It was suspicious to me, anyway, because when I told him I was on my way but needed to run an errand he seemed disappointed but then refused to explain why.
Eventually I got it out of him. He had locked himself out of the house. I don't know how he did it, exactly. But I had several sudden flashbacks to living with Rebecca when he admitted it and it only seemed fair to give him the same mean-spirited and demoralizing lecture I used to give her on a weekly basis.
I am going to be such a good parent if any of you die and give me your kids.
By the time I made it home, a rainstorm had moved in and Skylar was hiding under the covered patio in the backyard.
He followed me to the door, looking ashamed, AS HE SHOULD, and that's when I discovered that I also did not have a key to get into the house.
In my rush to leave that morning, I grabbed a key chain that inexplicably has a car key and a key to Lynne's house, but no key to my own home.
Fortunately I have given my key out to about eleventy hundred people. Unfortunately, as we called down the list, no one was available to get a key to us for at least an hour and a half.
I knew Lynne had a key, but I was also aware that she was taking a nap inside her house and had her phone off. Lynne is a flight attendant and does mostly long international trips so she's in a constant state of jet lag and usually doesn't even know what year it is.
Look.
I'm warning you right now.
You should never give me a key to your house. I will absolutely abuse the privilege.
So will Skylar, apparently.
Because the next thing I knew, we were literally tip-toeing through Lynne's home, riffling through drawers, and gathering up the surprisingly large collection of keys that looked like they might go to my house.
Several trips back and forth later we finally just gave up and collapsed into a couple of chairs on the covered patio.
The rain was letting up by this point. And that's when I remembered that I had left a window unlocked earlier in the day.
And before you read on, robbers, you should know that we are typically very obsessive about locking windows, we have an alarm system and a very vicious dog who has killed before and will do it again, and this particular window is very hard to reach.
But most importantly, the window is such that only a very small child can get through it.
Fortunately I had Skylar with me.
He didn't hustle to let me in, by the way.
And now, please enjoy a story from Jolyn Metro.
This time in Strangerville, Jolyn takes the Strangerville Live stage to read us some of her favorite middle school journal entries. Also, Meg’s children were meant to PERFORM.
Story
Potato Water, by Jolyn Metro
~It Just Gets Stranger
Oh, I have totally named you in my will to get all my children and my three legged pup if I die. Mostly because of Duncan, and because my sister lives in Africa. And also because Skylar is my favorite. But also because of you and your hair, so you should totes feel good about that! Thanks for reminding me to tell you that big news. Also, I just put a key to my house in the mail. I fully expect you to help me out next time I am locked out of my house. Or mail me Skylar so I can put him through the windows. Thanks. You really ARE the best.
ReplyDeleteNot even gonna reply to this.
DeleteI mean, anymore than I just did.
How about this... we fake our deaths in some way, leave all eight kids in the care of Eli, Skylar, Duncan, and probably a bit of Bob and Cathie. When they have raised all eight past the "difficult ages" (say, like, six days or so? I would start to miss my kids any longer than that.)we return from Bali or wherever we were and they make a movie of our lives! I say once we get this plan approved by Jeff and Devin let's do it!
DeleteReal talk now, Eli: Can you actually leave your children to people with them unaware? Or do they have to sign some sort of agreement to doing it? Like... could you leave Duncan to Paul Simon in your will, and someday he just gets a phone call that he has to go pick up this little dog? Or is it one thing to leave someone your children without them knowing, and another to leave your children to someone who doesn't even know you or them? How does this work?
Amy - it's been done in the movies so it has to be legal .....right!?!?!?!
DeleteYou can have my kid . . . do you want him now?
ReplyDeleteI forgot to mention that part of the deal is that you name me as the sole beneficiary of a huge life insurance policy.
DeleteI can do that. As long as we transfer guardianship now and don't have to wait until we're dead . . .
DeleteEli you're starting to sound like my exhusband who used to regularly remind me that I was worth more financially to him dead than alive. Don't be creepy.
DeleteYou know that all I've ever wanted is to be an ex-husband to you, The Suzzzzzz.
