Thursday, December 19, 2013

Still Here

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I want to share some thoughts with you. And forgive me that these thoughts are coming from the deepest part of my soul and might sound awkward and are sort of uncomfortable for me to share. But I feel like I need to. So I will.

The year is winding down and I guess I've been a little more reflective in the last few weeks than I have been all year. And I've been more reflective throughout 2013 than I have been in prior years.

I'm basically like a huge mirror now. Except one that drinks a whole carton of eggnog last night at 11:30, right before climbing into bed.

I was at church on Sunday morning. In Mormon churches we have what you might call "interactive sermons" for the majority of our Sunday worship. Church meetings proceed for three hours. Two of those hours are made up of classes that consist of group discussions where the class will entertain such topics as overcoming adversity and the benefits of meaningful service and developing oneself spiritually. And making doilies.


The more unique perspectives shared and higher level of class participation, the better.

These kinds of classes have been the source of a lot of strength for me over the years. And in fact sometimes they were the main thing that encouraged me to hold on in Palau when I didn't know if I had it in me to survive another day. There was something so encouraging about sitting among those beautiful Palauans and hearing them share their own experiences of working through hardship and learning something along the way.

Gosh I miss those people. I really miss those beautiful people.

This Sunday I sat in a class, the topic of choice for the day: why we have trials.

I was needing something extra on Sunday. And I knew it as I walked the two blocks to church on Sunday morning. Life has been a roller coaster this year. And the recent weeks have delivered unrelenting blow after unrelenting blow that seem hell-bent on making sure that I know that the struggle did not cease when I left Palau.

I've experienced heartache and anxiety and feelings of inadequacy and fear to a degree that I had never known before.

Last week was a hard week. A long and hard one. And when I got to Sunday morning I was feeling a little broken and alone.

The class started talking about why we have trials. And their comments hit home. They resonated with me in a way that was probably only possible because of the heartache and anxiety and feelings of inadequacy and fear that allowed me to digest them.

The teacher asked what it is that we gain from our trials.

Flashes from this year flew through my mind.

I saw myself crying in the shower in Palau.

I saw myself feeling the wind get knocked out of me when a friend delivered some of the worst news I've ever heard.

I saw myself crumble on the street when someone I loved deeply said the most hurtful things I've ever heard.

I saw myself ache over tragedy.

I saw myself shrink at the sight of more abandonment.

I saw myself  hurt because of crushed dreams.

And I watched these flashes run through my mind. All experiences from this year. All experiences that caused pain I had never really known before. And I felt tears well up in my eyes as I basked in this misery for a moment or two.

And then I felt myself sigh a sigh of relief. And I felt the words run across my mind: Eli, you're still here. And the pain has made you better.

You can cry with others because you understand their pain better now.

You can feel peace in the fact that you haven't let yourself fill up with hate.

You can be proud because you've made it to this spot. And this spot was not an easy place to get.

My life is not the hardest life that has ever lived. I know this. That's not lost on me. Many of you have had hardships so much greater than anything I'll ever know. But I've struggled. And my struggles have hurt. And as much as they have hurt, I know that I needed them. I haven't handled them all perfectly, but I know that I needed them.

Before I knew it, I felt myself blurting out an answer to the teacher's question about what we gain from our trials. It was an answer that I knew in the very core of my soul. The kind of answer you feel.

I said that hardship is our link to reality. It's the thing that can truly make us focus on what matters. It's the rain that either waters our crops or floods our houses. It's the thing that can best help us become something great on the inside. And the only thing that can callous us on the outside.

But no matter what the hardship is, it can never fully take away our decision about how it will affect us internally.

I said that it's our human nature to minimize struggle. Even though struggle is what allows us to become better. And those who understand that and appreciate it are the ones who do become better because of the struggle.

I have no idea why I've had to endure some of the things I have. I have no idea if and when a few of my own demons will go away. But I'm sure as hell not going to let the pain reign in vain, so to speak. I will find value in the struggle. This year will make me stronger. It will pave the way for true empathy in the future. It will serve to remind me that I can handle trial. And I am determined to be grateful for the heartache that taught me the lessons.

