Sunday, August 23, 2015

Kirtland

A friend had told me that Cleveland is apparently only like 20 minutes from a town called Kirtland and when I heard this I acted like I had won the lottery because I would be going to Cleveland in a few days and Kirtland is an old Mormon pioneer town so I immediately assumed that every day in Kirtland must be just a huge Pioneer Day and OH MY GOSH WHY DON'T WE ALL LIVE IN KIRTLAND!??!??!

I arrived in Cleveland bright and early on Thursday morning after spending the night on two red eye flights. I abruptly retrieved my rental car, located Kirtland on my phone, and ventured onward.

You guys. I was so excited to see this place that I drove to it before even checking into a hotel and after flying through the night.

I'm a history nerd. I was a history major in college. I have been known to venture far off the direct route on road trips just to visit places that once had a historically significant building near them. I'm one of those hippies that goes to a spot where an important thing happened and gets goosebumps because OH MY GOSH CAN YOU FEEL THE ENERGY!!!?

So, yeah. When I found out that I was going to be very close to this town that was set up by my ancestors nearly 200 years ago and which town I have heard about all my life and have seen pictures of and probably learned several inappropriate-for-public-school songs about, I just had to go drive through the place.

The most significant building in Kirtland is an old Mormon temple--actually, the first temple the Mormons ever built. The Mormons abandoned it in the 1830s when they were driven from town and it is now owned by a different church that has turned it into a museum.

I arrived at this place, which was very quiet and was without any other visitors. Because it was a weekday at like 9:00 AM.


Look. I did not intend on going on a tour. I rarely have the attention span for such things. I only wanted to stick my head in, take a look at the place, imagine myself wearing a pioneer bonnet, and then drive back to Cleveland and eat ice cream for the rest of the day BECAUSE IT'S A FREE COUNTRY AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.

But before I knew what was going on, I was attacked by a tour guide, Albus Dumbledore himself, who was so excited to have a captive audience that he essentially wrapped me up in his 12-foot white beard and dragged me into the temple.

I'm not kidding about this man. He was the oldest person who ever lived. And I think he may have truly been Dumbledore. I took this picture of him so you could see:


Dumbledore was an incredibly nice man. And he and I had one very important thing in common: we both love the pioneers. But my initial enthusiasm was perhaps an oversell because he then took me on a NINETY MINUTE tour of the temple wherein he told me every possible thing that could ever be said about anything ever.

I'm not kidding about this tour. And I couldn't just slip out because I was the only person there. And he was making very direct and very awkward eye contact with me the entire time. And I wasn't totally sure how to get out of the building anyway because there were sections blocked off and I already got yelled at once for using a railing on one of the staircase that I apparently wasn't supposed to touch.

Then, finally, after NINETY MINUTES, he took me down the main chapel of the temple and informed me that we were then going to sing together.

I thought he was joking when he first said it so I started laughing. But he just looked at me like I was being really disrespectful. So I over-corrected and told him that I was hoping we could sing and OH MY GOSH THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE and the next thing I knew, I was playing an old Mormon classic (The Spirit of God") on the piano while he BELTED it at the top of his lungs, one hand delicately resting on the piano, and foot-a-tapping, like he was a lounge singer in Vegas.

And it took all of the concentration I have ever developed in my entire life to not break down laughing. And the part of me that never wants to be disrespectful was mortified but the part of me that loves laughing at strange situations was boiling over with excitement.

You guys. How did I end up accompanying Albus Dumbledore in the Kirtland temple, all alone, on a Thursday morning, while he scream-sang truly the most triumphant Mormon hymn of all Mormon hymns?

While the tour was actually really interesting, albeit long, I escaped immediately thereafter and made my way down to Pioneer Village which is owned and run by the Mormons, and within a few minutes I found myself in the exact same position I had been in at the temple but this time with two very excited sister missionaries who looked surprised that they had a visitor at that time of day.


We made it to the saw mill thirty minutes later and I'm not proud, but when their backs were turned as they were leading me into a room to show me how the pioneers theoretically melted lava rock, I abruptly turned, and ran out of Pioneer Village.

One of the sister missionaries was mid-sentence when this happened.

I have been feeling guilt over this for three days now.

~It Just Gets Stranger

22 comments:

  1. It's a good thing Mormons don't believe in Hell because otherwise you would be headed straight there.

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  2. You could just have asked for a super quick tour. I’m sure they would have been happy to oblige. They simply could not have said no to someone with your hair.

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  3. You have done some very funny and awkward things, but I think this is my favorite. I can't stop laughing at you having a sing-along with Dumbledore.

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  4. I usually read on my phone so I don't comment but I am on my computer today so I can finally tell you: my husband brought home some chocolate from work the other day, that one of his students had brought in to share. I wanted to tell you what kind it was, so I saved the wrapper, but I don't know how to type up those characters on my keyboard, and I can't read it to translate into English, so... but it was delicious Ukrainian chocolate and of course, thought of you. ALSO, to have been a fly on the wall for the Dumbledore/Eli performance of that hymn.

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    1. Send me a picture of the wrapper! I want to know what you had!

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  5. The REAL reason the tour was so long, was because your hair is so perfect that they wanted to marvel at it for as long as literally possible. You should be honored. Also. Did you brush your hair the opposite way today? It looks different. A good different. Like when you are expecting vanilla icecream, but get chocolate, and chocolate is your absolute favorite!!! :D

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    1. Emilie teaches Stalking 101 at 5:00 and 7:00 on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays if anyone is interested in joining.

      ;)

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    2. And if you don't show up, she'll find you.

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  6. They totally saw you running away and didn't even call back for you. They're just as guilty.

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  7. Favorite post ever!!! I'm sitting at home with a migraine and can't stop laughing at the thought of your "temple" lounge act. Thank you.

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  8. Laughing so hard I'm crying!

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  9. I served my mission in Cleveland and at the historic sites... I promise the missionaries were okay with you bolting. Small tours are kind of awkward and you just want to move them along quickly. And most of them can give you a tour in 10 minutes or less if you tell them you are in a hurry.

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  10. Haha don't worry about the sisters... Now they have a great story to use in their homecoming talks.

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  11. I went on the Kirtland tour last year, as a non-Mormon. We did the hymn thing too, and as a non-Mormon, I had no idea what the words were. (I can sing you Come Come Ye Saints, and I'm a Child of God, but that's as far as I can go.) It was all profoundly awkward, especially as the tour group was largely made up out of Mormons trying to work through some resentment that "their" temple was now in the hands of the Community of Christ, and clearly expecting a more testimony-driven tour, and me, who loved all the historical facts and wanted more.

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    1. I'm Mormon, but i can tell you that I would prefer a more historically driven tour than a testimony one. I honestly don't care to hear other people say the same testimony I've heard 1000 times, so learning some actual information would be nice. Im glad it was good for you.

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  12. That just sounds like a good old time!

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  13. Why don't the Mormons own it anymore?

    Also, amazing story. One of my favorites.

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  14. Really though it sounds like you were just reenacting the time the Mormons fled Kirtland. So actually, it was the most pioneer-esche thing you could have done and they should give you a prize.

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  15. I wonder, do Mormons in Kirtland play lotteries. If not, they could be the pioneers here as well.

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