Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Dear Salt Lake Crowd, please don't forget to join us at The Porch on Saturday night at 9:00. The only thing better than Halloween is Halloween PLUS The Porch. Oh, and also Paul Simon, cheesecake, when you realize there is another pack of string cheese in the fridge that you forgot about--ok, so there are a lot of things that are better than Halloween. BUT COME ANYWAY. (FB link).

Happy Halloweeeeeeeen. I don't know why I said it like that. I think I was hoping that it would help you read that word in a creepy voice. But I guess putting all of those extra letters wouldn't necessarily have that effect. Maybe you just read it like how people say "cheese" for pictures. Which isn't spooky at all. But it does make you smile.

So YOU'RE WELCOME FOR EITHER MAKING YOU SAY "HALLOWEEN" IN A CREEPY VOICE OR GETTING YOU TO SMILE.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions. (Please feel free to follow me on what the kids are calling the Instagrams.)

With my favorite Australian at the Women's conference.

Dentist Appointment

Announcement: I'll be telling a story on The Porch at 9:00 on Saturday night in Salt Lake City. It's the best story from my life--one some of you have heard, but with some new details and updates that nobody has heard yet. So please come join us if you can and be sure to say hi after. I've already promised to dress super slutty for it. FB event link is here or go to The Porch's site for info here.

Conversation at my Dentist Appointment Today Which I Wish was as Exaggerated as it Seems

Dentist: Welcome back. How have things been?

Eli: Well I tried to do an Ironman but it got cancelled BUT IT'S OK BECAUSE THEY CAN'T CANCEL YOUR DREAMS.

Dentist: Oh. Sorry to hear that. Any pain since your last visit?

Eli: Not really any pain. Well, besides when my toenail fell off after a marathon in July. I named it "Tami."

Giving Back

A quick announcement: I'll be telling a story on the Porch this Saturday evening at 9:00 in Salt Lake City (link to the FB event and link to The Porch's site). I would love to see you there. And I promise to wear something extra low cut and revealing to make it worth your while. (NOT THAT I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, CATHIE).

That time of year is approaching. Pumpkins are being carved. Turkeys are being slaughtered. Christmas lights and music have been ubiquitous for about three months already. And your schedules are about to be bombarded with holiday madness.

WELL LET ME ADD ANOTHER THING FOR YOU TO DO.

A family friend introduced a unique and simple way to "give back" last year when she told us about a little project called Pioneers of Peace. At the behest of Cathie, my family participated in a small challenge and had a good experience doing so. It's a particularly good way to get children involved in giving and feeling like they are playing a role in doing good for the world.

Eli and 1,000 Women

So I'm a lawyer and as a lawyer there are a bunch of requirements I have to meet every year in order to be able to keep practicing law. These include attending eleventy million legal training classes and submitting certificates of completion with the state bar.

As the year has been winding down and as I've realized that I have not been so diligent at finding opportunities to attend these classes, I started to frantically look for available classes about a month ago.

You guys. I was too busy earlier this year. Because TV. And laying on the floor eating candy.

I mentioned this to my friend Annie at work, who as usual was so on the ball that she basically had every single legal education opportunity memorized, categorized in her mind alphabetically, and was probably asked to speak at half of them. She told me that she was going to a great weekend conference in Park City in October and that I should "totally sign up and come too!!!"

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

By the good graces of God, Matt got very very sick this week. He asked me if I could come to his place and take Ollie for a day or two, since he didn't feel up to taking him outside every few hours. When I showed up 14 seconds later, Matt was sitting on the center of his bed, hunched over, and looking like the girl from The Exorcist.

And I was like, "poor Matt. You look awful and WHERE'S OLLIE!??!?" And then I gathered all of Ollie's things, took him home, changed my number, and Rebecca and I entered the Witness Protection Program for good measure.

Rebecca works from home and all throughout the next day I kept getting texts that would say, "Snuggling!" "Playing!" "Sleeping on my lap!" and then occasionally, "LICKING! WHY THE LICKING!?"

Unfortunately Matt found us after he got feeling better and came and took our happiness away.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions. (Please follow me on Istagram because PUPPY.)

This is the happiest you'll ever see me. I wish we could say the same for Ollie. ONE-SIDED. 

The Pomelo Project

I've alluded once or twice to my dear friend Rebecca's innate desire to save the world. While I wish she would devote the same amount of energy toward SHUTTING THE FREAKING KITCHEN CUPBOARDS, I have to admit it's pretty admirable.

