When I was in the fourth grade I brought Power Ranger Valentines to school to give to everyone in my class. I don't know why I did this because for some reason I generally tried to hide my love of the Power Rangers. This was because even at age ten I knew that it was shameful that I got up at 6:00 in the morning to watch essentially the exact same story-line play out EVERY DAY.
Also, I still know the order of the dinosaurs when the Power Rangers would call out the mechanical beasts to finish the fight. LIKE THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST DONE AT THE BEGINNING WHEN THEY HAD TO FIGHT AN ENTIRE ARMY OF STORM-TROOPERS. Or whatever the Hell those things were called.
There was a treat inside each envelope, included with the Power Ranger cards. Cathie helped me prepare these the night before. Unfortunately something "happened" to ALL 30 treats on my two-block walk to school that morning.
What happened, you ask? Never you mind. It doesn't matter. IRRELEVANT.
[cue picture of chubby ten-year-old Eli with no self control]
I didn't actually eat all 30 treats that morning. I probably only ate like twelve of them. But I knew that I would want the rest later. And I knew that it would look suspicious if only some of the envelopes had candy when I passed them out. And I was just trying to be fair, you guys. I didn't want to play favorites and start a fourth grade civil war.
In the hours leading up to our Valentine's Day party, during which we would exchange the cards and candy, I started to grow jealous of the fact that the other kids would be giving out candy, and therefore would be receiving praise and attention that I VERY UNFAIRLY would not experience.
So I came up with a plan.
You see, during Christmas someone read that story to me about the Christmas oranges where the kids at the orphanage all get one orange for Christmas but one of the kids was naughty so he didn't get one so all of the other kids took a slice from their own oranges and made a new orange for him and blah blah blah. And I can see now, at the end of my third decade of life, that the point of that story was supposed to be about giving and giving together, etc. But in my ten-year-old mind on Valentine's Day that story was about taking and taking from groups.
And that's what I did. Thinking about the damn Christmas oranges the entire time.
During recess I broke into the classroom and ILLEGALLY STOLE one envelope from each child's box of Valentines that they had intended to pass out. I made sure not to take more than one Valentine addressed to a single person. So if I took Alice's Valentine from Darlene, I made sure not to take Alice's Valentine from anyone else. (Alice and Darlene? Did I go to elementary school in 1927?) Anyway, I figured nobody would notice if only ONE child in the whole class didn't give them something.
Note: I did not take any of the envelopes addressed to myself. I didn't want to sacrifice my own candy intake.
I emptied these envelopes of their treats, discarded the evidence, ate some of the candy if I'm being honest, and divvied the remainder of the candy among my thirty envelopes. And nobody ever found out.
And THAT, my dear Strangers, is why I am still alone on Valentine's Day.
~It Just Gets Stranger
Karma...
ReplyDeleteSounds like you did what you had to do.
ReplyDeleteEvil genius.
ReplyDeleteActually, it sounds like why you're a lawyer. I actually meant that as a compliment to your intelligence, but it also works as a jab, so ... win.
ReplyDeleteThis is my favorite comment EVER!
DeleteAlone on Valentines Day? With that kind of resourcefulness? Obviously you do not meet the right people, find someone who can appreciate your ingenious ways of solving (and creating) a problem.
ReplyDeleteoh my that is funny, and smart, and now you have confessed it maybe the bad karma will go away :)
ReplyDeleteterrible
ReplyDeleteAlice and Darlene... lovely names! My youngest kid's list has Alyssen, Alyshuh and three Kayden/Kaidyn/Caidin variations on it (it was fun to play "Guess whether they're a boy or a girl, mom!" with my son on the last 3).
ReplyDeleteMy eldest kid's teachers just had him sign the card and leave the envelope blank... just think of the evil potential there, Eli!
Best comment ever for the different spellings of the same name!!! Birthday's parties are just as difficult to learn who is who and who is a boy/girl... makes sleep overs very interesting.
DeleteThe social group thing at work is handing out valentines tomorrow therefore I am handing out valentines tomorrow... I feel like tomorrow morning just got a lot brighter and full of diabetes.
ReplyDeleteEating sugar does not cause diabetes. Having a pancreas that does not provide insulin for your body causes diabetes. Imagine a star shooting across the screen with the words The More You Know. :-)
DeleteHowever, eating too much sugar causes obesity, which causes insulin resistance, so even with a functioning pancreas your body responds less and less to its own insulin which means your overall blood glucose increases and you require an additional source of insulin to keep your blood glucose in check (hence insulin injections)
Deletelong story short
too much sugar=Type 2 diabetes
non-working pancreas= Type 1 diabetes
ps. I may or may not have typed this while eating a sugar cookie with pink frosting, and it was delicious :D
What I get from this is that I should go to the gym after I steal everyone's chocolate love. That way there will be no repercussions; I will have all the love chocolate and not develop type 2 diabetes. I knew I got a gym membership for something!
DeleteThanks new friends! Now if only I could have one of those delicious sounding cookies.
Yes, Anonymous, you are correct. :-)
DeleteLaureen, I love that idea! And I want some sugar cookies too!
Actually, you are probably alone on valentine's day because you don't like Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter.
