Tuesday, September 9, 2014

How to Survive 48 Hours Camping in Civilization

Last week I went to the hospital for one of my heart tests. I wanted the ambulance to come pick me up and take me there because, I'm sorry, but I thought that was their job. But apparently it was "too expensive" and "unnecessary" and "Eli, please stop calling this number. It's only for emergencies." So I just had to drive myself.

Which brings me to my next point: if they aren't using ambulances to take people with enlarged hearts to the hospital, WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY EVEN FOR.

Not to be dramatic, but can you say guv'ment conspiracy?!

I showed up bright and early to get something called a "holter monitor" strapped to my body. Homegirl be all like "go ahead and take your shirt off" and I was like "HOW DARE YOU!?" Because Cathie used to always say that if you just give it away without a little chase people stop wanting it. And I recognize that that might not apply in this situation but it's a universal rule I try to follow at all times just in case.


Because, you guys. I do NOT want people to stop wanting it. Whatever "it" is.

But then I took my shirt off and tried to sit up straight and flex as much as possible while she used what I now think was cement created by NASA to infuse these wires into all of the inner and outer layers of my skin. The wires were all different colors and they covered my torso.

I looked like a suicide bomber.


Wait. Can you say "bomb" on a blog? Is NSA going to come after me now? Is Stranger going to get shut down? Am I going to prison? WILL I BE ON TV? HOW DOES MY HAIR LOOK?! OH MY GOSH WHATIFPAULSIMON!!!!!???

After hooking me up, and not in the good the way, the nurse gave me my instructions. The rules individually were not terrible. But taken together . . .

1. You must wear this without taking it off for 48 hours.

2. You must do all of your normal activities, such as biking and running, but no swimming.

3. You may not shower.

4. For the last time, please put your pants back on. I already told you that you don't need to be totally naked for this.

Look. I'm fine with the whole "no shower" thing. You guys. I spent an entire year in the tropics basically feeling like I never showered. But to be commanded to run and bike for several hours and then return to my professional office without showering seemed ludicrous.

In an attempt to neutralize the situation, I stopped by the grocery store on my way into the office to pick up an entire cheesecake, a fork, and a box of wet wipes.

Check Out Lady: Uh . . . interesting combination of items.

Eli: I'm having a hard day, ok?!

Truthfully the cheesecake and fork were never intended to address the no shower problem. But if a man can't buy a full cheesecake and fork on a weekday at 7:00 AM without being questioned THEN I GUESS THIS ISN'T EVEN AMERICA ANYMORE.

For 48 hours I did my bike rides. I went running. I got incredibly sweaty. And I returned to my office, stripped mostly naked, and gave myself eleventy wet wipe baths. And after a while I started to realize that the wet wipe baths were probably actually more efficient than my regular showers. Because I'm pretty super lazy when I shower. Mostly I just stand under the water and swivel for 15 minutes until I start feeling guilty about the drought.

I constantly have bike grease all over my legs. And when people point it out I tell them, "well it's just so hard to get it off." But truthfully, I don't know whether it's all that hard to get it off. I never really try. Because lazy.

When 48 hours concluded, much to the relief of my coworkers and lovers (NOT the same people, HR), I engaged in the human torture of pulling the wires off of my body. The glue that held them on, however, has NOT yet come off of my skin. Although, to be honest, I don't know if I can say that it's because it's hard to get the glue to come off. See above for why.

And after I jumped into the shower and felt the relief of the warm clean water running down my bod, I realized that I've had this sensation before. This is EXACTLY how I feel every time I get back from CAMPING. YOU GUYS. SOMEHOW I WENT CAMPING AGAIN LAST WEEK!!!

I'll return to the doctor, in my own car, tomorrow. We'll go over my test results and find out what's going on with the ol' ticker.

Crossed fingers and prayers, please.

~It Just Gets Stranger

38 comments:

  1. All the fingers are crossed and the prayers never stop. And your hair? Fabulous.

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  2. Ughh...I had to wear one of those halter monitors for a MONTH in the SUMMER in TEXAS, Eli..so kwitcherbitchin. Ahem, anyways..turns out I have PSVT which is easier to say than what it stands for, and it means my heart goes off on its own cardio exercise routine for no apparent reason, jumping to as high as 180 bpm in one test, and then returns me to my regularly scheduled sloth-y state. The side effects are...interesting. I get lightheaded, sweaty, and dizzy. So, it's like I just took a hot yoga/spinning class without all the actual, you know, exercising. The upside being I'm getting cardio without trying, the downside being that the PSVT can lead to fibrillation, heart attack, and dying in extreme cases.

    So, I take a little green pill every day and if I want to get my cardio now I have to actually do something.

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  3. Replies
    1. LOL....I didn't even notice until I saw your post. Leotrix, Tami, and the Queen of Colors all went to the doctors with Eli. How supportive.

      Tami actually looks like a muppet when shrunk.

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  4. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm...........................

    "When 48 hours concluded, much to the relief of my coworkers and lovers (NOT the same people, HR), I engaged in the human torture of pulling the wires off of my body."

    Lovers???????????

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    Replies
    1. I totally caught that too and was all, WHAT GIVES?!!!

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    2. You'd think that at least the lovers would get to join in on the fun of pulling the wires. Or maybe that's just me.

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    3. Yeah, I'm kinda on the whole "LOVER'S??!!!" Train, too! As in: He has ONE, let alone SEVERAL, after we read these heart rending posts about heart break and lonesomeness??? Also, does Cathie know about this??? Or Jolyn, or Rebecca, or Miss Hannah? Or is this who we are referring to? And, whatever happened to Disney Prince Hair Brandt?? Eli!!!!! CLIFFHANGER???!!!!!!!