Rebecca Lambson: Attorney, neuroscientist, saves the world, has a fake gluten allergy, ruins all of Eli's pans. 

Rebecca Rates Eli

Rebecca: And GUESS WHAT ELSE?!

Eli: No. I don't have time for this. We said we were going to be getting work done right now.

Rebecca: I know. But the pillow barrier fell over.

Eli: Huh?

Rebecca: I put up this large pillow to block my view from you. But then it fell over.

Eli: And?

Rebecca: Well it was working really well. I wasn't tempted to distract you by talking when I couldn't see you. Because I'm basically like a horse and if I can't see you sitting there, I think you're probably not there.

Eli: I am so concerned about you.

The Ollie Freeway Barf Massacre

You guys. You know how I don't love animals? I mean, it's not like I hate them. It's just that I don't understand them.

When I was a child, we had a number of animals at our house. For example, there was the Queen of Colors. But obviously that wasn't a positive pet experience.

Then I had a bird named Feathers who was mean as Hell and I think may have actually just been a reincarnation of the Queen of Colors. Feathers used to attack anything that was put in his cage. One day he accidentally got out and flew to my closed bedroom door, pacing back and forth in front of it for a good two hours while seven-year-old Eli sat at the far end of the bedroom crying and waiting for Bob and Cathie to come help.

DCFS should have a record of that unexplained two-hour wait.

Then we had an adorable dog named Winnie whom I loved with every fiber of my being and who hated me with every fiber of hers. That dog bit me every single day of her untrained spoiled existence.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

So the other day I wrote about how I decided to sign up for Ironman Boulder. And in that post I explained that trying to prepare for and get to Ironman Lake Tahoe was an exhausting experience, in part because I had to drive "halfway across the country." And you guys FREAKED THE HELL OUT in the comments and on Facebook and in emails to me. Because SLC to Tahoe is apparently NOT halfway across the country. And it is offensive to anyone who has ever driven halfway across the country that I made such a claim.

Which got me thinking: I exaggerate an exceptional amount on Stranger. I think somewhere around 10% of what I say is literally true. And for the most part, everyone just rolls with it. But I finally found your breaking point. And that breaking point is overstating how far I had to drive to get somewhere.

AND I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN. (I love you guys. I seriously wish you could have seen how giddy it made me that several of you called me out on this. You are wonderful.)

And now, your Pictures and Distractions. (Please feel free to stalk follow me on Instagram)

It is amazing the amount of crap Ms. Hannah Rose gets me to do.

Step One, Fail an Ironman. Step Two . . .

You may have heard because I think I mentioned it a little while ago but I tried to do an Ironman this year. You may have also heard that that Ironman did not go, let's see, how do we say this, super well.

As a matter of fact, the Ironman Lake Tahoe race was cancelled just a few minutes before it started because only YOU can prevent forest fires and, well, you failed. Because there was a forest fire. And they canceled the Ironman.

I didn't really care at all because it's not like I trained for it for a year or drove halfway across the country with everything I own in order to compete.

Oh wait. I'm thinking of a different thing. I actually DID train for an entire year for this one race and then drive halfway across the country to compete in it.

Who Will Die First

Eli: Who do you think will die first?

Nic: Rebecca.

Eli: Uh . . . what?

Nic: I think Rebecca will die first.

Eli: I meant between you and me.

Nic: Oh. I thought you were asking who would die first out of everyone in the world.

Eli: And you picked Rebecca? Out of everyone in the whole world?

Nic: Yeah. I mean, it's possible that other people will die before her. But I could see her going pretty quickly after that.

Neighborhood Watch

Remember a little while ago when I got trapped inside my elderly neighbor's apartment because I was incapable of just minding my own business? Well I'm currently attempting to develop a reputation in my building for being the guy that gets involved in anything that looks like a problem, only to ultimately make the problem worse or more dramatic.

So that's how Friday night happened.

My friend Burke and I were heading out the door to grab some food after our Friday afternoon workout. I live in an incredibly large building. It's like one of only four man-made things you can see from space. There must be somewhere around 200,000 people living in this building. The make-up looks like this:

Families with children: 20

Eli and Rebecca: 2

People over 95 years old: 199,978

Contraband cats: 30,000

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Eli: Are you guys watching Survivor?

Cathie: Is that the one where they are all naked?

Eli: Uh . . .

Cathie: Oh. I'm thinking of Naked and Afraid. Disgusting! But not as bad as Dating Naked. Now that one just grosses me OUT! Kayaking naked? WHY WOULD THEY BE KAYAKING NAKED?!?

