At Least Learn the Words if You're Going to Sing It.

The other day I got a phone call from my three-year-old niece, AKA "The Child Who Hates Me." Our rocky relationship hasn't improved much during the course of her almost four-year life. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I've tried everything you people have told me to do. IT'S LIKE SHE DOESN'T EVEN APPRECIATE ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS HAIR.

So I was surprised, and excited, when I realized it was her on the other end. Then the most hysterical and adorable phone conversation that has ever happened took place.

Emrie: Hi, Ailai [Eli].

Eli: Hey kiddo! What's happening, girlfriend!

(Eli suddenly feels embarrassed for saying "girlfriend" because he's worried that it's going to look like he's trying too hard. His palms become sweaty.)

State of the Union, Spring

About six months ago I moved back from Palau to the United States of God Bless America. And when I did, I had a hard time updating you all on the millions of life changes that happened at once AND keep talking about how Trixy Meowman's most recent grooming went. I got a bunch of questions at the time from Strangers who were starting to feel like my general and consistent story-telling was reaching the nonsensical level of Glee. So I finally did a post called "State of the Union" to give you a quick answers to some of your questions.

I realized recently as I glanced back through the past couple of months on Stranger that while I have posted regularly, there are some pretty significant life changes that I have failed to discuss. As a result, you guys aren't completely aware of absolutely everything that I'm doing all of the time always. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'RE FUNCTIONING!

Palau Meets Salt Lake City

Last week my worlds collided. And it was really strange.

One of the boys from Palau, whom I got to know very well working with the church kids for one year, flew into Salt Lake City on Monday. Skarlee is starting a two-year Mormon mission in Australia, but, in what must be the most indirect path to Australia, they had him fly to Utah first to spend a few weeks in a training center. I was asked to pick him up at the airport.

I was ecstatic to do this. I've missed Skarlee greatly in the six months (CAN YOU BELIEVE IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS!?) since I left the land of coconuts. Skarlee is one of the kindest and most remarkable young men I have ever met. He comes from very very rough home circumstances and has had more challenges in his 19 years of life than most people probably would in 100 years. But he is upbeat and kind and charitable. And I'm going to try to stand right next to him on the Great and Terrible Day of the Coming of the Lord in hopes that he gets to choose one friend to take with him on his exotic reward vacation for being one of the top 10 best people who has ever lived.

Messing with People on Tinder

Last week I was hanging out with my friend Brandt at his place. Then I took his phone and started Tindering for him. In case you're unaware, Tinder is what the kids are calling a "dating app" for the phone where you connect with people based on whether or not you think they are attractive and then you start chatting with them. Brandt, being the beautiful man of wonder that he is, has many Tinder matches. But after I got done contacting these matches, he probably won't have many Tinder dates.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Happy weekend, Strangers. I just ran on a treadmill for 90 minutes. It was the worst 90 minutes of my life. Besides every 90-minute period of every single scout camp I ever went on.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

My new sunglasses and old duck face. I texted this picture to Jolyn 20 times in one day. She never responded and I haven't heard from her since.

Owls

Last Thursday I got a text from Jolyn.

"Eli, could you please accompany me to something tonight?"

I know better than to ever accept any invitation from Jolyn without first finding out every detail possible and then forcing her to sign an affidavit swearing that as far as she knows the chances of me being killed or imprisoned during the course of the adventure are at least as low as they were before she became involved in my life.

So I responded:

"Not without a lot more detail than that, dear."

Krisanda's Birthday

Today is my sister Krisanda's birthday. She's turning 21 again. All four of Bob and Cathie's children started turning 21 every year sometime around 2010. It's been great to be the same age finally.

Krisanda is my middle sister. She is also the sister who has most consistently lied to me throughout my life. For example, for over a decade she had convinced me that we once had an older sister named Christine who was killed in a car accident on the way home from a beauty pageant and had since haunted the basement singing Whitney Houston songs.

I thought I was 1/4 Mexican until I was 14.

Once she made me perform a series of very uncomfortable poison control remedies because she thought a drop of cleaning solution had landed in my mouth. Although, to be fair, I don't think she was playing a joke on me on that one. I think she legitimately thought I was going to die.

Cuddle Texts

One Stranger, Amy V., emailed me on Friday a link to a Craigslist ad by a man looking for a beautiful woman to "cuddle" and "snuggle" and "intimacy." He required that she be between the ages of 18 and 40. His whole ad seemed really creepy. Like, the end-up-on-the-news kind of creepy. So I texted him.

In anticipation to your questions, the picture he tried to send to me did not go through. But, it didn't really matter.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

It's Friday again. And I'm feeling kind of sad. What better way to cure the blues than through some pictures and distractions?

Happy weekend, Strangers.

Anna Swayne and I have mastered the biking selfie. 

Don't Let Strangers Borrow Your Phone

The other day I went to a coffee shop to do some writing and I sat down at a table right across from the biggest man I have ever seen in my entire life. He was from Ghana and he was wearing a lot of clothes that I was pretty sure were traditional for Ghana. Or maybe they're what's "in" right now and I don't know that because I've stolen enough clothes from former roommates in my life that I pretty much never have to set foot inside of a clothing store anymore.

Seriously. I'm wearing a belt I stole from Daniel right now (surprise, Daniel!) and a shirt that . . . I don't know where I got it but I'm one million percent sure I didn't buy it. Also it has someone's initials written on the tag. T.M.?

After writing for a little while, I was interrupted by this man who asked whether he could borrow my phone "to make a really quick phone call" to his friend.