Because not being grateful isn't going to make the heartache go away. And you know what? I'm ok with that.

Because I'm still here. And the pain has made me better.

~It Just Gets Stranger

34 comments:

  1. Recently I shared the Stranger blog with my friends on Facebook. I said, "Super funny, and sometimes a little bit profound." I like it when you pull out the profound, Eli. Keep doing what you do.

    --s

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  2. I needed this today! :)

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  3. Thank you for sharing your heart. From one who has been on the journey a bit longer, I want to tell you that you are right and to encourage you to keep moving forward with that light and love in your heart!

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  4. The best drug counselors are drug addicts in recovery - if you've never been depressed, you have no idea what damage you can do trying to help people "get over it"... somewhere in Corinthians that speaks of comforting others as we have been comforted by God - I feel the greater the trials, the greater trust the Father puts in you to do unto others...

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    1. I was just going to mention that scripture, it's one of my favorites! 2 Corinthians 1:3-7. It's given me a lot of strength over the years, and it's been amazing to see how true this really is. The joy I've felt by helping others far outweighs any pain I've experienced in the past :)

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  5. Eli, thank you for sharing this. Sometimes we *I* forget that other people are struggling too. It's oddly comforting to know you're not alone. You know the saying, "God never gives us more than we can handle?" Well, someone once told me that was wrong. That God does give us more than we can handle, to remind us that we need Him to overcome. This past year has been rough, but I know that I will be better because of it.

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  6. I needed this too! Thank you!

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  7. "I saw myself crying in the shower in Palau.

    I saw myself feeling the wind get knocked out of me when a friend delivered some of the worst news I've ever heard.

    I saw myself crumble on the street when someone I loved deeply said the most hurtful things I've ever heard.

    I saw myself ache over tragedy.

    I saw myself shrink at the sight of more abandonment.

    I saw myself hurt because of crushed dreams."

    This is one of the most heartbreakingly beautiful things I have ever read. Even though all of our struggles are different this resonates true with everyone's pain.

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    1. I started sobbing when I read that part. Eli! You usually make me laugh, but today you made me cry! Thank you anyway. :)

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  8. I've been reading here since I stumbled on the snuggie texts, and I enjoy all your posts. This resonated with me, because I've had the same kind of year. A lot of us have, this year. I don't know why. This year alone our family has weathered everything from bankruptcies, foreclosures, and job losses; to the closing of blood-sweat-and-tears businesses and the death of dreams. We have watched our loved ones suffer painful medical diagnoses and dismembering accidents, marital problems, drug addictions, and infertility issues. We have lost close neighbors and family to deaths and suicides. We have experienced unrelenting blow after unrelenting blow weekly, if not daily, and they keep coming, right up to yesterday, when we heard that two of my beloved in-laws might have debilitating diseases, at ages 37 and 39. We find out more soon.

    I thought of writing a list of everything we've weathered this year, as a recap of what we've survived, but even mentally tallying the last 12 months up took me so long and was so depressing that I gave it up. I do have a blog, but I don't share any of this on it, because my kids' friends, their teachers, and many others read it, and I'm not ready to share most of it with them. I may not ever be.

    I have spent more time crying in the shower, at my desk, on the kitchen floor, in the car, and in bed, this year than any other year of my life. It's like a daily thing right now. I can only hope that 2014 brings something better, and I'm sure it will.

    On the PLUS side--we have our family and our health, and our home of 14 years (also 3 cats and 20 happy chickens, so that's something). We have two kids who are doing great and turning into beautiful adults. We have a happy marriage of rare and epic closeness, full of laughter and friendship and still-crazy attraction after 27 years, for which I am eternally grateful. We rely on each other and our faith to get us through what has been our hardest year ever.

    I don't know why we go through trials like these either, except to remind us from whence comes our strength, but--we're STILL HERE too, and we...will...get through all this.

    I think this year, that phrase about being kind to everyone you meet, because everyone is fighting their own private battle, is more true than ever, for everyone.

    Thanks for writing this. You are not alone.

