Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Very Mississippi

Matt is leaving this week for very Mississippi to spend a month in his hometown. You might think I made a mistake by including the word "very" in that sentence, but I assure you that I did not. If you ever heard any of his family members communicate using the English language, you would know what I'm talking about.

Matt is like most of my friends in that he apparently has the ability to leave his job for entire months at a time and work remotely. Rebecca used to do this before she got knocked up. (If she reads this, she will definitely call me and object to that characterization and demand that I change it to something like "experienced God's miracle" and we'll ultimately settle on "lost her innocence"). 

When Rebecca was living in sin with me in 2014, out of the blue one day she told me she was moving to Paris and I didn't see her again for four months during which time zero keys to my apartment were lost BECAUSE IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF KEYS REBECCA.

I have yelled, nay screamed, at Rebecca eleventy hundred times about losing my keys. Recently she was in Salt Lake City and told me she wanted to come hang out at my house during the day while I was at work for reasons that are still not clear to me. I hid a key for her and later found out that she lost that key literally within 30 minutes of retrieving it.

Rebecca thinks I don't know about this. Rather than call me and tell me that she lost yet another freaking key, she called Skylar, who suffers from the same disorder Rebecca has, and petitioned his assistance.

Skylar currently has approximately SIX drivers licenses because he "loses" them so frequently and has to get a new one and then he later finds the one that was lost. He has so many different IDs that if someone looked through his belongings they would think he was a spy. 

Which is ironic because SKYLAR LOSES AND FORGETS EVERYTHING. He would be the worst spy. The other day he told me that there was a "cross-stitching game" going on at the college behind my house. After some clarification questions I discovered that he meant "lacrosse." 

That last thing isn't really related to why Skylar would be a terrible spy but I just needed you to know it.

And so, understanding that Skylar would totally get her predicament, Rebecca called Skylar, knowing that he has one of the many spare keys to my house floating around out there.

She didn't call Matt, for she would have received the same judgment from him that she receives from me. Because Matt is a responsible human being.

She called Skylar. And the two had some conversation that probably defamed my good name and painted me out to be an unreasonable bigot who needs Jesus because I have no patience for people losing my damn keys.

The two went to Home Depot and likely wandered the place far longer than necessary before finding the key person and having the spare made. Then they engaged in some saliva-blood oath in the parking lot, swearing on Rebecca's baby who was hopefully being watched during all of this to never ever disclose to me that any of this had happened.

Three hours later Skylar threw Rebecca under the bus when I started interrogating him about why my oven was full of shattered glass (he tried to bake a Tupperware dish full of water--don't ask) and he needed a quick deflection. 

Where was I? 

Oh, yes. So people like Rebecca and Matt can apparently just choose to work remotely while gallivanting off in the great exotic unknown while I'm stuck in my office not losing keys to my house.

BACK IN MY DAY a man's time and presence belonged to his employer and he experienced no flexibility or happiness. 

Contrast the Matt and Rebecca lifestyle with how I still require Brianne to start and end each work day with a "firm business handshake," which she does reluctantly before making an inappropriate joke about how she hopes I don't "pass out today," in reference to this one time I fainted in a deposition full of 12 lawyers, a court reporter, and my client.


Brianne likes to do dramatic readings of that deposition transcript when she's mad at me.

The point is, Matt is going to very Mississippi for a month and he's taking Ollie Pants with him which is so unfair so I'm going to go visit them for my birthday. Because Ollie shouldn't be without me on my birthday.

I've never been to either Mississippi or very Mississippi and since Rebecca also happens to live there now too DON'T ASK we are going to see her lose keys in a whole new state.

We plan to drive from Jackson down to New Orleans and otherwise wander the two states without getting arrested. So if any of you are familiar with that area of the world I need you to tell me what we should do because every time I ask Matt what he has planned he just says something about how if we don't get murdered in Jackson Mississippi we'll be the first.

Road trip 2018 is gonna be lit. And I don't even say "lit."

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. Oh gosh. Cleaning up the glass in your oven could not have been fun.

    I have no advice for what to do in that part of the country, but I can’t WAIT to hear about it.

    One of the dogs in your pooch possé is bad at traveling in cars, right? Wasn’t there a vomit story? It wasn’t Duncan Doodle was it?

    I wish you a car-sick free road trip!

    This summer I’ll be driving to Ohio, Indiana, Michigan, Nebraska, South Carolina, and all the states in between. With four kids. And only sometimes with my husband. It’s gonna be . . . Not lit. Ha. But the destinations are worth it!

    1. That's Renley. He vomits the GDP of a small country every time he sees a car. Duncan loves car rides because he gets to sleep on my lap during them and at the end we might end up at Ollie's house. Ollie has no opinion of car rides.

  2. On the subject of keys - - I recently took a trip to San Diego and stayed at an Air BNB and the entire time I was petrified I would lose the key because there was no key chain. I checked for it every five minutes in the first five minutes of leaving the apartment every time I left.

    On the subject of New Orleans (because I know nothing about Mississippi) - get beignets at Cafe Du Monde and then outline is detail how gloriously wonderful they are so I can live vicariously through you. Also - the zoo is great - and there is a trolley that runs all over the place - don't get suckered into walking from the French Quarter to the the D-Day Museum when you can ride (speaking from experience).

  3. Thomas Jefferson's comin home, Lord he's been off in [Salt Lake] for so long...

  4. Finally! Something I have actual expertise in!

    So, while I agree that you have to have a serving of beignets from Cafe du Monde (hashtagtourist), I suggest taking the Carrollton streetcar to City Park. Wander around the lake, check out NOMA and the sculpture garden behind it, and then get beignets from Morning Call. Afterwards, you can even visit the Botanical Gardens which are beautiful.

