Wednesday, December 4, 2013

A Horrifying Announcement

I have a really big and terrifying announcement.

I'M PREGNANT.

See? Now it's funny because I make the joke so often. Pretty soon you guys are going to be begging me to tell you that I'm pregnant because you just need a good laugh.

Actually, though, my real announcement is a serious one. And one that I will need your undivided attention for for the next ten months. There will be lots of drama in the near future. Lots of complaining. Lots of me acting like this was all thrust upon me at no choice of my own.

I've signed up for another Ironman race.

I know, guys. I remember what happened last time. I was there. I was the one who wrote all of those posts. They constituted some of the best complaining of my life. I'm still being considered for whatever is the opposite of the Nobel Peace Prize for what I had to say about the swimming portion alone.

Note: For those of you who are new since I last attempted an Ironman race in May 2012 (hipster Strangers roll their collective eyes), let me give you a quick summary. This way you won't have to go back and read extra and point out grammatical errors from a year and a half ago.

Daniel and I trained for the 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride, and marathon run over the course of 20 weeks despite having never competed in a triathlon of any kind whatsoever. Daniel was a mutant in the water and was somehow able to swim faster than the Titanic when it hit that iceberg (also, they were similar in size). I flopped around like your toddler in the kiddie pool.

Race day arrived and a freak wind storm almost killed us in the lake, but we got through the swim portion. The winds continued until we were both disqualified for missing the time cutoff after 70 or so miles on the bike. And we returned to Salt Lake City, packed all of our things up, and left the country for one year in order to recover from it. AND to hide from all the paparazzi.

I remember it clearly. I remember honestly thinking I might drown in the lake. I remember the long Saturdays during the winter, riding stationary Spin bikes at the gym, hoping that this was adequate training for the actual race day. I remember the tears of frustration when it was all over.

I set the goal a long time ago to complete an Ironman race by age 30. I guess I always envisioned that this meant that I would complete the race while in my 20s. But since I moved to Palau right after my last attempt and am now 29, finishing a race while in my 20s is now impossible. So I'm pretending like the goal all along was to complete one AT 30.

Sometimes the best way to reach your goals is to change them constantly to match what is just happening in your life anyway. This is like moving the basketball hoop around to catch the ball. Sorry I used a sports analogy. I had no business doing that. I don't even know what basketball is. Is that the one with the trident?

I'll turn 30 in May and the race will be in Tahoe in September. And my funeral will be sometime around September 30. Cathie will be performing a haunting rendition of "Lady in Red" at it, so you'll definitely want to make sure to be there.

~It Just Gets Stranger

43 comments:

  1. I pre-mourn for the loss of your happiness.

    BTW, my husband and I "meow'd" songs in the car last week... it was hysterical.

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  2. Will they let you do an Ironman while you're pregnant, Eli? Oh, I see. You'll have had the baby by September. I hope Kurt is up for raising your child after the Ironman kills you. ;)

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  3. Will Daniel Compete With You?

    Why Is Your Site Capitalizing Every Word In My Comment?!?! I'm An English Teacher And I Can't Take It!!!

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    1. Yes, Daniel! Eli - sign Daniel up too. Tell him that the Stranger fans ask...no, demand it!

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  4. OMG. This means I have to avenge myself. I did one sprint triathlon with great success in 2012. 2013 I didn't make it through the swim because the waves in the ocean were so rough that I totally panicked. Mighty oaths of "Never Again" were made and I was going to kick tri-butt and I was going to be the best sprint triathlete to grace the Atlantic coast come September 2014. Then I just about talked myself out of it. (Injuries, sloth, etc) Curses, Eli. Now I have to do it. My mantra for the first tri when I hated every last minute of training was, "If Eli can do it, I can do it."

    I'm blaming you for all of it. And I won't be at your funeral.

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  5. No, no. Basketball is the one with the onions that you hang from your belt. Everyone yells 'Yahtzee!', when someone gets knocked off their pogo sticks. Also everyone's on pogo sticks. The losing team then weaves baskets made up if a mixture of cat fur and horsetail for the winning team. Then the winning team clips all the onions off of the losers belts, gathers them up in the cathorse hair baskets and deliver them to a local orphanages. When the final basket is delivered, everyone yells 'Yahztee!!', one last time and then goes out for borscht. Borsh. Borcht. Porch. None of them look right to me.

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    1. The correct way to spell that would be borscht. I should know. I'm Russian.

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    2. In Russia, maybe! In Ukraine we spell it "borshch." And that's where the stuff comes from anyway.

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    3. This sounds like a fantastic youth group activity!

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    4. Just inherited a cat, have lots of extra cat hair if anyone needs any!

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    5. bridge - I mock your claims of having lots of extra cat hair with one cat in your house.

      I have a blended family. When my husband and I got married, we each had a Maine Coon (very furry) cat and an American shorthair. When a kitten was found outside our groomer's place, my husband couldn't resist bringing her home. This sounds like one of the word problems my 7 year old is learning to do right now. 2+2+1=5 cats, 3 litterboxes, and vacuuming every room of the house every other day. Unless your one cat sheds and replenishes her entire coat every single day, I would think that the amount of cat hair you have to deal with is pretty minimal.

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  6. I have a killer interpretive dance for Lady in Red. It would put the "fun" in funeral. Although I hope you make it through, I kind of want to perform it in a public setting.

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  7. I am looking forward to reading your journey! I too had the same goal, Ironman before 30, my goal was altered to Ironman AT 30. You can and will do this, it will be one of the toughest and varied journies but it will be SO WORTH IT! You go girl!!!

