Sunday, August 25, 2013

You May Eat a Human

I've taken to treadmill running recently. I go through phases every once in a while where running along the road somewhere seems about as fun as spending the day rubbing lotion onto my great grandma's feet while she tells me about her sexual exploits from the 1920s.

Gosh I don't miss Saturdays in college.

In Palau, where there is basically one road, and where it is so hot and humid ALL THE TIME ALWAYS, and where stray dogs and drunk drivers frequently threaten to off you on the four inches of shoulder on which one can run, the motivation to switch to treadmill running can feel particularly compelling.

I started using a treadmill just down the street from where I live about two months ago. This thing has become like my new best friend/worst enemy. I hate it but I love it.


I noticed the first time I used this treadmill that it not only counts the number of calories burned, but it also displays a picture of a food item, subtitled in Japanese characters, that you can apparently consume based on how far you've gone. It starts off with pieces of candy, then moves on to coffee, advancing to a banana, meandering through a bunch or horrifying-looking options that I can only imagine are truly authentic Japanese cuisines, and on and on.


Perhaps the good thing about this treadmill is that it frequently causes me to run farther than I had planned because I just want to see which food item comes next. I had discovered quickly, for example, that at around five kilometers I have earned the right to consume a piece of cheesecake. The next time I ran I went a bit further, discovering that the following option is some other kind of cake. After that, a hamburger. Pretty soon, a large fish with crazy eyes. By ten kilometers, a plate of pasta. Just after that, an ice cream sundae.

The ice cream sundae is the farthest I've made it so far.

Eventually this treadmill has to run out of food items, right? Eventually you reach the ultimate grand prize for exercising, surely. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT THAT IS. I'm not interested in getting the exercise or being healthy anymore. I'm only interested in beating the game.

I hope the final option is something disturbing, like "person."

Last night I was running on that treadmill, headphones in, and totally in the zone, doing my best to get to my desired food item. When I did, I yelled out, "CHEESECAKE!" and pumped both fists into the air like I had just won a gold medal in the Olympics.

I hit "stop" and turned around to find four Japanese people staring at me.

~It Just Gets Stranger

24 comments:

  1. The post title is really dark, but the concept is basically what I've been telling my American gym teachers since FOREVER. It's not about the climb, unlike what Mylie Cyrus told us. It's about the PRIZE. There is no incentives in American gym classes, but if we could play video games in gym WHILE exercising... Well, American high schoolers would be WAY healthier.

    We need this treadmill.

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  2. If you don't want to keep running to see what the last item is just leave the treadmill on and sit next to it until it shows you all the foods.

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    1. But that's cheating. It defeats the purpose of the game!

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    2. Unfortunately this treadmill has an obnoxious sensor that makes it shut down if you stop running. It's like they knew people would try this.

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    4. There is only one way you could have known about this Mr! You make me laugh ;)

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    5. Maybe you could bring multiple people with you? That way, when one person gets too tired to keep going, they can switch off with someone else... you'll see the last food item eventually! :D

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  3. I lived in China for decades, and had a Chinese treadmill. I used it a lot; no food items to run for... but now that it's been a year since I gave it away, I find I miss staring at a screen on which I could understand very little of what it was saying - since it was in Chinese, and metric. Seeing your picture brings back fond, nostalgic memories. As they say to the runner, in Chinese, 加油 (Jia You - you is pronounced "yo") which means literally "add gas" and is used to spur on the runner! Jia Yo, Stranger!

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    1. I'm totally going to try this on my Mandarin-speaking friend when I want him to hurry up. ;)

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  4. You could do like a tag team effort, so that the machine never stops. You could start out, then someone else comes onto the treadmill at the same time, then you scoot off really fast, like a ninja would move. Just please remember to wear clothes - it's not the salon, ya know. :0 Just a thought and just tryin' to help out.

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  5. I think as a prize the treadmill should actually produce the food item on the screen, that is a lot of motivation to get past the crazy fish eyes! You gotta choose your distance wisely!

    I hate running on a treadmill more than anything, but I have a feeling the food thing would motivate me!

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  6. Unless it's dispensing the cheesecake, I'm not interested.

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  7. If my treadmill had this I would love to play that game. But it would have to randomly change to keep it interesting.

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  8. That is the best thing ever. My treadmill gives a number of calories but never tells me what food that equates to. I mean, how many calories is a human? Enquiring minds want to know.

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  9. See, that's what you need an intern for. ou: "Jane, look, I'll need you to run on this treadmill and document every food that comes up on the screen." Jane: "Sure, for how long?" You: "YES!"

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  10. This is the most amazing treadmill I've ever heard of! o.O It would be Japanese. Love the Japanese!

    I am not a runner. Period. If the zombie apocalypse happened, you'd have to leave me behind with the extra ammo or perhaps a Michael Jackson Thriller outfit to trick them into dancing. But this treadmill... this could actually motivate me to try running.

    I look forward to finding out what's after ice cream sundae. ^_^

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  11. My treadmill needs this. The 5K today was totally unmotivating, and you are totally whipping my time...

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  12. The way I have gotten motivated to run on the treadmill is from the Zombies, RUN! app. You have missions and have to keep running to stay ahead of the zombies. The people on the treadmills behind me probably wonder why I keep looking back at them with a terrified look on my face and start running faster...

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    1. I have debated for AGES whether or not to buy that app! Why?
      1. I'm not a runner. Yet the app sounds hilariously tempting.
      2. It's usually $8 unless it goes on sale for $4. $4 seems like a lot for a running app when I'm not a runner.

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    2. I debated for a long time as well and finally got it when it was $4. I love it!! It really does give you motivation to run. I used to only run tops ten minutes but now I do half an hour at a much faster pace. I think the $4 is worth it. You get a lot of missions to start out and if you love it you can buy more but if it was only "meh" for you then you don't have to.

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  13. I think that would be the coolest treadmill ever. The only thing cooler would be if the entire thing was about running away from zombies. Which, I would totally get eaten every time.

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  14. I don't like treadmills. I don't think I'd get past the glass of water prize.

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  15. That is hilarious! I want that treadmill!

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