Wednesday, March 11, 2020

Twilight: A Comprehensive Review

A couple weeks ago I finally sat myself down and watched me a Twilight and friends, I am so confused.

I did it so we could record this episode of Hive Mind. I watch a lot of . . . unique programming because I'm commanded to do so by Mob Boss Meg.

Somehow I had gone eleventy years from the time the first book came out until a couple weeks ago with almost no exposure to the Twilight universe. Basically all I knew about it was there were some books about a vampire that were converted into a series of films where the muscles in Kristen Stewart's face were completely paralyzed.

That's honestly it.

And then I sat down and started this film. Matt came over and watched it with me. He was sort of tricked into it. I had texted him "come to my house! I'm ordering Chinese food and watching a classic movie!" The moment it started he began yelling at me in such a strong southern accent that it retroactively changed the outcome of the Civil War.

This is basically the plot of this movie:

Homegirl's mom is getting jiggy with a fourth-string outfielder or hockey player or Tim Riggins and she's decided to go on the road with him so he can do his sports games so now homegirl has to go live with her dad in mumble-mumble Washington.


She has to go to a new school now and the second she walks in the door everyone is like "YOU ARE SO CHARISMATIC AND PERFECT AND WE DECLARE YOU POPULAR" even though she has literally not said or done anything. There's even this part where what's-her-name is like "hi Bella" and Bella is like "hi" and what's-her-name is like "hahahahHAHAHAHhahahahHAhahAHAHa! You are SO funny! She is SO funny!"

THEN a bunch of hot people walk into the cafeteria and everyone is all like "those are the foster kids who all live together in a house run by someone who is their exact same age and they're all sleeping with each other." We notice the fosters are super mysterious AND THAT'S WHEN Bella makes eye contact with Edward.

As it turns out Bella and Edward are lab partners in science time later and they exchange upwards of 9 words with one other. Then later Edward stops a van with his hand before it can crash into Bella.

Bella knows something is different about Edward because HOW DID HE GET TO HER IN TIME TO SAVE HER FROM THE VAN HE WAS LIKE A MILE AWAY. But when she confronts Edward about this he's like "I'm a man and I'm full of adrenaline."

So they interact like 1 and a half more times and then Bella Asks Jeeves WTF and the internet is like "obviously he's a vampire" so then she goes to Edward and she's like "obviously you're a vampire."

Edward confirms and then he proves it by running up and down trees and flexing his sweet muscles for a full eternity of a scene. Then he tells Bella that even though he's not a regular vampire (he's a cool vampire), she needs to stay away from him because he has a desire to eat her. Bella is like "I DON'T CARE I LOVE YOU I WOULD DIE FOR YOU HERE'S ALL MY MONEY AND MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER."

So now I guess they're dating, but their dates mostly consist of Edward almost eating Bella and Bella acknowledging that it's not his fault because he can't control himself since he's a man vampire.

Oh and somewhere in here Bella rides on Edward's back like he's a centaur and he runs through the forest and his legs spin up in the air like the Roadrunner. 

Also Edward can't eat. And he tells her he was actually born like 100 years ago and he was bitten by a vampire for reasons I don't remember because lots of whiskey and he and all the other vampires have just been going to high school since World War I, which is a truly wild way to spend eternity.

Then there's a baseball game. The vampires can somehow hit the ball halfway across the state without breaking the bat. The baseball game is so long that this is technically a baseball movie rather than a vampire movie.

At the end of the game the mean vampires show up and they're like "can we play???" and the nice vampires are like "SURE!"


At some point the mean vampires decide to eat Bella so the nice vampires help her escape to Arizona because, sure.

Then there's a big vampire fight inside a church or warehouse or the Superdome. I don't know. One of the mean vampires gets killed because Dorothy accidentally hits a glass full of water with a baseball bat so homevampire melts. The other mean vampires are NOT happy about this but I guess they decide to take no further action at this time.

Then Bella and Edward go to prom and now they're EVEN MORE in love. But just when you think everything is safe and fine, one of the mean vampires suddenly shows up at prom, too!

I don't know the implications of this social decision, but it apparently means there have to be four more movies of this.

But at least now you don't have to see the first one!

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. I’d like to collaborate with you in a series where we explain bad movies that love to hate.

  2. nailed it. Congrats! Nicely done.

  3. So, when you tweeted this, I mentioned that I had just visited Forks, Washington. I feel like that merited explanation but there's no room on Twitter.

    I did not make a special trip to Forks. We were staying on the northeast side of the Olympic peninsula south of Seattle. Our actual destination was Hoh Rain Forest in Olympic National Park (which was AMAZING!), and you literally have to drive through Forks to get there.

    I was a fan of the books before they became a craze and that was embarrassing to admit, so I thought it'd be fun to see the sights. Forks is TINY and the movies weren't actually filmed there, so it took very little time. They have "unofficial" home for Bella and the Cullens. The hospital, school, and police station since they're mentioned in the books. The visitors center has Bella's trucks parked outside. There's a little gallery that has props and costumes from the movie. That's it.

    I stopped in a gift shop because we collect magnets everywhere we go on vacation. You aren't kidding about this being a baseball movie because one of the Twilight souvenirs they sold were Twilight baseball cards with the characters on them.

  4. Can you please review "The Pirate Movie" of 1982. PLEASE!

    1. Now that is a TRUE classic. It is so good/bad!

    2. Oh please! I would pay to watch it with you, just to hear your running commentary.

    3. That is my FAVORITE movie of all time. Frederick is only "5 and a quarter!"

  5. Pleasey please please make a billion more of these. Or let me. We need a place to direct our searing hatred!

  6. I can't stop laughing. I'm embarrassed at how much I loved the series. The books are better??

  7. I don’t remember because of whiskey...might be the best statement ever!
    The other vampires have been going to High School since World War I, which is truly a wild way to spend eternity. Hard pass! One time around more than enough. 🤬
    More reviews please 🤪

  8. You didn't include one of the few facts I do know about this movie/story/satire/thing-that-makes-me-sad-it-exists . . . . that the vampires are evidently the offspring of Dracula (or maybe Lestat?) and Tinkerbell because in sunlight they don't burn they TWINKLE!!!! VAMPIRES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO TWINKLE!!!!!!

    I hate this series so much that I hate-read everything about it. I once read and entire article about how Edward basically stalks Bella and other really creepy things about the series (don't even get me started on Jacob's relationship with her daughter!)

    1. SPARKLE - Vampires SPARKLE!!!!!

    2. I totally hate-read the whole series too. Along with plenty of in-depth analyses of the dysfunctional codependent relationship crap. When people were all “Team Edward/Team Jacob” I was like “I’M TEAM TYLER’S VAN!!!”

  9. But the real question ... are you team Jacob or team Edward?

  10. I love this so much. I watched the first movie with a college roommate once and we were dying laughing through the whole thing. A few months later we went to a special showing of the 2nd movie in the student center, and were making fun of it super loudly the whole time. We got a lot of unfriendly glares from the Real Fans around us and I think we left halfway through because it just wasn’t worth it anymore.

  11. My mom went with us to the theater when the second movie came out. She was so confused when it was over. Bella just walks around in a daze for most of the movie. If you think the first movie was bad, just wait!

  12. I read this between work meetings and now I’m sniffing snot from 😂 and can’t focus. More movie reviews, please please please!