Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Awkward Recovery

How are you guys feeling?

I'm feeling much better. Thanks for asking. Unless you didn't ask. In which case RUDE. I always ask you how you're feeling.

What? I didn't today? Shoot. Well, I'll add that in at the very beginning of this post. And you'll read that first and won't ever know that I typed that part later just to prove a point.

Now, don't you feel bad for not asking me how I'm feeling?

It's always really awkward for a few days after you've been very sick. The awkwardness comes in two parts. The first part is a result of people knowing too much about what happened. Returning from an embarrassing sickness is the Mormon version of getting really drunk at a work party and having to show up at the office the next morning. Because when you're really sick you share a lot of information about your life and otherwise do things that you might not if you were in your right frame of mind. Like, throwing up on Daniel and texting people "w;alek'2w3;?"  I assure you, I would not have done those things on Saturday if my brain wasn't frying. Other things I would not have done in front of other people had I been thinking clearly?

1. Cry for 3 hours on the floor.

2. Go to the beach in my underwear.

3. Text 5 different people about the status of my bowel movements.

That third one is especially terrible. Because everybody knows you don't just talk to the people around you about the status of your youknowwhat when you're healthy. Well, unless you write for Stranger. But that's the ONLY exception.

Then, suddenly, once you're sick, everyone is asking you about how often you're pooping. "Oh I'm so sorry you're not feeling well! Have you had a lot of diarrhea?" And you answer. Unhesitatingly.

It's like there's a Diarrhea loophole in the social rules of correspondence.

Guys. Diarrhea. Think about what that is. It is the most vile thing the human body is capable of doing. It ruins lives. It should be the one taboo topic. People should have access to the witness protection program if they're caught doing it. And yet, we talk about it with anyone who will listen when we're sick.

Can you imagine asking a healthy person how their pooping has been going lately?

Unacceptable: Hey Tom! I saw that you painted your fence this weekend.  So have you pooped yet today?

Acceptable: Hi Tom. I hear you've been under the weather. Lots of diarrhea or just vomiting?

Why do we make an exception for sickness? Guys. WHY is that second thing acceptable?

But when you're feeling really sick, it always feels like your days are numbered. And when your days are numbered, you'll pretty much talk about your poop to anyone who will listen. Because maybe they have the secret cure to your problem that nobody else has been able to think of yet. Because when you're desperate, you don't really care about what you're saying anymore. Go to a mid-aged singles party and you'll see what I'm talking about.

Anyway, sorry for all the vomit and poop lately. I never thought I would reach a point in life where I have to apologize for vomit and poop to thousands of strangers. I mean, I hoped. But I never thought it would actually happen.

But now that I'm healthy again and no longer updating people on the status of my digestion, part two of awkward recovery period is in full-swing. Part two is where everyone around you is trying not to be rude but because you were so open with them about what happened while you were sick, they can't shake the feeling that you might still be contagious. So then you make a great effort to convince everyone around you how wonderful you feel and how you've felt that way for a day or two but just didn't come into work "to be on the safe side."

And hopefully in the process you don't blow your cover and start talking about how your poop has gone back to normal. Because that would be a sure-sign that you're actually still sick (see above).

~It Just Gets Stranger

28 comments:

  1. I don't actually have anything profound to say, I just really wanted to be the first commenter. This has never happened to me before. I guess I'll just say that I really love reading Stranger, like, a lot. I'm so glad that you exist. You're freakin hilarious. Thank you. (:

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  2. Have you seen the Demetri Martin 'are you ticklish' video? Random but diarrhea comes up in there to. Glad you're feeling better!

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  3. Asking about some one's poop is just odd! Just like those odd people that ask "is he good?" When you've just had a baby.....what are they expecting?
    "Well, since you asked, I'll tell you.. He's a right scallywag! He was up all night kicking the neighbours fence in, spraying graffiti on the pavements, robbing old ladies, and he ate our dog."

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  4. Hahahaha! Mid age singles party... :D

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    1. That reminds me of the unfortunate re-occuring dream I sometimes have in which I've graduated from BYU without having gotten married so I have to reapply.

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  5. I'm glad I'm the only one in my office right now, or else my boss would hear me laughing and know I'm not working.

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  6. If it makes you feel any better I could tell you about an awfully akward and embarrassing diarrhea story from when I did not know I was sick and should stay home near a toilet... but I don't know if you really want that story or not.