DeleteSo you WANT me to WANT you to die in a car fire? That's weird...
DeleteI constantly remind my husband that I get to be a millionaire if he dies. When he got a motorcycle I very emphatically told him he was not allowed to injure himself to the point of disabled. Either he doesn't get hurt at all or he dies - no middle ground is acceptable.
DeleteMaybe invest in a keyless lock? I mean we did it for the kids (I was less worried about my oldest losing his key and more worried about him losing his entire backpack). It's super cool and I never have to worry about a house key!
ReplyDeleteI concur this is super helpful. We probably should change our code though since we've given it out to so many people who we probably no longer want to have access to our home . . .
DeleteThey now have bluetooth locks, as your phone approaches it automatically unlocks the door.
DeleteThe series of pictures just made me laugh out loud.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me that I need to either find out from the previous owners what the code for my garage keypad is, or ask the googles how to change it to my own code.
ReplyDeleteI had a brand new garage keypad and I couldn't get it to work using the instructions that came with it from the manufacturer. So I googled it and still couldn't get it to work. But Youtube had all the answers. Skip google and go straight to Youtube.
DeleteMy husbuns is a garage door guy. He can tell me how to tell you how to change the code. He does it all the time. If you're interested, I'll shoot you an email.
DeleteThanks! I ended up finding a WikiHow that solved things pretty well. YouTube is definitely the fount of all how-to knowledge, but it's down the list for me because I hate having to wait for all the inane gabbing before they get to the info I need. :P
DeleteWe (we as in my husband) have locked ourselves out of our house enough times that we finally put in a lockbox that has a code and is only big enough to hold a key. Best $20 on Amazon ever.
ReplyDeleteAnd btw, when someone asks you do you have everything and you say yes.. everything includes the house keys. Don’t inform the person as they are locking and closing the door at that moment you don’t in fact have the house keys. Doh! $150 locksmith later.
Side note: I’m traveling to Utah for work and I’m planning to bring small children to drop off your house. No life insurance policy with them but they have a great work ethic and will pick up dog poo. Win Win.
Ha! Flashback time! A hundred years ago when I was in middle school, I had an honor band concert about 90 minutes from home. My dad was working and my mom rode to the concert with my grandparents (who lived across the road from us). We stopped for coffee and pie after the concert (yes, I am from Iowa) and headed back home. Upon arrival, we discovered that my grandmother had left her purse at the restaurant and that the house key was in that purse. We had to break a window because they were all locked. I outfitted myself in my grandfather's coveralls (ask me the difference between overalls and coveralls), and was shoved unceremoniously through the window. Like your's, it was several feet off of the ground so it involved a ladder and my grandfather pushing my feet to wedge me through! Happy times. Good thing we lived in the country or someone would have called the police for sure.
ReplyDeleteTwo stories: Brandon's comment of reprogramming his garage key pad is soooo timely as my mother just called me yesterday (as I'm in Park City running a conference) to ask what the code is. I haven't had time to YouTube it and reprogram the thing. Also, she lost ALL the keys to the house when we bought it back in July and I also haven't had time to change out the door knobs. So she had to drive all the way up to Park City from North Salt Lake to get my garage door opener to get back in the house (as I wouldn't be home until the next day's afternoon).
ReplyDelete2nd story - there may have been a few weeks where I locked myself out of my apartment at least 3 times, twice within a week. It was a 2nd floor apartment so I'd leave my living room window unlocked (mostly because of my track record).
My brother and sis-in-law lived in the apartment next to me so on one such occasion I had her drive her minivan right up along side of the building so I could climb on the roof and launch myself through the window onto my couch.
Oh, I've locked my keys in my car twice in two weeks. I called a DIFFERENT locksmith the 2nd time but the same guy showed up and as he got started he said "have I done this for you before" "yessss, I groaned". "why didn't you use the spare key I made you?" "what spare key?" "Oh, I didn't make you a spare? I'll make you two this time". Problem is, those spares would be in my dresser drawer, inside my apartment, that is probably locked, with the key being on the ring, locked in the car.