ReplyDeleteYou shut that dirty mouth of yours! I love Harry Potter with every fiber of my being!
DeleteHmmm. . . maybe my reaction to your comment is telling about the original question.
Well, maybe you, Harry Potter, and Paul Simon should all get together for some "Bro-mance" this V-day. I'm sure they are equally alone, if for different reasons. Maybe a nice dinner somewhere, followed by hitting the karaoke bars. You know what they say, "If you can't beat 'em, twice up the barrel and once down the side 'em"
DeleteEli thank goodness you cleared up the facts on this. If you didn't like Harry Potter I would have to plan a trip to see you and smack you with the books. And considering the fact that they would be my sister's books and I'd have to have money and skip school to do this it wouldn't end well for either of us. Also, other anonymous, Harry Potter is married, are you suggesting he and Ginny are having marital problems? I mean it's possible, but rather upsetting. I know they're not real, but now that the series is over they're supposed to be having more or less happy fictional lives.
DeleteOther OTHER Anonymous: As you no doubt recall, Harry's parents were murdered in his presence by an evil snake-faced demon. He was raised for the next eleven years in a house where he was barely tolerated, and that was while he was essentially a slave and living in the storage closet under the stairs. Don't forget Dudley. The next seven years or so are spent trying to avoid being killed by the afore-mentioned snake-faced demon and his minions, some of whom are Harry's classmates and teachers. So yes, I suppose that Harry's resulting fear of betrayal and serious lack of role models (insert Sirius Black pun) for healthy family relationships has more than likely soured the marriage. And Harry doesn't seem like a "grab himself by the bootstraps" sort of a fella. I guess I just don't really see the whole "happy ending" given the disastrous beginning. This feel more like "Monday" comment...
DeleteTouche, it is completely possible that things don't work out, but the disastrous beginning is why I like to think there's a happy ending minus a few rough patches.
DeleteHa! Clever. And thus is the origination of Ponzi schemes ;)
ReplyDeleteI kind of feel like we, your devoted Strangers, deserve a look at a "chubby ten-year-old Eli with no self control." Picture, please? We won't tease you! Plus, have you looked at yourself today? Your hair looks FANTASTIC.
ReplyDeleteEli, I love you (and Harry Potter) with every fiber of my being. Not judging, just helping: http://grammarist.com/usage/cue-queue/. Also, I love that shirt. Did you lose some weight? NOT THAT YOU NEEDED TO!
ReplyDeleteA+ for Julie.
DeletePeaked/piqued(/peeked) is probably worth looking at, too. I can't remember where I saw that one, and it's oft-confused, but yeah.
DeleteI think we all need to be honest here. I know I'm not the only one that distributed candy into my valentines with the system of "two for the envelope, three for me" special focus on the white conversation hearts because they're minty, my fave. Thanks for the smile today, oh ten year old little boys, so ingeniously mischievous.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was little, the candy we all gave out was the nasty, chalky candy hearts which still haunt grocery stores. I never liked them. I also never liked the way they made it hard to seal those stupid little envelopes because of the bulge. It really irritated me, and I'm not even OCD. Go figure.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter opted to pass out suckers without the cards I bought this year. She's in 6th grade. I guess I can't get away with giving her last year's clearance Pooh Bear valentines anymore.
Putties. Not Storm Troopers. I mean... I never watched that show and I have no idea what you're talking about.
ReplyDeleteIt is wrong that I know this (Especially given that I don't remember this from originally watching the show (I wasn't allowed to) but because of research performed a few years ago when the Dino Thunder series was running and had one of the original actors (Tommy, the BEST ranger). ) but they were rules to their powers and they weren't allowed to just summon their Zords for any old fight.
ReplyDeleteAnd I have an aunt (the one who introduced me to this blog actually) who will be so ashamed that I know this much about Power Rangers.
you could have used a fake name.. just sayin' :/
DeleteI dont think she's super concerned if her aunt knows that Karina knows about power rangers..
DeleteI'm pretty sure she'd think it couldn't be anyone but me.
DeleteWithout a doubt, that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time.
ReplyDeleteEli do you not see what you've done?!?!? what if you took little Mary's valentine from Timmy who she was in love with, what if she thought Timmy didn't like her because everyone got a valentine from him even that weird girl no one talked to because she hissed at everyone. What if Timmy and Mary were suppose to get each others valentines that day because....wait for it....they were soul mates (Gasp) and you ruined happiness for them because you took her valentine and you're single now because you have to right that wrong and make sure they end up together...so what if Mary has like 4 kids and a mortgage and Timmy is a felon SOUL MATES!.
ReplyDeleteWhat love is... http://player.vimeo.com/video/12562270
ReplyDeleteHappy Valentines Day, Eli
Sorry for changing the subject here, but I had no place else to post this. THIS is what I woke up with in my head this morning:
ReplyDeleteKodachro-oh-ome! Ya give us the niiiice bright colors, ya give us the greeeeeens of summers. Makes ya think alllll the world's a sunny Day. Oh. Yeah.
I got a Niiiiiiiiikon cam'ra; I love to take a pho-oh-otograph, so Momma, don't taaaaaake my Kodachrome away!
HAPPY V-D WEEKEND!
That is AWESOME.
ReplyDelete