Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Results for the Ol' Ticker

So I went to the cardiologist this morning and they ran 100,000 more tests. Then the doctor came in and went over the results of my holter monitor that held me prisoner for 48 hours last week.

Doctor: Your test results look pretty good.

Eli: Well I studied VERY hard.

Doctor: Your sleeping heart rate is averaging around 35 beats per minute.

Eli: Laaaaaaazy.

Doctor: Your resting heart rate is averaging around 45 beats per minute.

Eli: Go on.

Doctor: Then there are some spikes here and there where your heart rate jumped to about 169 for a while.

Eli: Yes. That would be every time my office phone rang. Plus a few times a day I think I see Paul Simon but it usually just ends up being some man or woman or child or coat rack or something that isn't Paul Simon. Also that one spike at the beginning of the test on Wednesday morning was from when I found a really good cheesecake at the store.

Doctor: Now we asked you to push the button on your holter monitor whenever you felt symptoms. I see you pushed it . . . 295 times. Did you feel sick 295 times?

Eli: No.

Doctor: Ok. How many times did  you feel sick.

Eli: Zero.

Doctor: So why did you push the button 295 times.

Eli: Well I couldn't remember what the button was for and my friend said he thought it was like one of those life alert things where if you push it an ambulance comes. So we pushed it a bunch of times to see and then I thought that this was maybe like one of those things from when I was a kid and my friend Mandy Williams and I called 911 like 17 times in a row but just hung up every time until finally the police came and we got in SO much trouble. Then I forgot that I wasn't going to push the button anymore and I started clicking it because it made this really interesting popping sound and I wanted to know why--

Doctor: So none of the clicks were legitimate?

Eli: Well, define "legitimate."

Doctor: We also did an ultrasound, as you know.

Eli: BOY OR GIRL!? Wait! Don't tell me! Wait! DO tell me! No. Don't tell me. But cough once if it's a girl. And clear your throat if it's a boy.

Doctor: Um . . . this ultrasound was on your heart. We . . . didn't quite make it down to your uterus.

Eli: Seriously? What am I paying you people for?

Doctor: Anyway, your heart looks very healthy. I think you should feel confident going into next week's Ironman.

Eli: Yay! I'm PERFECT!

Doctor: Well, not exactly. You did faint a few times, after all.

Eli: Details . . .

Doctor: Based on everything I've looked at here and what we've talked about today, I feel pretty confident that you have been suffering from some very severe anxiety attacks.

Eli: Oh dear. Is there a cure for that?

Doctor: Yes. You need to calm down.


Doctor: It means that you probably need to not take on so much. You should consider cutting some things out of your life.

Eli: So you're saying I should probably take about month off of work?

Doctor: Um . . . no. I didn't say that at all.

Eli: MORE than a month?!

Doctor: No.

Eli: And what about ice cream?

Doctor: What about it?

Eli: Should I eat MORE ice cream?

Doctor: I don't understand why the conversation is going this way.

Eli: And there's this work thing that I accidentally committed to. Can you write me a note saying that I can't do it anymore? It's an all-day meeting in October.

Doctor: You aren't understanding me. I didn't say you need to stop working. I'm just telling you that you need to find ways to simplify a bit and relax.

Eli: You know what, sir--people wouldn't hate doctors so much if you guys would just tell us to stop working and start eating more ice cream like you're supposed to.

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. You are so right. Stupid doctors. Glad you're not dying, though!

  2. Eli, be safe. Eat more ice cream, and relax. You really do bring so much light into the world. But don't worry about us. Take care of yourself. I'll cover your all day meeting in October.

  3. You should relax! It's fer your health, ya dingus!

    -Dr. Steve Brule

    1. Maybe the Dingus ate your baby!

    2. Really hated Seinfeld (yeah, I know, I'm one of "those"), but Elaine wins the internets today!

    3. Steve Brule and Eli McCann on the same web page. My life is complete ;)

  4. Im glad your alright
    Where is Daniel

  5. HAHA.

    Seriously, that's what I was told. It's harder than they say.
    P.S. ice cream.

  6. When I broke my arm when I was a kid the doctor told me I couldn't do chores for a couple days and to eat lots of ice cream. Sorry I don't remember his name I would totally recommend him to you Eli. I'm glad it isn't your heart! As someone who suffers from high anxiety I can relate that relaxing is hard. I've found that for me I become the most stressed during the middle of the week, therefore on Wednesday night's, no matter what I do something just for me. Sometimes it's as simple as reading a good book for an hour or two, watching a movie, one time I took a 3 month pottery class that met every Wednesday night. Just designate some you time and block it off every week. It's glorious to have a couple hours that you know you can just shut your brain off. Good luck!

  7. By the shape of your hips, it's a girl.

  8. I'm glad you got the all-clear for the Ironman, but seriously that doctor should be ashamed. Not prescribing ice cream....Sheesh...

  9. What happened to the bedbugs?

    1. I think the bedbugs actually ended up being hives or a rash caused by stress. I'm not sure, but that's what I thought from a previous posting where his new regular doctor said it wasn't bedbugs. He never technically told us what it was instead of bedbugs, so I'm assuming it was a rash from anxiety. Hives are pretty awful.

  10. Your resting heart rate is insane. Please give yourself the compliment of being the most fit human being alive. You definitely deserve ice cream.

  11. Doctor: Anyway, your heart looks very healthy. I think you should feel confident going into next week's Ironman. week is Ironman?? And BTW, the heart thing is good news.

  12. Yeah I tried to get the doctor to write a note to change my work schedule. Nobody should have to work at six thirty a.m.

  13. Ugh... I dealt with some bad anxiety for a couple years when my two oldest were little kids. I blame my anxiety on my kids (love them and wouldn't change my kids for anything). I didn't have anxiety before them. I've learned to handle the anxiety that I am no longer on medication (it was really nice to have while figuring out how to handle it on my own). I mean really, if you are having anxiety and panic attacks it's hard to focus and figure out how to handle it. You're anxious! But really, good look with the anxiety. It sucks, but it can handled.

  14. Maybe your doc needs to be directed to the Stranger. Perhaps then he would understand why conversations "go this way".

  15. You are failing to answer the MOST IMPORTANT question:

    What diagnosis did the doctor give your hair ?!?! Is there a medical name for how amazing it looks all the time?!

  16. Wait... Are you, or aren't you going to have a sixth child? I sure hope so. The world needs more people with your fabulous hair gene.