Sunday, February 7, 2016

Stealing

I don't know exactly where or when I picked up this habit but some time ago I started eating unpurchased food in grocery stores.

Look. It's not stealing. It's not like I eat it, hide the wrappers, and then leave. I intend on paying for it. But I like to have a little snack while I'm grocery shopping because grocery shopping is the world's worst thing. 

It's worse than war. It's worse than all war. I will not apologize for saying that because I absolutely mean it. War is the second worst thing in the world. Grocery shopping is the first worst. Glee in syndication is third. But occasionally I move it up the list depending on how much I love America that day.

So I need a snack in order to survive the task. And it isn't stealing. I mean, maybe it's kind of like stealing but then apologizing and offering to make up for it at the checkout line. And that's totally ok to do because I had to do that once with Bob and Cathie when I stole a jawbreaker from Reams Grocery Store when I was six and Cathie drove me all the way back and made me talk to the store manager about it.

Cathie had warned me on the drive that it was within the realm of possibility that the store manager might make me go to prison for the rest of my life and most certainly miss Gumby later that day, and every day, for the crime I had committed. She was at least a little deflated when the store manager seemed totally uninterested and told me I could keep the jawbreaker because they were giving them out for free that day at the checkout line so I in fact had not stolen, contrary to both mine and Cathie's previous understanding.

Undeterred, Cathie then drove us to the police department where she went inside "to see if maybe I can talk them out of arresting you if I tell them you'll promise never to break the law again." She went inside, presumably to stand alone in the breezeway between the doors, just out of my sight, only to return five minutes later with a look of amazed relief on her face since she was able to "make a deal with prison." 

Later that day Bob informed me that if I ever stole again, I was going to have to sleep out in the chicken coop, a very common and eternally effective threat at our home growing up.

Yes. This was because of the Queen of Colors.

Anyway, so when I eat food while shopping, it's sort of like the old jawbreaker situation, except I pay before I even walk out of the store. And actually, now that I think about it, it's really more like a restaurant. Because you don't pay until the end of the meal. So maybe the way I grocery shop is more like how we eat at restaurants. And maybe I should be tipping the register people?

The register people always seem a little judgy when I start sending empty wrappers and bottles through the conveyor belt but I typically find that they calm down if I just start apologizing profusely and making it sound like whatever I did was the result of a medical emergency.

But the good folks of the Sugarhouse Fresh Market are starting to catch on that medical emergencies seem to be a little too common with me. 

And they were not amused on Thursday when I finally crossed a boundary.

Y'all, I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking. I just wasn't. 

Open and drink the protein shake? Fine. Eat a box of crackers? Great. A bag of M&Ms? Certainly. A bag of assorted shredded cheeses? This is America, after all.

Those things are fine to eat while grocery shopping. And I ate all of them on Thursday. While grocery shopping.

What isn't fine to eat while grocery shopping? I'll tell you. Bananas. Bananas are not fine to eat while grocery shopping. Because y'all. Bananas are priced by the weight. And you don't weigh them until the checkout line. And bananas weigh slightly less without the inside part. 

And somehow, none of this occurred to me until I place the TWO banana peels on the checkout conveyor belt. Right after the empty protein shake, the hollow box of crackers, the massacred bag of M&Ms, and the mostly empty bag of assorted cheeses.

Eli: Oh my gosh. I just realized I ate these bananas and now you won't know what to charge me for them.

Lady: Wow. This is a first for me.

Eli: Can we go get two different bananas and weigh those ones? Like, get the biggest bananas you can find so you know I'm not ripping you off?

There was a line. A line of people behind me looking over me to see what all of the commotion was. A line of people looking at the pile of empty wrappers, boxes, and now banana peels sitting at the register in front of a dumbfounded employee who was definitely not getting paid enough for this.

She sent someone away to retrieve bananas. We waited for an eternity, as I apologized profusely and dramatically to the people waiting in line. The checkout process proceeded swiftly, and I got the hell out of there.

Ten minutes later, in my kitchen, I unpacked the two bananas the employee had retrieved to weigh before mistakenly placing them in my bag.

Do you think Cathie could possibly make another deal with prison or was that a total fluke?

~It Just Gets Stranger

26 comments:

  1. *sight par. 6. Much love and your hair looks fantastic today

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    1. THANK YOU! I've done that twice this month. LIKE A POOR PERSON!

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  2. I have done the banana thing. Horrifying. Just add having children that you own to boot.

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  3. I have a friend who does the same thing. She'll open a bag of chips or Doritos and eat while she grocery shops. She thinks it's not a big deal, and would offer me some of her chips (which were as yet unpurchased), as we walked the aisles. I don't understand this behavior. I couldn't eat any of "her" chips. Oh, and I don't shop with her anymore...ever.