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    1. Wait when did It Just Gets Stranger become a girl? I guess it really did just get stranger.

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    2. Maybe Megan just started reading, and was confused by the whole 'pregnancy announcement' thing? Or...? Yeah, I don't know.

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  8. I will be doing next year's Tough Mudder. I will empathize with your whining, as I'm putting myself through hell as well. Perhaps I will whine right along with you. SUMMON THAT INNER "GRRRRR!"

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  9. Excited for the upcoming posts!

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  10. That's not funny because I used to joke at work about being pregnant and then one time I actually was pregnant. Nobody believed me.

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  11. Oh wow. I feel for you. I once completed a 5k with my sister for her 50th birthday. We were jogging along so well until she farted. After that we walked fast and avoided eye contact. With everyone. I retired my running shoes after that. Now I slip them on to chase the chickens back to the coop. That's not really true, mostly I wave my arms around clucking at them until I have to give them treats to lure them back to the coop. Anyway, good luck Eli! You can do it!

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  12. What? Why? Why? Why do you hate yourself so much? They have doctors for that kind of thing and very good drugs.

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  13. A couple of my friends are training for an Ironman in St. George. I think it's in May. I'll make sure to send them all your posts about training. I'm sure they need people to commiserate with.

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  14. sheesh, I just jumped out of a plane for my 30th birthday. And totally inconsiderate to have your funeral ON my birthday.

    Holler if you want a spin bike gym buddy, that's where I'll be all winter long as well. :)

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  15. Who will you be doing the Iron Man with? And you do realize that you're probably going to have to cut down on the 9 gallons of ice cream you consume in a week?

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  16. Do you think I can do one while in my 40's? Without having a heart attack?

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  17. For a second, I thought you were going to announce that you were engaged to Jolyn.

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    1. Yes! Every morning I wake up wondering if this will be the day!

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  18. Dude. "Sometimes the best way to reach your goals is to change them constantly to match what is just happening in your life anyway." I do this with my bucket list. I have an official bucket list of stuff I want to do and places I want to visit, and sometimes I do something really cool that's unplanned that I end up adding to the list afterward.

    You want examples?
    *Sea kayaking at sunrise in Hawaii.
    *Seeing Neil Diamond in concert before he dies. (Don't even make fun of me; I grew up listening to Neil, and his concert in July of 2012 was pretty damn awesome, okay?)
    *Sky diving. (I never thought I'd actually do it, and now that I have, I feel like I cheated death and I don't want to tempt fate again.)

    Anyway, good luck on your Ironman! I'm kind of excited to read your complaints as you train. :)

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  19. I honestly thought you were 'coming out' after reading the post title. :-P a boy can dream...

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    1. That's why I'm still reading the blog...I'm waiting for the coming out announcement.

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  20. Hey I turn 30 in May, too! I'm all about pushing things back to when I'm 30, because I haven't accomplished much yet. And there's no chance of me doing an Ironman. Maybe I could do a 5k. Or win a competitive eating contest. That's really more my forte. I had better start training now with a bowl of ice cream!

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  21. http://distractify.com/fun/diy-fireplace-on-a-budget/

    In case you need a break from training...

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  22. I recommend you watch Iron Man and/or listen to Black Sabbath's Iron Man whenever you need a break from your masochistic tendencies--errr I mean training. Then you can pretend you're Tony Stark, and really, who doesn't want to pretend that every once in a while?

    I see one minor flaw in this plan though...you have to compete in Tahoe in September...just think of what happened to the Donner Party! Whatever you do, don't cannibalize anyone! Unless you have to, of course.

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  23. Oh my goodness! Are you swimming in Lake Tahoe?! That water is FREEZING. It's pretty fun if you can get past the numb feeling in your ENTIRE BODY. I do love Tahoe though! Good luck!

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    1. Yes, I'm very concerned about that. Fortunately I'll have Larry the Wet-suit to keep me warm-ish. Right Larry?

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  24. Good luck, Eli! You should totally do the Utah Half in August as part of your practice. Even though I almost died (multiple times), I felt accomplished. I may do a full Ironman someday. For now I just say "I did a 70.3 Ironman" and it makes me feel like I did the full one and people who don't know the difference think I'm even more awesome than I really am!

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  25. Eli! I work downtown SLC, not many blocks from your office (your pictures give it away) and have started going to the climbing gym near the 1300 S Walmart (you know, the creepy Walmart where you think you're going to get mugged in the bizarrely multi-level underground parking area). I half want you to challenge me to compete in the Ironman, too. I half don't want you too, as I don't even own a bicycle, so it'd be tricky to compete in a bike race. All of me also hates real exercise.

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    1. I hereby . . . . CHALLENGE YOU!

      Let me know if that worked.

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    2. Hmm... I'm surprised by how your public challenge produces far more desire to prove myself than anticipated... Considering I've never done anything like this ever... I will make it my goal to compete in a triathlon before I'm 40. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED :P

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  26. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this race actually organized by the Ironman organization? Or is it like the Ironman but organized by someone else? Because my husband ran in a half marathon at Tahoe during the marathon weekend up there in September 2012.....and it was TERRIBLE. The race was so poorly organized that half the runners got lost and ended up running and extra 3-5 miles just to find the finish line. Part of the race was on a road that was under construction and the runners had to literally run around caution cones and there were construction workers whistling at the female runners. To top it off, there was no traffic support, so at one point the runners had to cross a four lane highway WITHOUT a traffic light! So, if this is taking place over marathon weekend, make sure you read some reviews and verify that it's not a rip-off race.

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  27. Gearing up for some of this:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KTEgLKhjIw

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