Sunday, August 9, 2015


There was this big golf tournament with the firm and some clients last summer and I had experienced an excessive amount of anxiety over this because I, Eli Whittlebottom McCann, do not golf.

You guys. First of all. I think golf is the most insanely boring activity that has ever been imagined by the human brain. And this is coming from someone who spent his childhood wandering fabric stores with Cathie.

I do not understand it. I have tried. I really, truly, have tried. But I just do not understand how anyone can engage in this activity by choice and call it "fun."

Every time I express these feelings, Bob is somewhere off in the corner, holding a golf club, one tear silently rolls down his right cheek.

Look, Bob, I wish we could bond over this, too. But I just can't. You have golf and I have laying on the floor after work eating candy until it's time for bed. We don't have to have all of the same hobbies.

Fortunately for Bob, one of his daughters married Andy, an avid golfer, and since then I haven't felt any guilt or pressure to understand the activity.

But when the golf tournament with the firm arrived last year, I was beside myself with worry. I don't know how to golf. I don't know what you're supposed to wear. I don't know any of the rules. The only thing I knew I could successfully do on the golf course is have the best hair.

I had only gone golfing once before and that was with Andy when we were in law school together back in 2010 or so. After 20 minutes, I literally fainted on the golf course and we had to call it a day.


Rather than make a complete fool out of myself in front of a bunch of mostly old men who play golf 75 times a week and who already intimidate me in every other life context, I made up some excuse about being too busy to attend and I got out of the whole thing.

Many months later there was some other golf tournament. I didn't know about it. I showed up to work one day to a completely dead office. I didn't see another soul until 4:00 in the afternoon. It was very strange and I had no idea where everyone was. Then, someone appeared and explained that they had all been at some tournament and that nobody thought to tell me about it because I didn't go last time and they all figured that I must just hate golf and being with others.

I threw a fit in front of everyone, and indignantly explained that my prior "too busy" excuse had in fact been real and that I very much wanted to golf and shame on them for leaving me out.

It was kind of the perfect situation for me. I got to be the victim and scold people and make them think that I love the same thing they love AND I didn't have to golf.

Unfortunately, I didn't realize how short-sighted my hissy-fit was because they then signed me up for the August golf tournament and had it put on my calendar months in advance.

Well, now that golf tournament is tomorrow and someone is picking me up at my house at 6:45 in the morning WHEN IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL TO BE OUTSIDE so we can drive up the mountain to some golf course and play all day.

I've decided not to have anxiety over this because I don't know if you've heard but I'm an Ironman now and I think that means I'm officially good at everything so I'll probably be the best one there.

But I made the mistake of mentioning to Bob and Andy this morning that this would be happening.

Bob: Do you need to borrow my clubs?

Eli: Nah. I'll just figure it out when I get there.

Andy: You need to bring clubs. And balls.

Eli: I'll just use the ones on the course.

Bob & Andy: That's not a thing.

Eli: Well if they don't have stuff then I'll just ride around in the cart and not play.

Andy: No. You need to play or no one will think you're fun.

Eli: I think you underestimate how good my conversation and singing skills are.

Andy: I really don't think I'm underestimating you.

Bob: Do you want us to at least give you a few tips so you have some idea what's going on?

Eli: Maybe. Will you guys help me pick out my outfit?

Bob & Andy: No.

Eli: Ok. But if I show up dressed like a total slut and embarrass the family, you'll have only yourselves to blame.

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. HAHA. I HATE GOLF more than you. And shame on you for using the improper form of 'your.' Pff. Lawyer.

    1. :)

      Kara wins. I don't hate golf; I just don't love it as much as I even like any other thing. I grew up in a golf family and briefly dated a golf guy - didn't work out when he tried to help me be a better golfer. I don't suck at it - I don't need help to be a better golfer - I just don't WANT to ever go golfing! Let me drive the cart while the rest of you lug clubs around and beat up on poor defenseless balls!

      "Golf is a beautiful walk spoiled by a little white ball" - George Jetson

    2. You should start a GOLO team: Golf Polo. Where one person drives the cart and the other one hangs out the side and whacks the ball like polo.

    3. I love that quote, Emelle.

  2. I hope you're going to the Ace tournament at Jeremy Ranch because then I'll see you! But much much later in the day. I'm not going anywhere at 6:45am. No sir.

  3. This is the most tragic post ever. Because you have to golf.

  4. I actually happen to *gasp* like golf. I don't watch other people play, because I don't care who you claim to be, it's about as exciting as watch paint dry. I do enjoy getting whack the crudinski, technical term, out of the ball and watching the resulting flight towards the green. At least I hope I aimed correctly. That one over there, right? What do you mean I can't use my driver as a sand wedge?! It's my club, isn't it? Oh look at the cute little creature and nevermind me pushing the ball towards the hole with my toe. THERE'S A SPIDER ON MY BALL I'M NOT TOUCHING IT. No I can't just kill it, that's mean and it just wants a bug. Please let it just want a bug. That's his ball now.

    I'll be in the cart until you decide we can go hit a ball really, really hard again.

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  6. This is the perfect post to segway into a dream I recently had. My husband and I are avid fans of It Just Gets Stranger. So in my dream, we were best friends with Eli. My hubby and I were going on our date night and I couldn't find anything to wear. Naturally I went to Eli for help. I'm not entirely sure why we both thought it would be a great idea but we settled on one of his favorite blue dress shirts. As I was buttoning it up, I realized it was missing a button in a rather "awkward " spot. I chided Eli for not taking better care of his clothes. So my advice for Eli is: Just make sure you have all of your buttons. Side note, the Avengers were doing something important during this....does that mean Eli is an Avenger too? He is an Ironman after all.

  7. My husband loves golf. Every time he goes he asks if I want to go drive the cart. We live in Houston, in Texas, and it's a million degrees outside even when his tee time is 6 o'clock in the morning. I like spending time with him and all, but I have limits. No, just no to golf. And we watch it on the TV every Saturday, which is THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING EVER. It is so boring. The laying on the floor eating candy thing sounds much more my style.

  8. "And this is coming from someone who spent his childhood wandering fabric stores with Cathie."

    THIS. I'm so glad there's someone else in the world who understands my pain!!

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  10. Another stereotype confirmed. Supporting you, Eli! We love you for who you are!

  11. I always thought I hated golf. Then I played with someone who LOVES golf and I loved him and now I really enjoy it. I'm terrible at it, but he tells me that I'm "actually really good for a beginner and have great form" which means nothing coming from him cause he would tell me he thought I looked lovely even if I had a unibrow and several missing teeth. You can't play with someone that's all wound up and 'has to win' and throws clubs. Then it is just awful. You play for fun with fun people and it's great! Also, you can count it as a date and a workout if you don't bring a cart!

  12. Please tell me you chose to wear something slutty!

  13. My husband and some friends barely play golf but one decided he wanted to go golfing for his birthday. They ended up seeing who could play the best pranks on the others. Hubs got the exploding ball. One guy lost the head of a driver to the ravine. The B-day boy got his clubs unstrapped and lost them out the back of the cart on a tight turn. The wives lounged by the pool and drank mimosas (we got the better end of the deal). But I also like Suzz's idea for GOLO. I'd play that.

    also, CONGRATULATIONS on the Ironman. You rock. And your hair looks great today.

  14. Oddly enough I love watching golf, but hate playing it. I do whatever I need to do to get out of going to golf day with the company I work for. I'm with you on that one Eli.

  15. Why on earth do companies even have golf days?! Companies would be much better off sending their people to lunch instead. Or the amusement park. Or the moon for that matter. Golf? Nope. Sorry. I'm busy too!