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  7. for 3 years I was an outdoor educator (it's like being a camp counselor but teaching kids science) anywho. I had to learn to be ok about talking to kids about their bowel movements. They wouldn't drink enough water and or just not want to go number 2 and would get all sick from being blocked up. So I came accustomed to asking kids when was the last time you went poop. or telling them when they come to make sure they try to poop once a day so they don't get sick. Weird huh? just thought I would share how I had to talk to kids about their poop weekly.

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  8. You know what else is awkward when your in recovery? It's that love/hate relationship you have with food for about a week after. You are soo hungry, but you are scared I eat due to your recent betrayal with food. Because food did ya dirty when you were sick, you would only nibble just to get something in your stomach and then food would be like "F this I'm gettin outta here!" Then of course there's those foods you have to part with, because you'll never be able to eat them again because you "got sick on them"

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  9. It is never okay to inquire after someone's bowels! I don't see why anybody would want to know about DIARRHEA, of all things! The only way I think it's okay to talk about poop is if it's my doctor asking the questions, thank you very much. Suffice it to say, I never ask about diarrhea, even when it's a very dear friend who's got a very nasty flu-bug.

    Yet...I still ANSWER people's questions about my bowels when I'm sick and people ask. But you better believe I give them the stink eye as soon as they ask.

    I'm glad you're on the mend, though!

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  10. I avoid any and all poop discussions. Why do people talk about it? WHY? I will never understand.

    Glad you're feeling better, though! :-)

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  11. Well, if it makes you feel any better, my great-grandparents had "poop calendars," where they kept a record of their bowel movements. I assume this was for posterity's sake. After they passed away, we found calendars in their room full of messages like, "Harold had two good poops today!"

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    Replies
    1. Wow. Your grandparents were awesome! Poop calendars for everyone!!

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    2. Poop calendars... That's so cool!

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  12. My 16-year old son has Crohn's Disease. We've had to have WAY too many uncomfortable bowel movement conversations. Luckily, he's doing very well (thanks for asking) so those conversations are few and far between now. Lately I just check in occasionally with "How are things... you know... in there" *head sweep toward the loo*. And he usually replies by averting his eyes and saying something akin to "Geez, Mom. Fine. I'm fine. Stop worrying." :)
    Glad you're feeling better, Eli.

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  13. Hi Eli. How are you feeling today?

    Just thought I'd ask. I'd hate to be rude.

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  14. It's also acceptable AND encouraged to talk about bowel movements when you go to hospital. The doctors and nurses almost applaud you if you fart.

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  15. Hi. How are you (but not your poop) today Eli? I only discuss my bowel movements with my dog. If I have to clean up hers, then I feel it is only fair that she have to listen to me talk about mine.

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    1. Bwahaha! Does your dog also own a poop-a-scoop too? You know, just in case you decide to get REALLY even!? :-P

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  16. I've been wanting to ask how yov've been doing for days, and didn't because I didn't want to come off as being to stalkerish<----- just made that word up.
    I see nothing wrong with the topic of poop, though it is more comfortable when it is around illness.
    I am a mom, so I actually consider myself a poop expert.
    Glad you're feeling better!

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    1. I prefer stalker-esque when I'm feeling creepy. It sounds so sophisticated...

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  17. Oh my! Not even your own mother wants to know all this. Xo

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  18. Hi, this is going to be awkward, so I'm just going to come right out with it. I was doing a totally normal search, on a totally normal topic on Wikipedia, when I found the link to this article, and I thought I just had to share it with you. I thought maybe if we spread the word to enough people, we could just begin communicating about our illnesses like this: "Man, I had a type 7 today, I'm not doing too well." "Ooh, that is bad. Well, I'm back up to a Type 3, so I guess I'm getting better." Wouldn't that be lovely? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale
    So, spread the word, if you want.

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  19. That's funny! Wait until you start having the conversation with people of why you've been married for 5 years but don't have kids yet?!? That one is more embarrassing than poop!

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  20. Since we're on the subject anyway, this is where I am right now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hcA8wFKhYY

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  21. Demetri Martin taught me that if someone asks me if I am ticklish, the best response is "I have diarrhea."

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  22. Having read this a while back (like January), I came back to tell you I worked with a part-timer guy this week who spent our 5 hours together talking about his HEMROIDS (and hemroids in general), CYSTS (including puss quantities and smells), endoscopy, and (in great detail) colonoscopy.

    Oh. My. Gosh.

    It was terrible. There is no training which prepares you for this. And then he starts asking me about how REGULAR I am and whether I PUSH!

    Not OK, guys. Not OK.

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