Sunday, March 1, 2020

Sugar Daddy

[You guys. Strangerville Live is this Friday, March 6, at 8:00 in Salt Lake City. Get tickets now or else I'll turn this internet around. You can find them HERE.]

Skylar likes to complain that he doesn't get hit on. It's a very strange thing to whine about to the person you have vowed to love and to serve and worship for all time in a ceremony before your friends and family and gay God.

I think that's what we promised. I'm not totally sure. It was hard to hear over the sounds of the panicked screaming in my head.

The point is, Skylar thinks I'm going to be a sympathetic ear when he tells me "no one ever even flirts with me or tries to get me to violate the bonds of our marriage."

"I mean, obviously I would turn them down," he promises, you know, like he did on September 28, 2019 at a very expensive party in the mountains where I was forced to wear a suit for 10 straight hours.

"It's just so unfair because you always get hit on," he tells me.

This is not true. But Skylar is convinced I spend my days batting away dozens of potential suitors. I honestly don't know where he came up with this idea. Whenever he's with me he thinks every person we encounter is trying to have an affair with me. The barista at the coffee shop. The flight attendant. Anderson Cooper, who Skylar is convinced can see me through the TV.

"Look at how he tells you the news. That's not how you tell someone the news when you aren't trying to flirt with them."

"Sky, no one has hit on me since at least 2015," I've repeatedly assured him. "No one wants either of us."

I felt pretty confident about that argument. Then last week he texted me a screenshot of a message he had just received on Instagram from a stranger.

"We have not discussed terms yet so I don't know whether this will cover tuition," he said.

I told Skylar to at least get a specific proposal so we could find out how much he's worth. "I'll probably just delete it," he responded, as though I was seriously suggesting he consider this. 

He's been walking around with more of a strut the last few days. Every step he takes seems to whisper, "yeah, I've still got it." He seems more confident. I can't tell, but I think he might even be looking down on me now.

It's amazing how much a vague bid from a interested sugar daddy over the internet can turn the tables.

Look out for this sugar baby!

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. Well, at least the rest of us have our loyal puppies. Not quite sugar daddy level, but loyal nonetheless.

  2. I don't understand wanting to pay a weekly allowance to a cute person and not expect or want anything sexual in return. I mean, I don't want that either, but if I was the kind of person who wanted to pay for someone's services just because they're cute, what would I be getting out of the arrangement if not intimacy. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I'm just confused. Not that we know what is intimacy is!

  3. My husband is genuinely surprised when I tell him a woman has been flirting with him. It may not happen as much as Sky says but if he’s noticing it, it’s likely happening some.

    I mean - that hair after all (amIright?)

  4. The only thing that stuck with me from this was seeing where your TV is located in your house via your Twitter feed and it's throwing of the feng shui (spelled as fung shway the first time. I think I like that better.)

    1. Yeah--Sky thinks so, too. But I can't figure out where else to put it and I'm obviously not getting rid of it because it's the most important thing in the world to me.

    2. TV > aesthetic appeal and warmth. The obvious answer is tear down the fireplace.

  5. When my husband and I were first married, he kept having girls asking him out. So we went and got him a wedding band. I on the other hand, I've lost two wedding rings (not expensive thank goodness), and have I ever been hit on in 20 years of marriage? Nope. I guess I just don't give off a vibe of being interested. And most people I hang around know I'm married anyway. But that's all good, cuz I wouldn't be interested anyway.

  6. How else would Anderson Cooper flirt with you?!

  7. I think you’re both very handsome! Which makes perfect sense because the best looking men are always gay (except my gorgeous husband of course. But I got very lucky you see)

  8. If I wasn't happily married I was shamelessly flirt with both of you. The two of your are adorable! Wait, what that flirting? Did I mention I loved my husband Kevin? Happily married. Together 17 years!