Monday, March 31, 2014

House Rules

First, an announcement. After a three or four month hiatus in which we didn't know whether we would ever be welcome again due to an inexcusable amount of talking about poop, The Porch has invited us back. I'll be telling a story this Thursday evening at Muse Music in Provo. You can find the link for tickets and other details here. The theme this time will be "Encounters with Strangers." As always, we are thrilled to go back to The Porch and hope to see some of you there.

A significant change has just occurred in my life. I sort of got a new roommate. I mentioned recently that Kurt moved away. About ten seconds later my friend Rebecca, who was living in my building, told me that her lease was ending in her apartment and that she needed a place to stay for one month until she moves to Paris. Rebecca and I went to law school together and have become particularly close friends since I moved into her building six months ago. She asked me if she could "crash" at my place temporarily, since I have an extra bedroom and since I'm desperate for company and attention.

I sort of thought she was joking. So it was easy to say yes. Then on Friday I came home and found woman things all over my apartment.

Rebecca demanded that our living situation be kept a secret because, "I really care about what other people think!" She was referring, of course, to her Mormon-typical conservative views on cohabitation. I told her I was not going to help her deceive the world and that I would be publicly referring to her staying at my place as "living in sin" from here on. This has caused a severe strain on our new roommateship, as Rebecca strongly prefers the title "living is social impropriety" to "living in sin."

Ultimately she gave in and told me she doesn't have the energy to live a life of secrets and lies and so has decided that she doesn't mind our living situation being made public.

Unfortunately for Rebecca, the following house rules, which were texted to her one by one, were voted upon by all people living in the apartment and they passed with a 2/3 majority (I have two votes and Rebecca has only one):

1. No judging Eli for what he is wearing/not wearing.

2. What happens in our apartment STAYS in our apartment.

3. Rule number 2 is so important that you should read it again.

4. No judging Eli's underwear.

5. Rebecca shall spend 20 minutes a day complimenting Eli on his hair.

6. Our living situation shall henceforth be referred to as "living in sin."

7. No photographing any suspicious behavior unless requested by the acting party.

8. No complaining about the house rules. (This rule came about after a complaint about the house rules)

9. No casually observing the length of the house rules. (This rule came about after a comment from Rebecca that what I had previously identified as a complaint was actually just an "observation" about the length of the house rules)

10. No judging Eli for what time he comes home from work.

11. Rebecca shall bring a bag of Cheerios or other like treats every Sunday to church for when Eli becomes disruptive.

It's nice to have someone around here again who knows how to laundry. Even if I am living sin.

Bob and Cathie would be rolling in their graves if they were dead.

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. *Roomationship? Haha, get it? ;D

    BTW, were you in a L'oreal hair commercial recently? Because it's looking AMAZING!

  2. I think you need a codicil (or whatever the fancy schmancy lawyer term is... sheesh... lawyers... but I digress) to number 2: What happens in the apartment gets posted on Stranger.

    Just sayin'.

  3. Um. I want to be your roommate. And we wouldn't even have to live in sin.

    1. This is a good idea. We should all move in with Eli. ALL of us. We can take turns doing laundry.

    2. AMEN!!! it would be great to live with some one who has such nice hair... this would make it so much easier to compliment it too!

  4. I don't know, Eli. I mean, I understand that laundry duties should be implied, but if you don't put it in writing, how can you make sure Rebecca will do it for you?

  5. Tip of the day: don't borrow her clothing. It might not go well at the office.

  6. I think Eli is turning into Sheldon Cooper.

  7. We should all keep Rebecca in our thoughts for she knows not what she does.

  8. I almost peed my pants at the mention of "living in sin." You are awesome.

  9. I would like to know what kinds of outfits you're worried she is going to try judging.

  10. Well, this ought to make for some good stories!

    1. totally agree. we can all only hope for picture evidence!
      P.s. Eli, your amazing hair totally just brightened my day :)

  11. I'm totes jealous. I bet you're the best roommate ever. And I bet you have some nice underwear.

  12. I feel for you bro. I've been living in sin with my husband for like 11 years! He NEVER follows my rules and he only sometimes compliments my hair and it's usually for like 15 minutes only. Can Rebecca chop wood because that's my hubs best redeeming quality. That and he cleans the chicken coop and knows how to sail.