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  4. My grocery store is smart. They have a coffee shop with sandwiches, shakes, and cookies in addition to the coffee. It's right at the entrance of the store, so you pick up breakfast, pay right there and waltz merrily through the rest of the process, blood sugar intact!

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  5. Had a friend do that at a candy store once, with gummy worms.
    Cashier looked at her with a sour expression and said "You need to pay for those, miss."
    My friend replied "I will, of course."
    And then sticks her hand into the gummy worm bin to pull out a few more and puts them directly on the scale. "There, see, duh!"

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  6. So, little Eli faced with incarceration decided then and there to right the wrongs of an unjust society by becoming a defense attorney. No longer would grocery thieves fear the law. No longer would they face eternal damnation, and having to play patty-cake with inmates named "Butch" and "Killer". No sir, justice had come to Salty-town and his name was Eli McCann.

    And now, dear readers, that's the entire reason Eli became an attorney, summed up in a post that should have been titled "The Great Banana Caper" - and yes, Eli, if "Stealing" is the
    best you could come up with I will title your posts for you from now on...for a small fee.

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  7. We all have our moments Eli. I put my shirt on upside down this morning and it took me 20 minutes to figure it out.

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  8. I'd like to apologize ahead of time for being a downer on this amusing story, but as a retail worker I found it really hard to enjoy this post because, while it is very amusing, if I had to deal with that bullshit I would hate you for eternity. I get that your hungry, but scanning an empty wrapper is not just annoying, but mildly horrifying. You may be a cleanly person with good intentions, but your cashier does not know that (and has probably encountered their fair share of uncleanly people) and you just handed them your garbage...

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    1. I'm always horrified when I have to hand over an empty container because I had to feed my kid while shopping and I was a terrible parent who forgot to pack snacks in my purse for said kid. I can usually be seen wiping it off with a wet wipe in clear view of the cashier because I'm so mortified.

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  9. I can't believe I'm still reading this and I haven't even called the cops yet. Now I'm an accessory!! Gosh, how did my life go so wrong so quickly??

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  10. I'm sorry, but grocery shopping is NOT worse than folding laundry. Oh, but you never do that yourself so I guess you wouldn't know...

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    1. I used to say that those two things were tied but then I realized that having to do laundry is a myth that the laundry detergent companies made up so they could get rich off of us. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

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  11. Properly laughed out loud for this!!!!
    I must just add that I hope you exaggerated your list of consumed goods?? If not the amount of sugar you consume is shocking Eli???
    The banana was the best bit even though it was the illegal one.......

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  12. Smith's in Brigham City has a section of free fruit for kids to snack on during shopping excursions. Other Smith's might as well. They probably won't mind if the occasional adult grabs some too.

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    1. Gasp! Anon!! We are neighbors!!! I shop at Brigham's Smiths almost exclusively. :) And my kids totally dig the free cutie or banana. It makes shopping SO much easier.
      -Marilyn

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  13. Trader Joe's is the best grocery store EVER. They have no scales, so everything that's sold by weight has already been weighed and labeled accordingly. The fruit is all sold by the "each". They have a demo station where you can taste something new and delicious, and accompany that sample with a teeny cup of the cafe du jour. I never use a cart or basket if I'm shopping alone - I just hand over my full grocery tote bags. Eating while shopping at TJ's is a very common thing. And it's not frowned upon, unless the eater does NOT present the wrapper for scanning. I used to work at a TJ's, so I know. The. Best. Grocery. Store. Ever.

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    1. And if you don't know if you want to buy something they will open it and let you try it at the check out stand! And if you end up not liking it you don't have to buy it. Seriously, best grocery store ever.

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    2. I wish we had Trader Joe's in Canada. I love that store. When we go down to Minneapolis we usually go there and pick up some stuff. There and Whole Foods.

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    3. I love Trader Joes. It is my go to place when I am visiting the States

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    4. Actually, Hilary, they'll open stuff for you ANYWHERE in the store, not just at the checkout!

      So glad we're all in agreement. Eli needs to find a TJ's, STAT.

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  14. You're too pretty for prison, time to find another grocery store.

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  15. Theres a grocery store where I live called Lowes Foods & they have a service where you order online & then go pick up your groceries. A grocer (is that a word?) shops for you & then load up your car. You never have to leave your car. Its the most amazing thing (especially if you're lazy like me). You should demand this service be offered.

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  16. I have this conversation every shopping trip with my 2 1/2 year old daughter. She once ate almost half a bag of grapes before I realized it. Some of our grocery stores have a barrel of free bananas and apples for children to eat while shopping. I think because of your boyish good looks, they could classify you as such while shopping.

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