Sunday, March 2, 2014

I'm Going to Need to See Some I.D.

On Friday night I stopped by Jolyn's place because it's been too quiet recently and that always makes me nervous. When I got there she coughed at my face and told me she was dying. As you know, I can't stand it when people overreact or exaggerate, so it was difficult for me to be there.

I ventured off to the store to pick up some supplies, including, per her request, NyQuil.

I don't do NyQuil myself because I believe that the main ingredient to that stuff is POISON. I drank it once about five years ago and I still feel like my spirit hasn't quite returned to my body. I think they need to edit the bottle to say, "to help you fall into a half-sleep FOR TWO WEEKS."

But when Jolyn Metro wants something, I just make sure she gets it. Especially since Jolyn drops anything to help me any time I ask. That is, after hiding a severed head in my gym bag first.


I got to the store, located the NyQuil, and proceeded to the self checkout. I just realized right now how poetic this story actually is. I met Jolyn at the self checkout at this store almost two and a half years ago. I was foolishly attempting to purchase what looked like a year's supply of yogurt through the self checkout and I was dropping things all over the floor in the process. Jolyn was just behind me in line, waiting for me to finish. She began harassing me for thinking the self checkout was an appropriate way to go when purchasing that many items. We immediately became best friends and she hasn't stopped harassing me since.

Anyway, when I scanned the NyQuil on Friday night a message popped up on the screen, telling me to see a cashier.

The cashier approached. He looked to be about 20 years old and seemed to have had it with work that night.

Cashier: I'm going to need to see your driver's license.

Eli: Uh . . . why? Was I speeding?

Cashier: No. You're trying to purchase NyQuil so I need to see your i.d.

Eli: Does this have alcohol in it? Oh my gosh! AM I TRYING TO PURCHASE ALCOHOL AT 11:00 PM ON A FRIDAY?! Please don't tell Cathie!

Cashier: Do you have any I.D.?

Eli: Actually I do but it's in the car. Do I have to go out there and get it?

Cashier: I'm afraid so.

Eli: Do you have to record it or something? Can't you just take my word for it that I am who I say I am? It's just that it's raining and I'm already halfway through the self checkout process.

Cashier: I need to verify that you're at least 18.

Eli: SHUT. UP. Are you serious!??! You think I might not be 18!!!??

Cashier: No offense or anything--

Eli: ARE YOU KIDDING?! This is the best moment of my entire life!!! If you didn't seem so annoyed with me right now I would tackle you to the ground and lick your face!

Cashier: Uh . . .

Eli: Because I'm so flattered. Not for any other weird reason.

Cashier: Uh . . .

Eli: Actually, scratch that licking face part. My mouth filter malfunctioned.

Cashier: So you are older than 18?

Eli: Son. You were probably still breast-feeding when I turned 18. Well, actually, only if you come from one of those weird families where the kids still breast-feed until they're old enough to articulately ask for it. I'm guessing you're about 20 which means you were 6 or 7 when I turned 18. Please don't tell me you were still breast-feeding when you were 6 or 7. BUT IF YOU WERE THAT'S TOTALLY FINE.

He let me go after that, probably because he hated everything about my being there. And I believe there is probably a picture of me up somewhere at that grocery store now.

When I got back to Jolyn's place I told her what had happened, with a huge grin on my face the whole time like some scout had tried to recruit me to be a male model.

Jolyn: Eli, I think you don't really understand what happened. He wanted you to show your i.d. because he thought you might be 16 or 17 years old. That is absolutely not a compliment to you.

Eli: He thought that BECAUSE I LOOK SO YOUTHFUL!

Jolyn: Because you look like you might be going through puberty. When they think you're 21, that might be a compliment. But not when they think you're barely old enough to drive a car.

Eli: YOU MURDER DREAMS, JOLYN!

~It Just Gets Stranger

18 comments:

  1. My sister took cough medicine and got HIGH - off ONE DOSE. My mom took her to the instacare and they told her that it had a derivative of cocaine in it. They also explained that some people, like my sister, are extra sensitive to it, even though most normal people aren't.