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  9. All I can tell you is like everyone else, this has been a very hard year for me too, but knowing that we are all struggling together, just trying to keep on keepin' on, is profoundly consoling. One of the greatest things, and simultaneously one of the worst things about dealing with hardship and loss is the knowledge that the world still keeps on turning even when we are at a complete loss. Life goes on, as it must, because THIS is a part of life. As you know, I am not particularly religious, being a confused semi-lapsed Jew, but I have to say, reading your stuff this year, especially the introspective pieces, has truly been a blessing to me. I think there's a reason I found your blog, and maybe it might be, oh, I don't know, of a God-type reason. Shut up. Don't quote me. But MAYBE.

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  10. This and the Oh the Places You'll Go post from the other week are two of the best pieces of writing I've read in a long time. Thank you.

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    1. ^^ Absolutely! Never doubt that you're doing a great work Eli :)

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  11. Amen to you Eli and Amen to the comments!! :)

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  12. When I read the list of suffering you "saw yourself" go through, I was struck by how God must have watched over you as you suffered, perhaps even wept with you, and then, when you were ready, helped you pick yourself up and keep going. You are choice, Eli. You've touched a lot of hearts just through this blog, and most of us don't even know you personally! That's pretty awesome. It's been a rough year for many people. Thanks for helping us laugh and get to know ourselves better through your stories. :)

    Now let's get on with 2014 and better things!!

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  13. That is so profound, and so real and honest of you to open yourself up to complete strangers (pun intended). I've only been following Stranger since September, when I stumbled across the Snuggie texts and laughed myself silly. Now I check this blog every day, because you either give me food for thought or a humorous break from life. No experience, no matter how hard, is ever wasted as long as we learn from it. Keep on keepin' on! :) Thanks, Eli!!

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  14. This was the good kind of gut wrenching, Eli. The kind where you hear and feel someone's truthiest truths. Thanks for trusting us.

    It reminds me of the quote, "you must be the rock the river cannot wash away"

    This helped me feel a little more capable of being that rock.

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  15. All I can do is echo everyone else - Thank you for your transparency, this was so beautiful and so well written. I can relate to so many things in your last few posts.
    This has been the hardest most painful year I've ever had. From broken friendships, to health issues, to having to make decisions that hurt terribly, but are ultimately for the best.
    I used to joke around that I didn't have tear ducts because nothing really ever made me cry. Turns out I was wrong. I do have them, and they work very well.
    One thing has remained constant though: God is faithful. And His faithfulness isn't dependent upon my emotions or good intentions. I've grown so much in the last 12 months. More than I ever imagined I would (at least in such a short amount of time), and I'm so thankful for that.

    "Those Whom God will use mightily, He wounds deeply. But when He wounds, He wounds like a surgeon, not a criminal with a baseball bat"

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  16. In the words of Cathie, "It's ok, dear. You have done a really good job getting us to this spot. It's the wrong spot. But you did a good job getting us here." Sometimes you just have to keep your head down and keep on moving. This is the the wrong spot for you, but you've done a good job getting here.

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  17. I've learned over and over this year that "it's okay that it's not okay." Thanks for sharing, however cryptically or openly, your "not okay" moments. You write beautifully, Eli.

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  18. Though I am by no means as eloquent as you are, Mr. McCann, I tell my children something similar when we discuss why bad things happen. I tell them the point-blank truth about me. I was a bad person. Not a criminal or anything like that, but I truly behaved as if everything were all about me.

    I won't get into all the gory details, but I have come to see that what should have been the worst year of my life was actually the best year of my life. I tell them that God literally had to smack me in the forehead (I had a traumatic brain injury) to get my attention. And if He hadn't smacked me in the head, my life today would absolutely suck, and I'd be too caught up in myself to realize that it was my fault that it sucked.

    Sometimes, God gives us these years to get us into the mindset he needs us to be in for what He has planned next. My horrible year taught me that I needed to rely on Someone other than me, so that He could lead me. And for the first time in my life, I am happy. My kids (aged 7 and 9) absolutely don't get it, but I hope they do at some point. :)

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  19. Thank you for sharing! Clearly, from the comments above, we're all in this together. I tell myself that I have to experience the low moments so that I'll appreciate the highs, but when you're in one of those lows, it's hard to remember that there are highs to come. (Not drug highs, unless that's your thing, but I don't really think that's your thing.) Sometimes I give myself some time to wallow and feel sorry for myself, because yeah, that thing that happened really did suck, and no, I really didn't deserve it. But when my time is up (a couple hours, a weekend, however long I choose), I just have to move on, take whatever lesson I can out of the situation, and hope that a great high is just around the corner, waiting for me to get there.

