Thursday, October 17, 2013

Roommate Assessment

Val: Kurt, what's it like living with Eli?

Kurt: It's a little challenging.

Eli: Guys? I'm right here.

Val: Shush. The grownups are having a conversation.

Kurt: It takes a lot of energy and I don't always understand why the things that are happening in my life are happening.

Val: I bet. Is it ever scary?


Kurt: Scary? I don't know if that's the right word. It's just weird and--

Eli: I'LL HAVE YOU BOTH KNOW THAT I'M A VERY GOOD ROOMMATE!

Kurt & Val: [Patting my shoulder] Ok, Eli. Whatever you say.

Val: Well, we're all really proud of you for fighting the good fight. Also, you've done such a great job. Most of us had prepared ourselves for a lot of chaos to reenter our lives with his return. But it's been relatively pleasant.

Kurt: I've absorbed a lot of that--

Eli: A VERY GOOD ROOMMATE!

Val: Eli. What do you provide that makes you "a VERY good roommate?"

Eli: I cook dinner!

Kurt: No. I do that.

Eli: I make SUCH funny jokes!

Kurt: Eh.

Eli: I'm VERY quiet!

Kurt: No. You sing ALL the time. ALL the time. ALWAYS. SINGING. ALL. THE. TIME. And when you forget words, you "meow" them. Why? Who does that?

Eli: Well I'm doing that for you! It's for your entertainment. You're welcome, by the way.

Val: Wow. Way to spin that.

Eli: My voice gets really tired. But it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make all of the time.

Kurt: My ears get tired. And that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make none of the time.

Val: None of this is a surprise.

Kurt: The worst part is his bedroom. It looks like a tornado has busted through it. Every single day.

Eli: Well maybe it wouldn't look like that if someone would take the initiative and clean it!

Kurt: That will never happen.

Val: Well, thanks for letting me know how bad it is, Kurt. If there's anything we can do to help, please let us know.

Eli: Why do I feel like I just experienced a parent-teacher conference?

~It Just Gets Stranger

30 comments:

  1. My roommate meows/whines every time she is unhappy with something I do. I complain so she doesn't become so full of herself, but I secretly find it hilarious. I bet Kurt is just hiding the fact he loves your singing to keep you from getting a big head. He's being a good roommate and helping you be a better person. You should reward him with more singing and know that every time he complains, he is really saying "thank you for being so funny and making my life better".

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's a little strange to me that you can be so philosophically adult in some of your posts and be so proud of acting like a child in other posts. You're an interesting human.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He is an awesome human.

      Delete
    2. I don't know whether this is intended to be an insult, but in case it is, Eli is the kind of person I wish more people were like.

      Delete
    3. Here, here, Brad. I want to surround myself with people who know how to be "philosophically adult" about their coming of age experiences and serious problems but then are able to be proud of their child-like attributes in almost the same breath. I love this blog. It makes me laugh and think and then laugh some more. Keep up the good work, Eli, and don't let the Jon's of the world stop you from providing something that means a lot to a lot of people.

      Delete
    4. What I don't understand is why everyone took offense at Jon's statement. It isn't qualitative in any way, simply observational. I happen to agree with Jon. Eli has his moments at both extremes. He's human, and he's honest about that and his journey. That is what continues to make this blog compelling and engaging. Observing the interesting balance that is Eli's personality isn't a criticism in itself.

      Also: you don't have to love everything about a person all the time to enjoy who they are.

      Delete
    5. Thank you last Anonymous writer. I was going to say the same thing. There's nothing wrong with what Jon wrote

      Geez, some of you people jump down others' throats if they say anything remotely against what perceive Eli to be. It's becoming like facebook here, where if you don't validate everything Eli says than you should be damned. He's said it himself many times...he even made a blog about not wanting validation about everything he says, and that if he says something that's not kosher or whatever, not to be afraid to call him out on it.

      People can have opinions, even if they're negative or in between. Not every comment needs to be us patting him on the back for everything he says. Chill out.

      Delete
  3. Thank you for making my morning just a little better. I think you are awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  4. If I weren't married I'd want to be your roommate. I don't know if you'd want to wear my clothes though.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have the BEST roommate, I refer to her as my wife/non-sexual life partner, she cooks, cleans, does the dishes, basically does everything that I hate doing; the only thing she doesn't do is my laundry. I have never asked her to do any of this, and I have offered multiple times to help and told her she doesn't have to do everything, but she says she doesn't mind at all! So, Eli, I would hate to lose my wife, but if you ever move to Brooklyn, she is single.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You should have mentioned the lamps when you were explaining why you're a good roommate!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Meow me meow meow meoooow meoooow me-ow meowww meow

    ReplyDelete
  8. I want to live with you guys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your friends are boners. I want to be their co-boner. A coner, if you will.

      Delete
  9. You really do make a LOT of sacrifices for that guy...

    ReplyDelete
  10. You either have a poor memory or you live in a sitcom that won't live past its pilot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment doesn't make any sense.

      Delete
  11. This is my first time writing a comment, but I absolutely love this blog. It makes my days!! Thanks for being an awesome and funny person!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I don't comment often either, but, you're hilarious. I always get a good laugh and think your jokes are funny! Thanks for writing :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'll jump on the bandwagon too and just say that this blog is often the highlight of my day. You never cease to impress me.

    ReplyDelete
  14. It's okay, Eli. Everyone has their quirks. It was really hard when Natasha first moved here from Russia and didn't know a lick of English; it was especially hard because we had just gotten married and I didn't feel right about just leaving her. The solution came through the kid's tv show, Dora the Explorer. Tash and I would sit down each morning at 9 a.m. and watch it together. Instead of her trying to learn English or me learning Russian, we learned limited Espanol together. Dora never taught us how to say things like "did you pay the bills on time this month," or "why haven't you ironed my shirt yet?" But I know that Tash loves me when she says things like "zapatos" (shoes), "vaca" (cow), and "usurero" (loan shark). You and Kurt should try something new together. Oh, Tash wants to say "David enciende gatos en el fuego por diversión," (sorry, don't know that translation, she's been watching more seasons than I have).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Part of me sincerely wants to believe you are not being satirical, and part of me thinks you are being satirical, but either way, your comments I've noticed have been hilarious. :)

      Delete
  15. Eli...I love your blog, and I read it regularly and laugh really hard.
    I think you need to get married. Just think, your sweet little wife will make you dinner and do the laundry and clean the house with you, and you won't ever have to worry about irritated roommates.:) Just a thought.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm CRYING with laughter! Hahaha gosh I love this blog, always manages to make me laugh at inappropriate times :)

    ReplyDelete