    Just thought that might help explain your near- death experience.... ? :)

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    1. I'm one of those people like your sister. I get high on Dayquil, Dimetapp, cough syrup, you name it. The only thing that doesn't get me flying high is Claritin Ready Tabs. When my husband gets bored, he asks me to take a dose.

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  2. Hahaha the one and only time I ever got dunk before I turned 21 was when I was in high school and completely on accident due to NyQuil. I was in choir (NOT Glee) and had a concert that night but was trying to get over being sick so I could better perform and ended up downing an entire bottle of the stuff before lunch. Needless to say, I barely remember the rest of the week much less the concert (I dread to think how I did on my solo) and haven't touched the stuff once. I'm also convinced that Vicks actually has a wizard in their factory brewing the Draught of Living Death and bottling it as NyQuil and ZzQuil because that stuff HAS to be some sort of HarryPoytter-esque magic potion.

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  3. I am 26, almost 27, and I still get carded for things you have to be 18 to buy. Once, for TOILET BOWL CLEANER! Honestly, I didn't even want to clean my toilet with it, much less do anything else!

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  4. I've heard they are suppose to card you if you look any younger than 30...

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  5. They checked my ID once for buying SuperGlue, which was weird enough, but the thing they scanned immediately preceding that was a Valentine's card, and for a minute I thought maybe I needed to read that particular card more carefully or something...

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  6. I just want to know how this conversation went when you became friends with Jolyn. "You're witty and hilarious. Let's be friends! Here's my phone number." And neither of you thought this was creepy??

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    1. Did you miss the part where he told a random guy that he wanted to lick his face? Kind of makes making friends in the checkout line seem downright normal.

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  7. I got carded for trying to buy a video game a couple of years ago. I was 30 and you had to be at least 17 to buy the game. It made my YEAR.

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  8. At least you're on the right end of being carded. My sister (my OLDER,MUCH MUCH OLDER sister) called me to tell me how annoyed she was after going to the store. "I was carded!", she told me (in her annoyed voice). "Carded?" I exclaimed, "That's great, that means you look so young." "No",she said, "They thought I was old enough to get the SENIOR discount!!". My sister was 48.

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  9. The very best blog posts involve Jolyn. More, please!

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  10. I got flirted at by a high school-aged boy a couple of years ago when I went to pick up lunch sans makeup. I felt like a creep, Eli, and I wasn't returning the flirt.

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    Replies
    1. PS NyQuil is the best thing ever, unless you count ZzzQuil. Aw, heaven!

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  11. Over the holidays my husband and I hosted a Christmas party for his coworkers. One of them brought his 12 year old son. I was standing next to the son at the food table when he casually asked me what grade I was in. I am about to turn 30 and this kid thought I was another kid at the party! I tried to take it as a compliment but I kind of wanted to cry. Do my husband's coworkers think he is a pedophile?!?

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  12. When I was 25 I got carded at the airport in Memphis. The lady asked me if I was old enough to fly by myself. When I told her I was she said, "sweetheart I'm going to need to see some ID." When I showed her that I was indeed old enough to fly by myself she shouted to all her co workers, "OH MY STARS this GAL is 25 can you believe it?"

    I think you can fly on your own at 16.

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    Replies
    1. I was in college flying home for a break and in a little prop plane, sitting in the exit row. I got asked if I was old enough to sit there and operate the door--you have to be 15.

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  13. Yep. I only get carded when I run in to buy wine with a pony tail and no makeup WITHOUT MY WALLET, and they are like, "Are you old enough to buy this?" And I'm all, "Do I look 21 to you??? Can I adopt you?" And they're like, "No...we have to card anyone who looks under 40."

    *sound of balloon deflating*

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  14. Aw, I hate to burst anyone's bubble. But speaking as a pharmacy technician, we can't ring up products with sudafed or dextromethorphan (which is what was in the Nyquil) in it without scanning your ID into the register. You could be obviously 80 years old and we would still have to ask for it. That's how it is in Oklahoma anyway. I'm sure in Utah they just think you look very youthful.

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