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  20. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your heart with us. I can really identify. Trials have never been foreign to me. I had a childhood filled with abuse of every kind of you can possibly imagine. My mom also had a split personality which was scary at times. In my adult life, I have survived a very abusive relationship in which he almost killed me and health issues that have been perplexing at best but exhausting at worse. I had to re alter my life completely.

    There are times when I have cried out in the night and asked the Lord just to give me strength to just make it through one more hour. Prayers is powerful and I know our Father is always there for His children. I know our Savior knows our pain far beyond what we can comprehend.

    I have learned the power of grace in my life. Granting others grace and learning to forgive myself and grant myself grace. I have had to learn to be on the receiving side of service which has never been a strong point for me. I love to serve, just not be the one that is being served.

    I have no family and have often felt alone. I didn't plan on still being single. I didn't plan on this life. Now I have had to learn to fully trust in the Lord to supply all of my needs. I have learned that I am of worth simply because I am a daughter of God. That my worth doesn't lay in what I do but in who I really am.

    I always use the analogy of weight lifting. If someone was weight training and all they ever did was lift the bar, they wouldn't grow or progress much. CS Lewis once said something to the affect that pain is a megaphone that gets our hearts to pay attention. That it definitely does.

    No matter what we are going through when we remember who we are (children of God) and where we are going, it makes life easier.

    Even our Savior had the moment when He was suffering in Gethsamane where He asked the Lord to remove the bitter cup. Yet He asked the Lord's will to be done. What if He had turned back in His time of trial? What if it had been too much for Him? Where would we all be without the atonement? That would be truly a hopeless state.

    You are amazing Eli. You will get through this. Your track record is pretty good at getting through trials. You are still alive! Mortality is hard at times. So infinitely hard but those hard times excavate our souls and help us become who He wants us to be. Each day a little more chipping away to reveal what He has created in us.

    To all those going through trials right now, remember that you are a son or daughter of God and He loves you so very much. If you don't believe me, pray and ask Him yourself. He is always with us. He won't ever fail us. Humans fail all of the time. Those times suck and hurt. He loves us enough to let us go through those experiences so we can turn to Him. learn empathy and learn to love others a little bit more. Everyone is broken. This is a simple truth I have realized lately. It's what we do with this brokeness that matters. Do we turn to our Savior or fill it with addictions? (I am not judging, I have definitely done both) Do we let it soften our hearts or harden it? Do those times take away our ability to love? Do they make us bitter or better? Each day is a choice.

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    1. wow. you got a comment from The Weed.
      You two are the only blogs that I check on a semi regular basis.

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  22. This has been a year of pain for me, too. And I'm finally getting to the point where I almost feel grateful for it. Not because I'm glad the bad things happened, but because I'm glad to have learned from them and to have survived them.

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  23. Eli, thank you for sharing. While my experiences have been different from yours, this year has been a rough one. I finally got my dream job at a university in Utah, only to "discover" that it was time for me to move home to Vermont. While I feel that I made the right decision, it has also been the hardest decision. I have missed my best friend me than I imagined was possible. Moving back to Vermont has made me realize how hard it can be for me to let others in. On good days, I recognize it as an amazing opportunity for growth; on bad days I just feel lonely. Thank you for reminding me of the purpose of trials, and the joy and blessings we receive from attending church meetings.

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  24. Eli, I really appreciate your heartfelt words and that you are willing to share with me. I know you are sharing with many but I took personally. Thanks

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  25. Our struggles are what help make us the people we are today. Sure they may bring pain at times but without them we wouldn't know what we are capable of overcoming. Therefore, we should be grateful to some extent for the things we have faced because in one way or another they have helped us become the people we are. I know I am happy that I have come so far with things that have happened to me and those struggles have shown me that I can do anything.

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