    I highly recommend taking the St Charles streetcar so you can see all of the mansions on St Charles, as well. Audubon Park is lovely, and Maple and Oak Streets are wonderful little side streets with restaurants, shopping, and fun houses.

    If you want some high end food (YOU CANNOT TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF HERE), go to Commander's Palace. It was the only 5 star restaurant in the city for a long time. Their jazz brunch is delightful. Be warned that they do have a dress code, and shorts are not allowed (whether they are cutoffs or not).

    The Carousel Bar in the Montleone Hotel is a fun place to visit.

    Algiers Point is across the river, but wandering around the neighborhood is really neat, and they have some great little coffee shops and stuff.

    One of my favorite brunch places is the Lakefront Airport (not MSY). I once watched as a pair of pilots finished their brunch, paid their bill, and then strolled out to their plane and flew away. The food is tasty, the architecture and history is interesting, and they have some restored paintings in an upstairs gallery.

    I'm sure I have more, but I can't think of them right now....

    1. There are also a number of nature preserves out in LaFitte and Barataria that are super cool. You should definitely go on an airboat swamp tour and find a place where you can hold a baby alligator.

    2. I feel like all advice to Eli should come with a requisite disclaimer that clothes are required.

  5. I am so excited to be in the same state for a while! I am from North Louisiana, but I also second riding the trollies and stopping by Cafe duMonde. When is your birthday? Just remember, it is hot here. No, I'm not kidding ... it is hot! Often times, the temperature is above 90 and the best part is that the humidity is above 90% also. I guess that's what you get for living in a swamp. You will have so much fun. Mississippi and Louisiana are such pretty and historic places.

  6. My only suggestion is to watch the movie "Undercover Blues" with a young Dennis Quaid before the trip and keep an eye out for Morte's so we get more fabulous stories from you.

  7. Tupelo, MS - birthplace of Elvis!
    And Corinth, MS - the town of Walking Tall/Buford Pusser fame.

  8. I should have learned my lesson by now but I read this post during class and had to hold on laughter eleventy times.

  9. Obviously beignets at Cafe du Monde are a must. My other favorite place we ate was Katie's. I had the Cuban po boy with the cochon de lait (don't look up what it is, you'll be sad), and even though that trip was over a year ago, I still think about that sandwich sometimes. Mmmm!

    Check out Mardi Gras World. It's a huge warehouse where they make and store most of the parade floats. You also learn about the history of Mardi Gras and get some king cake, which is so yummy. They've got free shuttle pick ups all over the city, so it's easy to get there.

    One thing I wish we had done was a cemetary tour. There's so much history in New Orleans, and you learn a lot on those tours. We had our one-year-old with us and didn't know how he'd do, so we didn't go.

    We lived outside Memphis when we lived in Mississippi, so I don't know what there is to do farther south. But I'd feel much safer in Jackson than Memphis, so you'll probably be fine.

  10. "(he tried to bake a Tupperware dish full of water--don't ask)"
    Oh you better believe I'm asking, WHY? And did he call Meg first for advice on baking water?

    I love NOLA but I refuse to give too much travel advice because every time I do I send prudes to the places that make them uncomfortable, or I send partiers to places that bore them. If it's your first time there you should probably do the greatest hits...ghost/vampire tours, Lafayette #1 cemetery, the Lalaurie House, Bourbon Street, Cafe Du Monde, St Charles street car, Preservation Hall, etc.

    I like Cafe Du Monde but if you don't go early enough the wait can be ridiculously long, there are a couple other coffee/beignet places in town that are good, a good alternative is New Orleans Coffee & Beignet Company on St Charles.

    1. Oh I forgot something. If you like foodie destinations you should go to St Roch market. There is a seafood restaurant in the food stalls there that I love but I can't remember the name of it.

    2. Elysian Seafood is delightful! And St Roch is great! So many options. Sometimes too many options...

  11. Your road trip is going to take you right past our new house, so the real question is, do you and Matt want to drop by and help some Strangers move some furniture?? Haha!

    A word from the wise, bring some Benadryl to not only ward off the staggering array of allergens our proud state has to offer, but also to defend yourself from the fumes of overzealous essential oil distributors. No, you can't escape them. Not even in Very Mississippi.

  12. Rebecca and Skylar are in good shape, because I happen to know that the crew of the U.S.S. Midway can't keep track of their keys, either. I learned this last spring when my husband accidentally locked himself in the brig (that's a jail cell, landlubbers) while touring the ship. It took several hours, multiple sailors and officers coming to shake their heads at the lock, and who knows how many phone calls until they found a retired admiral who had a set of keys to the brig. And if the United States Navy can't keep track of their keys, WHO CAN?

  13. Go to Mothers in NOLA and get a poboy. There is nothing better on this earth.

  14. The Court of Two Sisters is my favorite.

    I second the suggestion to go to City Park.

    1. I ALMOST FORGOT Chef Ron's Gumbo Stop. It's a dive in Metarie but totally worth it! Get their Yumbo Mumbo Gumbo

  15. Since no one has any Mississippi recommendations, go see the historic military park in Vicksburg, MS. It’s actually super cool. While living in Jackson for 2 years (and we didn’t get shot) we took all our visitors there. Plus it’s practically on the way to New Orleans. My civil war knowledge increased exponentially by visiting. And the giant war boat they dredged up from the bottom of the Mississippi that you can walk on is super cool.