One was terrified of men in leather jackets. Really random!
ReplyDeleteMy female greyhound has an obsession with workmen. Men in general, yes, but especially workmen. I'm pretty sure she'd sell me to be tortured for eternity to leave with any workmen that have been to my house.
ReplyDeleteI think your first order of business with Herminda needs to be explaining to her that tgere are in fact cats in america, you just have a dog instead. Also if she has a phone in her house maybe she can call you before she comes? Lo siento Herminda, pero yo no se cuando tu llegas, puedes llama antes de tu llegas? Y tambien son gatos in america mucho gatos senor ollie pants no esta un gato y no esta mi perro esta el perro de matt pants, pues pants no esta ese nombre pero ollie esta un perro y no esta mi perro ami me gusta ollie y quiero un perro pues no quiero un perro yo quiero ollie pants por que esta un perro muy bien ... yea that should help you out, oh but my spanish isnt great so preface this by saying lo siento mi espanol esta horrible
ReplyDeleteThank you! I've got a whole afternoon ahead of practicing my spanish!
DeleteOk I cringed, gotta help you here.
DeleteLo siento Herminda--no recuerdo los dias cuando vienes. Puedes llamar antes de venir?
And I would skip the gatos part but about Ollie you can say "el perro es de mi amigo pero a veces yo lo cuido."
My little white dog, Olive, who could be Mr. Pant's twin, is a strangely specific racist as well. We found this out by taking her to the airport where she only barked at Indian women and black men. We've had her since she was a puppy and I like to think have tried to teach her to be inclusive of all peoples, colors, and creeds, so maybe it's something in their little white dog genes
ReplyDeleteObviously go post a picture of this dog on Imzy right now.
DeleteLoved the Short! I had Swine flu that year too. It brought back some terrible memories.
ReplyDeleteI love your relationship with the Pantses. It takes a community to raise a child!
ReplyDeleteAlso, Ollie Pants is so damn cute that it's actually disgusting.
DeleteI just want to correct one thing here. The two Hispanic women were not elderly. One was her daughter probably late twenties or thirties, WHICH IS NOT OLD! So just for the record, Ollie is NOT ageist. He hates ALL hispanic women. And also short Asian women, I learned this week on our California trip.
ReplyDeleteI've found that some Hispanic people look very Korean to me. I think Ollie might have just been covering his basis in case the Asian woman was actually Hispanic.
DeleteAnonymous, are you my sister? You sound like my sister!
DeleteI know dogs do not see dark as well as light. So if a person is wearing a baseball hat that shades their eyes it can make the dog uncomfortable because they have a harder time reading their expressions. So maybe it's simply their vision is such that the detail of darker things is harder to see. Not that they are racist. Lol though I do believe dogs can be afraid of people, white men etc. So I assume it can be the other way but I know dogs owned by the same person their whole lives so no bad experience who do bark at people with darker skin. It's always been my theory it is just their vision that makes it harder to see their facial expressions? It would be weird for a dog to dislike every race other than white from a bad expirence.
ReplyDeleteWe currently have an a chihuahua named Hallel who has hated people of color her entire life. We DID NOT teach her this. When she was a puppy we housed 25 youth group students weekly for a church group and had all manner of ethnic groups represented...weekly...and loved them all. She hated anyone who wasn't white of skin, even though she herself in theory is Mexican. She's 12 now and still carries on with that same hatred, much to our embarrassment and confusion. Get used to making apologies, Eli!
ReplyDeleteMy dog (who is a boy dog named Grandma) hates black men and Mexicans of all descriptions... Unless they're wearing fluorescent green like road workers. It's probably because he knows they're friendly and can help him cross the street without me or something.
ReplyDeleteMy cat is an equal-opportunity hater. He hates everyone.
ReplyDeleteI really love you.
DeleteThat's the best thing about cats, you don't have to give explanations, they generally hate everyone except those that hate them, for some reason they always seem attracted to the people who dislike cats. Or maybe they are taunting them... now I'm not so sure
DeleteHey Eli, your tweet is on here http://www.someecards.com/entertainment/celebrities/fidel-castro-florence-henderson-deaths-related/
ReplyDeleteNOT THAT WE KNOW WHAT TWITTER IS.
DeleteMy dog growing up hated babies. So, I guess he was ageist too. But he also hated witnessing high fives, hugs, and prayers.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience with elderly Hispanic women (of which I have a lot- my husband is a Peruvian immigrant), they tend to be very in-your-face about it when they want to give attention. And loud. Ollie is friendly by all your accounts but I think most adults are going to be a little cautious and not run right up in a strange dog's face and maybe give him a moment to decide if he likes them first, whereas Spanish grannies will be all "AY QUE LINDO!!!"-ing all up in a dog's face before he has a minute to think.
ReplyDeleteBarking not cowering? He's warning either you or them. Maybe it's jealously. Maybe you are extra friendly or show obvious interest in Hispanics. Be honest now, you really have a thing for older Hispanic women don't you? Matt must be a little more ambiguous on his preference thus the varying ages and ethnicities. Could be jealousy, not racism.
ReplyDelete