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    4. You guys, he was clearly referring to us. He fantasizes about us just as much as we do about him.

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  5. I think we can all agree that if Stranger has taught us one thing, it is that Eli does not actually feel any cumpulsion against NOT being partially or totally naked in front of anyone. For better or worse. Usually worse.

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  6. I've had to wear one of those joys of the modern world TWICE! Mine went slightly different I assume bc there us NO WAY you would have left out this part had it happened to you... everywhere they put a lead... they used industrial strength SANDPAPER ON MY SKIN before the lead and NASA derived tape were applied... obviously that was a JOY and to top it off my recorder was put in a FANNY pack... 2 whole days in a fanny pack, without a shower, and I too exercise daily... I LOOKED HOMELESS.... on top of which a British co-worker informed me that over "there" fanny means vagina and we all had a good laugh at my expense for 2 days. TWICE.
    Good luck, Eli... and I pray things go smoothly for you!

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    1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is one of my favorite comments ever. And actually the sandpaper thing DID happen. I don't know why I forgot that part! I still have red marks on my skin where she rubbed me down. She even referred to it as "sandpaper." She said something like, "there's another name for this stuff. But I'm not here to fool anyone. It's just sandpaper." And then she attacked me with it for five minutes.

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    2. Hahaha!! At least she was honest with you! I'm convinced it's a form of torture and I'm pretty sure it would be against the law to practice this on POWs yet some how we have been convinced it's medically necessary and voluntarily allow our skin to be scrapped off... because HEALTH. Right. I'm not fooled. It's called nurses revenge. And I work for 911 and let me tell you that's a real thing.

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  7. HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH Mostly I just stand under the water and swivel for 15 minutes until I start feeling guilty about the drought." This is me EVERY morning!!!

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  8. My husband had to wear a holter monitor too because he was having heart palpitations. You would have thought he was in an iron lung, is all I am saying.

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  9. It took me a minute to notice Leotrix and Tammy... I said to my sister, wow... he has a picture of the Queen of Colors in his bathroom... she had to point out the other two to me. HAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm glad you have the support of all three!!

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  10. Is the Queen of Colors stalking you at the hospital??! Creepy.

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    Replies
    1. I thought ta m the same thing, but that's clearly back at his love shack.

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  11. 1. Your hair is amazing
    2. More shirtless pictures please!

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  12. Your hair is FABULOUS!!! My thoughts, prayers, warm wishes, awkward hugs via the Internet, are all yours. Take care. ♡

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  13. Gah. I accidentally clicked on your picture while scrolling down and now anyone who walked by my desk before my frantic clicking closed the screen probably will report me for viewing feminist Jihadist porn.

    The things we do for you.

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  14. No showering for 48 hours? It's a good thing your hair always looks fabulous no matter what.

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  15. Was that "OH MY GOSH WHATIFPAULSIMON!!!!!???" because if he got arrested, he might get to see Paul Simon there?

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  16. Wow and/or yummy! Eli McCann, international sex symbol!

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  17. You've been a little gratuitous lately with the shirtless selfies. In your defense, I know you have been working hard for that upcoming triathlon, and why shouldn't you be proud of the physical results. Hot bod, I won't lie. On the other hand, I don't think it's possible for any man to post a shirtless selfie that doesn't come across with at least a small dash of douche. Just know that I love you selfies and all, but i prefer you without selfies at all.

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    Replies
    1. Well you're REALLY going to hate the fully nude photos and duck face I'll be posting tomorrow.

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    2. IMHO, anyone who works hard enough to train for an Ironman gets to post as many shirtless selfies as he wants without judgment. I, for one, will not complain. POST AWAY, Eli.

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    3. In fact, if every post Eli made was accompanied by a shirtless photo I would start believing in God again.

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    4. Waits patiently (or not so much) for duck face nudie pictures...he said tomorrow...that was yesterday...it's been 24 hours...waiting, waiting, waiting...

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    5. Ohhh, Anonymous September 9, 2014 at 11:17 AM, jealous rears its ugly head :)

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  18. Dish soap = no more rookie bike chain grease marks

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  19. Ooh halter monitors are so much FUN. Not. It's not just you that has a hard time getting the glue off....
    I had to wear mine during high school, where I was currently involved in a musical production. Hours of singing and dancing. AND THEY DECIDED TO HARNESS MY MONITOR BETWEEN MY BOOBS. (The fact that I was seeing a pediatric cardiologist because I was under 18 probably explains why they decided it would be best to put it where Iron Man's glowy heart thingy is, because most of their patients do not have developed breasts and if you're a kid with heart problems there is more to worry about than walking around with a box protruding from your chest, but still.) I couldn't figure out how to wear a bra over it. And I was already getting creepy compliments from drama club guys ("we were all talking about your boobs the other day! All good things!!") so I was self conscious about shimmying without a proper bra. I wore a baggy sweatshirt all practice. Sweatiest day of my life. And I wasn't even smart enough to think of a wet wipe bath.

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  20. Your hair looks fabulous, Eli! Don't worry, everything will be fine.

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  21. Stop wanting it?! Don't worry. No one will EVER stop wanting it!
    ...especially if you keep things up with the eye-candy photos... Just sayin' :-P

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  22. If you are still having problems with the glue, try using alcohol swipes.

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  23. try hand sanitizer for the sticky crap that doesnt come off after the electrode things do!

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  24. I'm ready this so late. I know, I'm so ashamed of myself. But rubbing alcohol will take that NASA glue right off with no problem!

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