Eli: Um . . . ok.

Cathie: Every single time I see it I just want to throw up!

Eli: Why do you keep watching it?

Cathie: NEVER YOU MIND!

(Note, Cathie then explained that she meant that she keeps accidentally coming across it and can't change the channel fast enough to get away from the nudity. NOT THAT WE KNOW WHAT THAT IS).

And now, your Pictures and Distractions. (Feel free to follow me on Instagram).

Ollie loves me so much. It's just that sometimes he doesn't know how to show it.

Survivor Party

I host a Survivor party every week where I invite some known Survivor fans over to my house to watch the most recent episode and then spend the next two hours gossiping about it like we personally know every single person in the show. Wednesday nights during Survivor season are easily my favorite.

They also put me on a schedule of weekly party-host anxiety spells. I have this issue that probably stems from some kind of insecurity that I don't have the time to see a therapist about right now because TV. The issue is that I feel a LOT of pressure to make my house the hippest place in town. When I invite people over, I do so under the cloud of overly-dramatic daydreams in which I imagine those people leaving my home DAYS LATER, with tears of joy in their eyes, saying things like "I never thought I would walk again." Or some other nonsensical but inspirational thing. Then they leave a super good review on Yelp and nominate my hair for employee of the month at Shakee's.

So every single week I try to win the hearts of the Survivor-Party attendees through the universal language: FOOD. And every single week, I fail. I don't know what my problem is. But I can't seem to put out treats that people will actually enjoy.

Scary Movies

This weekend I went to my friend Burke's house and we had nothing to do so obviously we turned to destructive behavior. Like DRUGS AND VANDALISM!

Not that I know what those are, Cathie.

Ok, so we didn't turn to drugs and vandalism. Partly because even if I wanted to turn to drugs, I would have absolutely no idea how to get any. Like, I think you just go the alley and say something like, "hey man. You got the hook ups tonight?" And then you have to do that sneaky handshake thing where you exchange money for a little baggie. But then I wouldn't really know how to do the drugs once I got them home.

I would probably just end up putting them in a blender and making a smoothie. But then I would get too scared to drink it because what if they were poison drugs?

Yahoo! Answers XI

It's been a long time. And I know you guys have been dying to know the answers to the below questions. So I went to Yahoo! Answers. YOU'RE WELCOME.


Question 1: Is it infidelity if I'm married but I kiss my cat a lot? If it makes a difference, the cat is married, too.

1. No, it's ok. Love is love, even if the rest of the world doesn't recognize it. ~JenWales

2. I think you might be a crazy person. ~HotPeppers

3. It depends. Is your husband giving you the attention you need? What about the cat's spouse? Are you in open relationships? Do you use tongue when you kiss? Are the feelings mutual? It's basically impossible to answer this question without a LOT of detail. ~Trailman

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Jolyn returned to the United States of God Bless America and a few days ago I FINALLY got to see her.

Jolyn: Eli Whittle McCann. WHY have you insisted on sharing pictures of Tami on Stranger?

Eli: Because she's pretty!

Jolyn: People should be able to sue you over this. I'm not kidding. SUE you.

Eli: Shhhhh! She can hear you!

Jolyn: And she always pops up when we least expect her. If you insist on showing Tami pictures, AT LEAST include a warning.

So . . . WARNING: This post contains Tami pictures.

And now, for the five of you who are still here, your Pictures and Distractions: (Please feel free to follow me on Instagram where I do NOT share very many pictures of Tami. Or join us on Facebook. Or just go back to your cats wearing clothes website you were looking at before this one.)

We're making progress. She was willing to BE in a picture with me. That's progress. Right?

The Dog Calendar

There's this calendar in the break room at my office that has truly given me a reason to live. It's a dog calendar created by some organization that places therapy animals with people who need them. Every month features a different picture of a dog.

But I don't love this calendar for the pictures. It's the ridiculous quotes printed on the calendar for each month that make my heart sing with joy.

Hashtag, for clarification, I'm not making fun of organizations that provide therapy animals. Hashtag, I'm just making fun of their calendar. Hashtag, please don't send me angry emails about this. Hashtag, but if you do, include pictures of therapy animals wearing clothes. Hashtag, I still don't understand hashtags. Hashtag, twice up the barrel, once down the side.

You guys. This organization apparently went out to the people who have therapy animals and asked them for quotes about how they feel about their therapy animal so they could include those quotes on this calendar. AND I FREAKING LOVE THESE QUOTES.